Jul 12, 2012
Derpderpderp. Hoolie hoop de hoop

May 8, 2012
I don't feel so good :/ Everything is fuzzy and I feel like half the time, I'm paying more attention to my thoughts than to what's actually happening. The reason I haven't been updating this as much is because I started journaling again. So... what's new? My dad's going to rehab, that's new. It's good. He goes every night from 6-9 and it's working much better than AA meetings. So that's a good thing. Unfortunately, I'm sorta breaking down. I'm realizing that I don't connect to people very well. I'm desperate to, though. I just want to be close with people again. It's making me sad and I just feel sorta numb and out of hope. I don't know what's going on with my boyfriend. He doesn't seem like himself anymore and I asked if he was upset about something or mad at me and he said he wasn't. So I'm starting to think maybe he doesn't like me anymore. It's hard to have a long-distance relationship. This always happens. I'm reading more, though. I plan to write a novel. I decided I would read lots of books first to get ideas. Right now I'm reading Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk. It's weird. The pages and chapters are numbered backwards. The end.

May 2, 2012
Hey. My brain is sweltering with confusion mixed with angry music. I need to get something off my chest. I love my boyfriend- I do. But for some reason, something else keeps entering my vunerable thoughts as I space out. This... girl. Well, two actually. The first... I don't know her name, but I see her all the time in the halls and in the morning. The closest I've been to talking to her was this one time in the hall when I was trying to get to my art class and there was this couple directly in front of me making out. The rest of the hallway was blocked, and I was so disgusted that I yelled "EWW!" too loudly in front of them. She was standing behind me and she laughed and I looked back to smile. That's all. (Since that day, I haven't seen that couple making out there) This other girl though... I've known her since seventh grade and we've always had classes together. We have three together this year. And she's very pretty in a girl-next-door kinda way. I used to think she was really annoying until we started talking about personal stuff. She was the one who taught me how to dye my hair. We always work together on school projects and sit together at assemblies or any other time, really. She holds my hand when we walk from second to third period sometimes. Not in like, a romantic way. And she calls me cute a lot. But then I think it's wrong for me to think all these things about her because of my boyfriend. But I can't help it. I see her so much and she's always around and it's impossible for me not to. I don't know what to do. I wanna tell her that I'm bisexual. I want to know if she is, too. I think she is. I don't wanna tell her how I feel about her, though. I don't know. I just... I don't want to date her or anything. Maybe I would if I wasn't already in a relationship. I don't know what I want. I'm happy in my relationship for the most part, though. Despite the fact that he's sorta a boring texter. :P But I do really like him :) So I don't want to end it, I won't. That's not what I wanted this to sound like. Gah... the end DX

Apr 29, 2012
Things I learned today: if you tell your family what you're doing in art and expect them to cheer for you, you will be miserable. If you run 6 miles away from home to somewhere you've never ran to, you will feel excited, terrified, exhausted, free, and overall- content. If you make a blog, it must have a purpose. Julien Smith's blog is brilliant, he is a genius, and if I spent one week with him, I would be a much better person.

Apr 29, 2012
I have lots to say, but I'll try to keep it short. :) First, yes- the underside of my hair is red. I died it with kool aid :] Second, my dad is going to rehab finally. Why? I do not know. I don't know what sparked it. Third, read Julien Smith's book The Flinch (it's free on Amazon- it'll take you half an hour to read it.) and do the first "Homework Assignment." I did. It was worth it. I did it again today. Once you do it, come talk to me about it. I'm not kidding. Fourth, I'm finding things out about myself and trying to apply them so I am less fake. Fifth, I'm developing my own artistic style and it feels good. Sixth, I want to write longer things. Seventh, I ran six miles the other day, it was terrifying. Eighth, I am trying to be a better person. Ninth, I cleaned my room- A LOT- and I found things that made me cry; like letters from old friends. Tenth, I want to make a blog. I need a purpose. Eleventh, I will never stop until I die.

Apr 28, 2012
Current list of people I look up to and idolize: Brad Oberhofer, Julien Smith, and Loius Zamperini (thank you Laura Hillenbrand, for writing a book on Louis Zamperini.)

Apr 23, 2012
Trying to write, it's not working. My creativity has been stolen by my evil teachers with their evil homework. I am ready for summer. I am going to immerse myself in reading and art and perhaps socializing, but probably not. Went to go see The Lucky One- Zac Efron was the best part.

