Spirit of my book
Is it true? There Are No Coincidences.
I used to be an atheist and a skeptic, and was so firmly entrenched in these beliefs that the world appeared to me a circus. A circus of crazy, gullible, nieve people who were just wandering around waiting for the next input from a scam artist or opportunist. Anyone trying to make a buck, feed their ego, or most often, both. My belief was all emcompassing and ranged from info-mercials to religion, and because I was so totally and utterly sure I was right about my world view, the over-riding emotion for the life I was living was pity. Pity for all the poor slobs who couldn't think for themselves and were more than willing to hand over everything they owned from their wallets to their souls.
I believed that this world is solid and only as real as your five senses told you it was. There is no magic, there is no mystery, and there is nothing you can do to influence your lot in life other than to work hard and hope things will go your way. Most of all though, I was absolutely sure that there was no God, Gods or mystical connection to something bigger or deeper than what you can see, hear, touch, taste or smell. What you see is what you get and, while I was happy in my life and smug in my certainty, I believed that the sooner you accepted this cold, hard view of our existence, the less vulnerable you were to all the scammers out there and could buckle down and get to the hard work of living.
Then life pulled the rug out from under me, as life most assurdely and eventually will. After one traumatic, life altering event, an event that most people will face if they live long enough, I was reduced to a shell. A shell of a person and a mere outline of my former, arrogant, righteous self, and as the smoke cleared I found that I had a very important decision to make. My old way of thinking was fine for somone who had the luxury of never feeling real loss or real pain, but now that way of thinking threatened to destroy me. I no longer had that luxury and realized I needed to change, but I was going to need some help. Old habits die hard and I was going to need a little help.
A little help is just what I got, and as in the song "Breakeven" by The Script, when I awoke from the disbelief of this life altering event and found myself trapped in a nightmare...
"I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing"
"Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,"
"I'm falling to pieces"
"Im falling to pieces"
but that God didn't care that I didn't believe in him and he answered my prayers anyway. I look back now and am still amazed at how one traumatic event can transform you entire life long way of thinking if you can just find the courage to give up your skeptism, let go of your stubborness, relax and just believe.
Even more amazing is when I realized that the transformation had begun before the event took place, as if someone or something was preparing me to survive. This force made sure that, as thin as it was, I had a lifeline to the wonder and magic of this world. It took some time but I'm no longer that cold, hard, walled off skeptic and while I know more of what "I'm not" than of "what I am", I know for sure that I'm no longer an atheist.
I see strange, mystical things in my everyday life and, while I work each day to find their meaning, I know that they exist and therefore there is more out there than my old tired skeptic can easily explain off. My search for answers continues, but I finally feel connected to something or somone bigger than myself.