August 16, 2013
Hi! What's up? It's been a year since I last wrote to you. You see I've been busy these last few days. I don't have time to write. But now, I needed to before my last breath was taken away from me.
Thank God you're here. I can tell you everything. You will be the living memories of me.
I've been busy thinking those ominous thoughts kept flashing through my conscious mind. It makes me shudder and grow sick at heart.
I left our house a year ago because I can no longer carry the wrath I felt with my family. I really hate them because they made me feel unwanted as if I wasn't a member of the family. All those years, I felt like I was a stranger going in and out of our house. They always ignore me. They didn't even dare to ask how I am. They don't care on what I am up to. I blamed them for that. They pushed me to feel that way.
My big sister was the only one who is kind to me. She's always there for me. And I really appreciate her for doing so but since she's our parent's favorite I couldn't be close to her. I kept on distancing myself to her. I even made a wall between us. I only talked to her in some unavoidable situation. For our parents, she's kind, industrious, smart and sweet. She has everything that our parents wanted. I was the exact opposite of her, lazy-bone, hared-headed and coldhearted. In short, I was the black sheep of the family.
Yes, I must admit… I was a hard-headed child because I don't want to be manipulated by other people, not even my parents. I'm old enough to decide for myself. I must be free to do whatever I want. That's what I believed. All I know is that I never did something wrong. I don't even drink, smoke, take drugs or even engage myself into pre-marital sex to get even. I still love myself anyway.
I kept on thinking why my parents couldn't understand me. I'm trying to show them my real self but they just keep on ignoring me.
The thought of I would stay vile forever and I wouldn't change was marked on their closed mind so I said to myself, "Fine, if that's what they want, then, let it be!"
One night, my father and I had a big fight. I was shocked on what he revealed. It was like a bomb exploded inside my pea-sized brain. I found out that I was just their adopted daughter. Mother couldn't bear a child anymore because of her vaginal operation. As for my sister's request to have a sister and a playmate, they bought me to a very poor couple when I was still a newly-born baby. I couldn't move for a while after I heard the truth. I wanted to cry but my tears went dry. I felt my surrounding turned into dark. My thoughts were flying somewhere. When my mind comes back, I hurriedly ran to my room and locked the door. I threw myself on the corner and began to cry. I was trembling when I heard my sister knocking on the door. I clapped my hands to my ear and shout at her to go away and to leave me alone. Then, I heard her footsteps fading away. After an hour, I packed all my things and sneaked out. I kept on walking through the darkness until I saw a bus running towards me. I stopped it and rode on it. I don't know where it going but the hell I care. I wanted to get far away from them. Hatred conquered my whole being. I realized all the reasons why they treated me like that. They shouldn't adopt me if they're going to treat me like hell.
I decided to live my life alone. I focused myself on things that would make them realized that I'm worth of something, that I could be better, much better without them. I worked hard and I succeeded. After a year, I became the manager of a well-known company in town. I assured that they will hear it because I wanted them to feel guilty.
Everything was turned out according to my plan. They felt the guilt and they tried to make it up to me but I refused to give them a chance. The pain they gave still lingered in my heart. But when i heard that my sister was sick because of too much worrying for me, my disposition seems to vanish. I visited her every time our parents were away. I found out that she badly needed a heart transplant or else she will die. I don't know that she has heart illness. Maybe that's why our parents we're very careful when it comes to her emotional aspect.
I left the hospital and went to the church to pray. Something kicked inside of me. I realized that I loved my sister very much. I don't want her to die. The thought of losing her without telling that I was sorry made me weak. Panic crept all over me. I wanted to say I'm sorry but my pride was stopping me. Shit, this silly pride.
I kept on visiting her and she doesn't show any progress. Her condition is getting worst. I don't know what to do. I really don't want to lose her. My conscience was defeating me.
Just this morning, I finally have the guts to say sorry to her before it's too late. She smiled and hugged me so tight. She said that she love me and the best part happened to her life is that when she's with me. She added that she's proud of me and she wanted to be like me because I have the strong heart to do whatever I want. She envied me for it. I was touched. I said " Don't worry Ate Angel, soon you will have the heart that you ever wanted. I promised you that. Thank you for being so kind to me and sorry for the bad things that I've done to you. Say sorry to mom and dad for me and good luck to your operation. I must go..... I will pray for you wherever I am...." And I bade my farewell.
As I turned my head, tears dropped on my cheek. I started walking away and went home. I prepare myself for the operation and write this last journal of mine.
At 3 o'clock this afternoon, my sister will live her second life with my heart as what I promised to her. I'm giving her my heart so she can live her life according to what she want. My life is not important anyway. She deserves to live longer than I am. This will be my way to ease the guilt i felt. I would made the greatest decision of my life. At last, our parents would be very proud of me. This will be my last resort for them to forgive me. I really hope.....