Apr 22, 2012
I found a band that I LOVE!! I don't know what it is about them, but I just like it a lot :) They're called Oberhofer and I have their whole album Time Capsules II plus Dead Girls Dance on my iPod XD They kinda make poppy, tangled music with simple lyrics. I just like it XD My favorites so far are Away Frm U, Heart, and I Could Go. Now my second favorite band of all time :) Right behind Neutral Milk Hotel. I hated them at first, but now I can't stop listening to them XD

Apr 20, 2012
Hi. I don't really know what happened yesterday. I'd say it was a panic attack. Followed by uncontrollable sobbing. I honestly don't know where it came from. I hyperventilated so hard that my throat was sorta bleeding a little. I didn't even feel like myself, it was so weird. I have yet to find out where it came from, but I hope it never happens again. Anyway, on a lighter note, I suppose I'll update my love life :-) It's sorta drawn out, but basically I like this boy named Chance ^_^ When we met, we had a connection and I'm pretty sure I'll fall in love with him. He is very lovely. XD and I know he's not just one of those boys who uses me and stuff- I can't really explain it without rambling on and on. So perhaps I should stop XD But I just love it :)

Apr 15, 2012
http://www.menshealth.com/mhlists/things_men_want_from_women/ I read this and I cried. Fuck you! All guys want is fucking sex! FUCK FUCK FUCK!! FUCK YOU!! Jesus Christ, I hate everything about that list. EVERYTHING. FUCKING HATE. Now read this one http://bandith.wordpress.com/2006/12/04/61-things-about-guysgirls-have-to-know/ someone tell me which one is right :'( please

Apr 11, 2012
I couldn't sleep last night because I thout my doppelgänger was gonna find me. Or that I would see it. Don't know what I'm talking about? Go here: http://paranormal.about.com/od/Doppelgangers/a/doppelgangers.htm And here: http://www.booksie.com/literary_fiction/short_story/req/the-doppelganger-story. I normally don't get freaked out by stuff like this, but it was interesting and I read too much about it before bed ROFL

Apr 10, 2012
I challenge you to a game of Draw Something. My username? xCapriSun. Rather duel me in Words With Friends? My name's Neutral_Milk_Hotel. Come at me, bro.

Apr 5, 2012
Me and my website broke up. It just wasn't working out. She was sorta stupid and I didn't like her that much anyways. Me and my best friend aren't really that good of friends anymore :/ it realllly sucks. It's sorta like we were really good friends two years ago, and now, I've sorta grown up. Well, not grown up- but I'm not the same person at all. I've gotten a little more mature- and she hasn't. It's really sad :( I miss her a lot. We have nothing to talk about anymore. I don't vent to her anymore. She doesn't get it. She tries to help, but she just can't relate. My friend Ashtyn, however, and I are becoming better friends again. We were best friends in elementary school (since fourth grade). We liked the same boys a bunch of times and she taught me to be more confident and we were ALWAYS there for each other- even now. Even if we haven't talked to each other in months. If one of us needs to vent, it's like picking up where we left off. And she makes sure I keep having higher standards for boys and such. Without her, I would probably be hopelessly slutty. Damn. Now, if she was lesbian, I'd probably really like her. But she's like the girliest, straightest, girl I know. Not girly like annoying, she's still down to earth. I dunno. I love her XD I don't know where I was going with this rofl :P

Apr 2, 2012
Whilst I was bored, I decided to look up weird fetishes. I found some SUPER WEIRD ONES! There was one where people get turned on by AIDS.... thefuck? Up until today, the weirdest fetish I had heard of was a foot fetish. Anyway, the reason I was thinking about this stuff was because today in Drama class we had to watch these clips blah blah blah and there was this one really awkward clip where this girl was kidnapped or something and she ended up sucking on this guy's finger or something. It was really uncomfortable. Ethan was like "What are we watching?!" and that was pretty much what everyone else was thinking. I just don't get why that would turn a guy on. But whatevss XD Everybody's got some kind of weird fetish- I've got a few that I probably won't share on here lol. I've never had sex but... whatever. Ya get mah point. What are your fetishes?

Apr 1, 2012
A promise is a promise, doll. I promise.

