How do I do this? How can everyone think that this is easy when it isn't? What do I do? GOD Someone should tell me what to do, I can't do this alone, and I need someone. Can anyone hear me because I need to talk to someone? I hate living this life. I hate always wanting something but never being able to achieve it, or have it.
Why can't you just let me be the one to decide my own fate why can't you let me just live my life? There's a reason why I do everything I do. There is a reason why I am the way I am. I'm sorry if I am sad all the time, I am sorry if I'm a bitch and never think of you, but as you can see I'm a mess, and I need space sometimes, there's a reason why I don't like talking about how I feel there's a reason, why I ignore u nearly all the time and the when I want you I won't let you go, I'm sorry, I know there should be balance but I just can't do this…. I want us to be happy I want us to be loved together I want our families to love each other and let them see how happy we are together. But that isn't enough and I don't know what is anymore, I want to be happy, and I am happy with you, but I don't know how to do this anymore. It's funny you know the fact that when I told my parents I was bi ….. They were you know weird. Like they were ok with it but made sure that I don't do anything stupid like have sex with a girl… and I find it excruciating cause they reacted completely different if I was going out with a guy. I know at the time I didn't care I just wanted to be with you and that's all the mattered in my life... But now I have no idea what I want anymore…. I want you but I can't have you….
But u knows why I can't have..? And no it's not just dad oh that's a reason alright but it is not him... it's me…..
when we were kissing and all that and how I tried to get your shirt off but you wouldn't and even this wouldn't have cared cause I wanted you then, I wanted you soo badly… like badly but I rolled over thing oh god, I don't want to do this yet I soo badly wanted it…. I'm scared of getting close to you... like really close to you? /
And I hate that it's hurting you... it may sound and look like I'm a slut or a bitch or whatever you guys call it these days but I'm hiding my feelings I have been for a while now…. ….?/
I'm not good at showing or telling you how I am... I just go silent and think …. Think what would happen if things had all change …? If we didn't have to go through with this… if I didn't grow up the way I did …. I would have been able to at least get even closer to you... but I'm scared I'm scared... that its gunna hurt me…. that your gunna hurt me... I can't get hurt I don't want to get hurt but I have no idea how to show you or tell you my feelings…? /
I'm not social able, I like solitude... and I think about death everyday….. Sometimes I just wish that I had a normal life with a pair of normal friends…
I'm not normal I'm crazy, and insane, and I don't understand why you of all people would want to be with me….? I don't understand… it
I don't understand love, its twisted, and this is the way I feel... but I can't tell you, cause I have no words…..this is the way that I feel…now that you near me, that I start to remember that I want you..
But I try to act normal, like nothing is wrong, like I'm trying to move on, but I know you know better. I just have no idea what to do any more than what u know you… I'm happy that you care about me but I don't understand any of it ..:P I don't understand .. How you could love me……?