I felt a prickle as the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. I had the feeling that I was being watched, but the feeling of my chest caving in and my heart being crushed was weighing on my mind much more than that.
Barelyfive months ago I had stood in this very same cemetary. I had watched my little sister being lowered into the ground where she now still rested. Body atleast, I prayed all the time that her soul settled in Heaven with our Savior.
So young, so beautiful. She had had a great outlook on life and was growing up to be an amazing person that would definetly change the world one day.
I had that feeling again. The feeling that I was being watched. Like daggers piercing into my exposed flesh and it was becoming harder to ignore. I moved a little uncomfortably in my black slacks and black shirt. It was an extremely hot day. Trickles of sweat rolled along my back and caused my shirt to cling to it. But even with the almost unbearable heat I felt a shiver run along my spine and I could no longer just ignore it.
Turning to my left my gaze settled on my beautiful Kaya and I felt an ache stab at my heart seeing the pain etched on her gorgeous features. She had on a simple black dress that fell just below her knee's. Simple and casual. Perfect for the deathly occasion. A kleenex was clutched in her small hands and her body stood almost motionless. I looked down at the cross necklace adorning her neck and found a small comfort as I watched it rise and fall with her steady breaths.
Just to the left of Kaya stood Addy. Ghostly white in her long, tattered, black dress. Her bony fingers were clamped tightly across her mouth attempting but failing miserably to muffle the sobs that escaped as she gazed at the casket before her.
I tore my gaze away from the heartbreaking scene and gazed around at the small group of people that had cared enough to attend the funeral. Emmerson hadn't been a very popular person in his short lived life. Drugs tended to screw up people's lives and tear them away from the ones that loved them. Emmerson was a living example of just that. Now he was just another non breathing lesson learner that should teach more people to take a more responsible route in life.
Although Emmerson had been an idiot who had been the main cause of my sisters life being destroyed and lost. I couldn't help but feel a slight pang of pity for him. He had been my best friend and I couldn't say truthfully that I wasn't devasted by his death. Because truth be told, another piece of my heart was being ripped away as I thought. Maybe a minuscular piece compared to the piece that had been torn away when Claudia had left but still a piece none the less.
Not finding anyone who looked to be staring at me I gave Kaya's hand a small squeeze and turned to plant a soft kiss on her forehead. After doing this I took in a deep breath and stepped up next to Emmerson's casket and turned to face the small cluster of people gathered around.
I cleared my throat for attention, receiving it almost instantly. Every set of eyes was pulled to me and I shuffled my feet and tried to gain the confidence to speak and say what I needed to say. My palms were sweating and my temples pounded with unsaid thoughts. Finally I found the strength to begin.
"As most of you here know, I've held a lot of hostility towards Emmerson over these past few months. And although I'm not ready nor probably never will be ready to forgive him for my sister's death, I feel that I can find it in my heart to atleast understand his struggles with life. We all find our own ways to deal with the hardships of life and Emmerson's way to do that just mistakingly happened to be drugs. His parents were never there for him and he had to pretty much raise his younger sister on his own. He tried his hardest to be a good guy that she would look up to. But then he was introduced to the world of drugs. A world that came so much easier to him than the real world. My sister and Addy, myself and my beautiful girlfriend Kaya all tried to talk him out of that way of life. Saying that only bad things would come out of it. But once in so far he found it impossible to pull away and start over fresh. He got in to deep. Owed to much money. Couldn't quit a deadly addiction. And because of this, his girlfriend, my sister, a beautiful young ladies life was torn away brutally and degradingly. After this Emmerson found it even harder to give up the drugs although he tried his darndest. My sister's life was lost and I had an extremely hard time with it and still do. That story won't be talked about now. But even though it was lost because of his mistakes. Not even I can deny the love he had for her. The love he had for his sister. Or the love he had for his best friends. And not even I can deny my love for the man he used to be."
I could hear sniffles and full broken out sobs as I finished my speech. My own voice had quivered and I had almost broken down a time or two but had forced myself to go on. I needed to, it was essential for me. I wouldn't have been able to move on had I not went through with that speech. And as I stood there before everyone and gazed upon their heartbroken features I felt the shiver run through my spine again and finally caught sight of who was doing the staring.
Standing there with a cruel smile twisted into place on his scruffy face was one of the guys that I vowed I would end if I ever laid eyes on them again. An ugly hawiian themed shirt draped over his thick frame, smoke escaping his mouth as he puffed on a cigarette. One arm draped across the shoulders of a beautiful blonde girl. In fact it was none other than the girl who had stopped me on the day I had came back to town. She wore a skin tight black dress that barely covered her backside. So much make up was caked onto her face that she looked to be the guinea pig for a kindergarten make up class.
The images started them. As much as I tried to keep them away. It never worked.
***My beautiful little sister laid bleeding on the floor. Her naked body shivered uncontrollably as a group of guys stood around her laughing hysterically and jeering drunken words. Emmerson was tied to a chair right in viewing point of the whole scene. Horror and disgust etched into his features as he struggled to get loose and come to Claudia's aid. I saw her face, or what used to be her face. It was so badly beaten and bloody that it could barely be classified as a face any longer. Her blonde hair was dyed red with blood. I looked into her eyes. She looked so helpless. Her eyes pled with me to save her. They were filled with so much pain. To much pain to bear.****
Silent tears fell from my eyes and my body shook with pent up anger. Without my consent a roar of rage ripped from deep within my throat and I launched myself forward.