Mar 31, 2012
I started writing a song! I actually like it so far, although it's only 25 seconds long hahah. It's got a sentimental vibe to it, or at least I think it does. I finally figured out that the key to writing songs that I like is to use weird chords that probably exist, but you don't know their name. Anyway, oh! I also had this weird dream where I was partially awake, but not really aware of it. It was about being incestual with my brother. I don't actually have a brother. But according to my dream, I'd make out with him if I had one lol. I probably wouldn't- but I don't feel gross or violated after that dream. I have dreams where I feel violated when I wake up... they make me cry for a long time. It's terrible. But this one was alright. I'd probably feel yucky if I actually had a brother hahah. I think I'm just really lonely.

Mar 28, 2012
I am going to write a poem, short story, and song (with lyrics or not) AND create a new piece of art before the end of spring break: April 19th I think. it starts in a week or so... so, I have two weeks to do all those things. I'LL START NAOOOOO!!!

Mar 28, 2012
Today, I found out a boy killed himself. I don't like it very much, I knew him. His name was Jordan Taber and he was a grade below me. We went to elementary school together and we went to the same middle school. But I never really got to know him- I didn't talk to him much, if at all. But I knew him. I saw him every year. He hung himself on Sunday and that didn't totally kill him and he went to the hospital. He died yesterday or last night. I don't know why he killed himself, really. It could have been bullying or because his dad had died, I'm not sure. I wish I knew him, I'm positive he was a great person. I feel like I could've DONE something to stop it. It's surreal having someone you know kill themselves, even if you hardly knew them at all it seems. Fucking sad. So fucking goddamn sad, he was only 13 years old probably. Thirteen or fourteen. and I could've KNOWN him; I could've done something. Goddamn. Six whole years of going to the same school, Goddamn. Could've fucking done something. But it's too late. There's absolutely nothing that could even remotely take back the fact that he killed himself. Not even a little bit. Fucking fuck. I really hate death. I haven't experienced a lot of people I know dying- I still have all my grandparents. What am I going to do? I haven't even had a dog die before or anything. This kid died and I hardly knew him and I'm freaking out. I hate it. What's gonna happen when it's someone close to me? Goddamn... Just another reminder to take care of your suicidal friends, I guess. That's fucking sad... Thirteen years old.

Mar 27, 2012
http://inoveryourhead.net/the-complete-guide-to-not-giving-a-fuck/ I really like this article for some reason. It made me laugh in some parts. Peruse it if this sort of thing strikes your fancy.

Mar 26, 2012
Also, I would like to say that I appreciate the way they filmed Hunger Games. I wanted to make love to the Cinematography.

Mar 26, 2012
Nevermind. I don't like him. Summarizing today's events... Well actually, I'd rather not. But basically I have been turned off from all boys and girls forever. Put more simply, if I had the choice of being in a relationship with anyone at my school, I would rather be asexual. I really like that word and concept by the way- asexual/asexuality. I want to make some kind of art to commemorate my love for people who will never find anyone to be with. Also, not to be a downer (though it seems inevitable at this point), I'm realizing my SarcasticGothWhoTriesSoHardToBeNormal-ness is unattractive. Bleh. I'll try to come on here when I feel better. and I'm deleting the previous newsfeed, so the summary of that is: there's this boy and I thought I liked him but I don't because he flirts with everyone and yeah. Rambling ends here.

Mar 21, 2012
I told my mom that I want to be an artist when I grow up and she freaked out (in a good way). And she started researching the crap out of art institutes everywhere and art programs at different state universities et cetera. We also talked about what kind of artist I wanted to be and she talked about galleries she's been to (I didn't know she went to art galleries) and she took me to the library to get an art book that I've been talking about. It's really addicting :) Anyway, apparently there is a difference between getting your Bachelor of Arts and getting your Bachelor of Fine Arts. I'm not sure which I should aim for. Arts has more psycology classes and stuff along with art classes and fine arts has more art classes and some phsycology classes. I'm just gunna cross that bridge when I arrive there :P I wanna finish this art book though because I want to get another one on color theory! Anyway, I'm rambling and I really need to stop and go do my homework.... so I will..... bye.

