We had just gone through one of the biggest emotional conversations I can actually remember to date. It's honestly crazy! Less than 2 months ago, we were living life under the sun at the Summercamp of our lives. We were dreaming about how we would change our schools and how our lives will not go back to the way they once were. But so soon did reality kick in that it's almost overwhelmed us to our necks. We're practically sinking in our own dramas and emotions that we're having trouble reaching the surface.
These few weeks, you have opened up to me so much. And God has worked miracles in you. It wasn't until today that it made me realise how much I know about you; and how little you know of me.
When I was but a child, probably about 1st or 2nd Grade, I was one of the most popular girls in school. Not like the "mean girl" popular but popular as in I actually had A LOT of friends. But I guess you become friends with everyone when you're little. But anyways, one of my friends was a sensitive and somewhat emotional girl and another was a sort of demanding and almost bossy girl. I remember playing games with these two and almost every single time, the bossy friend would always do something that the sensitive one would always disagree on. I tried to balance things out and work out a fair arrangement but there was always that lingering thing between them that I couldn't help but notice everytime after that.
Come 3rd and 4th Grade and the ideals of "young love" kick in. I always hung around and got along well with the guys in the school. I'd play soccer and handball with them during recess & lunch and I'd play online games with them every afternoon or weekend. Because we were a small school, everyone knew each other and we got along quite nicely. I didn't think of any of these guys as more than just friends. I mean, they were great to be around and weren't half decent. But then I hear word that one of them likes me. I hear that they want to go out with me. Now you'll have to remember that we were in 4th Grade, so my parents had literally drilled into me that I was WAY too young to be thinking about boys. And I was worried about the consequences I might face if they found out I was going out with a boy. So I refused his offer to go out and left it at that.
At 5th and 6th Grade, I had a small group of good friends that I would always hang out with at school. I remember: Brittany, Emily,me and Rachel. Brittany & Emily were close friends before then though so we were already a close knit group. But something happened between Brittany and Emily's families that somehow got to the both of them and their friendship. I remember it almost clearly; Brittany and Emily were in an argument and Rachel decided to take sides. She went on Emily's side. I remember them all turning to me and asking "Who will you go with? Emi or Britt?" I was so shocked that I almost walked away.In fact, I think I did try. But Brittany just grabbed me and dragged me off, leaving Rachel and Emily alone. In the end, Brittany left our group altogether and she probably resents all of us to this day.
And now, these little things and so much more have affected me emotionally. It has shaped the decisions I made and trust me when I say; lots of those decisions are completely unlike my outward appearance of "Little Miss Innocent".
That boy and I had gotten incredibly awkward around each other and I found it difficult to become close to boys that I meet since then. I would always get suspicious when they tried to get too close to me or too friendly to me and I would now push them away or act bitter toward them. All in an effort to keep them from getting hurt...........................................I'm afraid to get into strong friendships because the stronger they are, the greater the conflicts are between us. I don't want to have to feel that bitterness between the people I care about just because of some stupid disagreement. And I don't want to have to choose between people because I know that it'll just end badly either way.
I don't want to have to feel anything like that again. And I'm afraid that if I tell you every part of my life, that you'll one day use it against me. Betray me. I'm afraid you'll judge the other parts of my inner being that contradict my "Innocent Image".
But maybe one day, I'll open up.
Maybe one day I'll be able to trust people.
Maybe one day I won't be afraid anymore.
But today just isn't that day.