The guilty conscience
Behind your shadow, I stood and fall.
It was and still a tough battle, in which I feel so small.
My feelings toward you, you might think are dumb, sad, upset, confused, angry , hurt and numb.
When I needed a comforter, when I was slipping towards unknown destinations with no hope left.
I cried and wept but you were not there, as I have been for you, to talk about my pains and my plights, you did not even care.
every now and then while I dreamed of a peaceful life, but an ocean of tears, hide behind this smile.
Tormented, trapped and torn, my heart says I feel, seven years after I was born.
My heart won’t start to heal until I be with my boy again, only one that hold best part of me.
When I see other children laugh with their dads, I go dizzy with swirls, and crash like a bomb.
The pain is like broken piece of glass, though you have swept me inside this pains.
The anger and frustrations in me, rages in fright, always staying angry and awake.
I just think I might be as well heading to my grave, to lay a curse to the heart of evil terror.
They say time heals everything, but I don’t think that’s true, I know something, time did not do.
Time has been flying, for a long while now but my soul is injured, my spirit is crushed and cast down and my spirit is crushed and dented with grief.
I’ have always been trying, to show a real smile.
One thing that hurts and I don’t know why or what, my son is taken from me.
But till I die my love for my son will always lives on.
The betrayal that has taken so much from me and my beloved son and it makes me cry now and then.
When I think about this, to myself I lie, I have gotten over the past that I would not try to go back to my old path.
You are a mother, a mother of one, my son, I hardly know you, even though 9 years went so quickly.
Every night I think, of how my life could have been for me without you at first place, tears run down my face, and my world starts to spin, crumble.
These past few years, have been really tough and hard for me and for the rest of my life but I must try to rise from my weakness.
I will be severely scarred for eternity for my blind mistake in 2003.
It took me so much time to realize, what you did to me in my back, tears in my eyes, and you are clueless it seems.
I try to be brave but it really hurts me so much that I can't remember last time I was really happy, and I could have gone earlier with my sanity, instead of making life worse for trusting a liar.
I want you to know this, it’s sad but it’s true, you hurt your little son too with your lies!
You ruined me and my son with your lies, deceit, manipulation, it was a tale of heartless soul.
You made me weep in the dark every day and night, you really hurt me and my soul, and to laugh I try.
There is a hole in my heart, the doctors don’t see.
I guess they don’t know what you did to me and my son.
When I screamed for you in my darkest time at the time I was falling like a dead star, did you hear a sound?
I guess you didn't, because you were never around.
I remeber how you use my son to blackmailed me on daily dases, but remember that truth will not be kept in the dark forerver.
I will tell you something, You hurt me and my som, you cannot forget, once you hurt your child, it will soon come to regret.
Basically, now it's comes to my understanding that I have been bitten by a soul-less zombie, that is why I found myself feeling the urge to become zombie-like yourself.
But I must resist.
I must stay strong and must keep my soul alive.
Betrayed heartlessly, guilty conscience is like an open wound which only the truth can heal.
The feeling of being deceived, completely betrayed by someone so close to your clueless heart can be shock of life time.
You tell them everything about your inner most, all the emotions and ideas in your heart, and well as your fears, they don’t tell you theirs.
You hardly know them or rely on them.
Now and then that leads to the big mistakes.
The big mistake I’m still regretting right now.
That is losing trust, and never gaining that trust back again because they carved big holes in your soft heart that will never heal.
When that person start to spits out every of your little secrets and weakness out to people with intended falsehood, and you sit there witnessing it happen, but not saying a word.
But thinking to yourself how good of a person you are to not playing that mindless and sick game with someone with such a heartless and untruthful heart.
But then they still taking back those guilty desires to ruin their lives back.
So no matter how much someone proclaimed they loves you, be careful they will eventually hurt and betrayed you and even though it will might be intentional, the pain will still take your breath away.
I can definitely tell anyone by my own very experience that when you have a good heart, you help too much, you trust too much, you give too much, you love too much.
Then it always seems you hurt yourself the most, but sometime I become numb about it then I say today, I say I'm done with these pains with you you inflictinted on me.
Letting you get the better of me, letting you control my feelings and letting you brake me down.
Betrayal is never easy to handle and there is no right way to accept it especially when you are already drown into it.
Betrayal is bitter than death, you see I can actually handle death but I can't stand or handle betrayal.