Mar 19, 2012
I haven't been on in awhile because every time I'm on here, something makes me sad. I don't know what it is yet. There are a bunch of things happening that I was going to talk about; I could talk about really happy good stuff or depressing stuff but the more I think about it, I realize that no one even cares so I'll probably just go back to journaling for awhile. I don't know how I became such an introvert. I used to be really outgoing and such. Now I'm all jaded and sarcastic and while people think I'm funny, they must be scared of getting close to me or something. Maybe because they're afraid I'll think they're dumb and idiotic. I probably would.

Mar 7, 2012
I DARE YOU TO TRY..... THE CINNAMON CHALLENGE! The challenge is to try to swallow one SCOOP (I SAID SCOOP, not tiny little swallow) of cinnamon in under a minute. My second challenge for you is to try to hunt me down and punch me in the face for making you do the cinnamon challenge XD Cos it hurts like a muthafuckerrr. I've done it. I almost threw up-forreals. and it burns your throat like no other. I don't really want you to do the challenge, I just wanted to talk about it. done.

Mar 7, 2012
Well... I ate fruits and veggies all day... my reward is pizza. BUT IT'S OKAY! IT'S VEGGIE PIZZA! :) NYEAHHAHAH!! I decided that if you're a carboholic, you should just accept it. But I'm only going to eat one normal meal a day and the rest will be fruits and veggies. My other plan was too insane for me. Who eats fruits and veggies all day? WEIRDOS, THAT'S WHO! I don't care how much you crave carrots, eat some carbs. nomnomnom

Mar 6, 2012
I decided I'm only going to eat fruits and vegetables for a whole week. Not because I'm fat or anything- for scientific purposes. Apparently if you can change your eating habits and keep them that way for a whole week, it changes what kinds of foods you crave. Since I'm a carboholic, I figured this would be interesting ^_^ So starting tomorrow, wednesday to wednesday, nothing but fruits and vegetables. With the exception of yogurt and milk because I NEED my strawberry milk. Yogurt is kinda like fruit. Also, I'm trying to be more open with people. It sorta freaks me out that I'm so different around my friends than I actually am in my brain. So I'm just going to start being more open. That's all i got.

Mar 5, 2012
I feel the need to talk on and on and on. this must be how normal people feel on a regular basis- THAT'S why people have friends and I don't. I just have a lot in my brain. I normally do, but it's overwhelming at the moment. I have a hopeless crush on a junior in my drama class. i'm friends with his girlfriend and all. His sister stole my first boyfriend from me. I don't know if it's really a crush or just interest because I started talking to him and he's just one of those people I just... click with. One of the three people I just click with. One was this boy I met on a school trip to Washington D.C... It was extremely odd. If you've ever actually clicked with someone, you'll know what I mean. I never actually liked him as more than a friend- or I thought I did for a time but it seemed silly after awhile. I like people easily. And then there was you, Sam, who is probably the only person who reads these hahah. Maybe you didn't feel like I was anything when we first met but I sure thought you were really cool HAH. Like the only person who's thoughts were remotely similar to mine in any way. It was weird for me. and you were confusing! I couldn't tell if I liked you or if you intimidated me or what- I shouldn't really be saying that because I've never actually met you in person and you probably think I'm super creepy but... everyone does lol. I think in the end I decided that I just admire you. But you're definitely confusing. Anyway, I guess I lost my point. I don't really have a crush on the boy in my drama class, I just like talking to him because I can actually talk to him. Either way, I feel weird today!! Can you tell? I feel like I need to tell everybody everything.

Mar 5, 2012
I hope Braiden did his history homework, cuzz imma need to copy it.

Mar 2, 2012
Hey. I feel like I haven't been on here in a really long time. I'm just really busy I guess. Yesterday was really good and a little bad. Well first, there's this guy in my driving class that I got the nerve to sit by and talk to a week or two ago and now we're pretty good friends but I think he likes this other girl in my class. I can't really tell. He's super funny though, once you get to know him. He was really quiet at first. Anyway, the good part was that my art teacher talked to me about taking AP Art or Ad Design next year because we're starting to register for our classes. He says I have a lot of potential :) AP Art isn't even offered to 10th grade, but he says I could let me register anyway if I wanted to. But he said if I wanted a career in art, Ad Design was the way to go. It covers things like designing restaurants, fashion design, and fine arts (which is where I plan to go). And then a bunch of people keep telling me I need to go to an art school when I grow up. My friend said Parsons School of Design is hard to get into, but it's apparently a really good art school. I've been looking at it, especially the Student work section under Fine Arts (BFA). Even my mom says I should go to art school ^_^ It's a good feeling. I have a lot of work to do though since I'm still learning. But I'm only a Freshman so it's okay :) I can't picture myself doing anything besides art when I grow up. I think when people feel like that about something, then that's what they should pursue. I'll try to be on Booksie more. Sorry for talking about myself so much hahah

Feb 19, 2012
I almost got switched out of my art class. Freshmen aren't allowed to be in it second semester because it's too advanced (whoever made that rule was stupid) and they wanted to put me in a computer essentials class where I would learn how to save a word document. (required class.) but I started freaking out and crying and I said that art is what I'm going to do when I'm older and I don't need a computer class. And I got switched back in :) I had a heart attack though. Anyway, I'm making a super kickass oil pastel piece right now and I'll post a picture when I'm finished:) Also, I made a choice that I am going to be an artist as a career. I believe that you can achieve anything with determination, commitment, originality, and passion. And I have all of those things. I won't settle for anything else because nothing else would even come close to being good enough. I've grown a lot in the past year and I'm still young and there is still so much to learn. I am going to be an artist. Okay well, I have a lot more to say but I have to go get a haircut sooo... Later

Feb 9, 2012
So... I have some stuff to say. First, I don't know what to think about my Drama class. I sort of like it, the people there are kinda cool... But it sorta makes me nervous because I can be extremely shy sometimes. Or sometimes really outgoing, it depends on the circumstances. Anyway, also.. This girl said that I remind her of that gothic art girl in the movie Mean Girls. At first that was an insult, because I thought she meant I look like her. But she just meant that my personality is sorta like hers. I don't know if that's good or bad. Also, I tried to be trendy but all my trendy clothes are too big now and it's upsetting :( ... My first driving class is today! I hope there are some decent people there. I became an organ donor once I got my driving permit. I envisioned this weird happening where I was dying and they took my organs out and put them in someone else and then I told that person to go and achieve their goals and dreams and then they did because they were so grateful for my organs. Unfortunately, I was dead so I couldn't see them. Armadillos are my new favorite animal

Feb 6, 2012
Ahhhh okay :) I have some thoughts that I need to write down so I can get them out of my brain. First of all, did you know that running and exercise are more effective than antidepressents (I feel like I spelled that incorrectly...) when trying to not being depressed anymore? I'm not just making that up, either. I read it in a runner's magazine and I truly believe it... because it's true. And it occured to me last night while reading the Health & Fitness section of my Seventeen magazine that I need to GET ON IT because this depression thing is just not gunna work. Also, I realized that depressed people are harder to be with in relationships. It makes sense if you think about it because if you're depressed, then you sometimes become dependent and it creates a really unhealthy obsessive bond. Plus, it puts too much pressure on the person the depressed person is dating because they feel like they need to take care of them. Anyway, I also realized that there's not really a secret to getting a girl or guy to like you. It's simply how you make them feel when they're around you. Like if you have fun together then they probably like being around you and then eventually they like you. SIMPLE. Or at least that's how girls work usually. XP You know what summer smells like? It smells like that in my room right now :) It's my favorite smell because it means it's sunny and happy outside! :D Seriously, sun makes me really happy. Maybe because where I live, it's rarely sunny. RARELY. Like, it rains all year until summer. But it makes my mood better ^_^ It's been sunny three straight days in a row!!! It makes everything easier it seems like, or at least because I'm in a better mood. Even school is better when it's not all gloomy and cold. OH MY GOSH I just realized I have a new lunch tomorrow and a new fourth period! :DDD Ahhhhhhyessss. First lunch with my friends and drama fourth period (I didn't sign up, but new people= chance for me to be normal.) OHALSO I'm delusional. It's happened at least twice! This is gunna make me sound really crazy and retarded, buttttt... I was playing Apples to Apples with my family (THAT GAME IS SO FUNNN :D) and apparently I hallucinated that I won a green card and that I said to my mom "Ha! Now we're tied." But halfway through the game, I realized I didn't have any green cards and everyone said I hadn't won one yet. Okay, so that sounds really lame in story form. But it was pretty trippy when it actually happened. Because I remember seeing someone hand me the card and I remember saying it and everything! But we went through all the cards and it definitely didn't happen lol. So I'm going insane, coooool XD I also thought being late to first period three times in a row was just a dream, which it wasn't. I think I just space out too much, lol. ALRIGHT this newsfeed is much too long and ramble-y. DONE

Feb 3, 2012
I made you guys another playlist. I decided to call it 'Andrew Bird and His Incredible Ablility to Cry and Smile All At Once.' In this playlist you will find: Simple lyrics, huggable guitar and melody, music that could possibly make you feel sentimental, and sometimes scenic backround noises. Ready? The first song is: Master Sigh by Andrew Bird. It has no words, but it's good for those times where you just need to lay there and be alone. I like the album art to this album entitled "Useless Creatures." #2: Ivy and Gold by Bombay Bicycle Club... It makes me want to go to the beach and forget about everything. Simple. #3: Leaves in the River by Sea Wolf. Sea Wolf's songs usually are special to me in a way I can't really describe. His lyrics are really simple and the music makes me feel like crying in a good way. I only listen to this song when I'm alone or at night or when I need it. I attatched a heart to this song for you: <3. #4: Atoms by Cashes Rivers. There aren't really any good versions of this besides the studio version, so if you listen to it on Youtube you might be disappointed. Buy it, or listen to it if it comes up on your Pandora Radio by chance. Or be disappointed. I really like the humming/singing part. :) #5: Fitz and the Dizzyspells by Andrew Bird. I bought this song without listening to it because I wanted some Andrew Bird and this was only $0.69, I like it ^_^ #6: Till The End of Time by DeVotchKa. This song was in Little Miss Sunshine (which I have yet to see, yet I yearn to.) I almost cried when I saw that it wasn't on iTunes. Someone, anyone, tell me how you get songs on your iPod without iTunes. PLEASE! I WILL MARRY YOU! #7: Tenuousness by Andrew Bird. I like the whistling :] I like songs with whistling. So anyway, there you go. Plain and simple. Andrew Bird and His Incredible Ability to Cry and Smile All At Once. Lemme know whatchya think ;D

Feb 3, 2012
You know what's the best that I just realized? When I get a girlfriend, (because I'm going to), we can do girly stuff together like going to the mall and watching chick flicks and all that! :D It's makin me all happy an stuff :P Also, I got my final project back from Commercial Arts and I'll post a picture up here for you guys soon as I get home! :) I'm gunna frame that and my bike and put it in my room ^_^ Also also, I had a breakdown yesterday because I couldn't find my iPod. That's how much I love it. Kinda sad...

Feb 1, 2012
Ahhh, okay. So I've been gone for a long time because of school & stress and all that. Finals, projects etc... and my family being my family. And then I have driving classes soon! :D (getting my permit saturday... I'm gunna drive hellaaaa over the weekend hopefully.) Anyway, I'd first like to point out that I feel bisexual again! It's really confusing, but not at the same time. Because it feels right. also, I made two important discoveries: 1. liquid eyeliner. Better than pencil eyeliner. Stays on longer, it's darker, it makes thinner lines. 2. If you want perfect side bangs every day, part your hair farther over and cut it a little yourself. BAM I just got 10% hotter. Hahahh Anyway... Quick summary: I'm depressed and sometimes happy, I am lonely, I want a girlfriend. I'm stressed out because of finals, I have to go study for finals right now.... BYE ;)

Jan 25, 2012
The competition was terrible and incredible. Terrible because I had this vision of me doing amazing and I messed it all up. Incredible because this guy there who had a heavy asian accent was very inspirational. I won't go into detail. Also, while I'm thinking about it, I would just like to make it clear how much I absolutely abhor people who poke fun at the Holocaust, Hitler, and ignorant people who ask my Jewish friend how he can be Jewish and German at the same time. I despise with every fiber of my genetic makeup antiseminists, conspiracy nuts, and people who make racist jokes towards Jews. Ignorant, IGNORANT people who don't understand the atrocities of the crimes against humanity forced onto the Jews and other groups of people who didn't fit strict social "norms"; this includes physically and mentally disabled individuals and people who were suspected of acts of homosexuality. Suspects- as if it were a crime. Jesus Christ! It disgusts me how idiotic, ill-informed, and insensitive some people are. War crimes are not funny. Genocide is not funny. Torture, rape, inhumane medical experiments, racism, and the act of taking someone's life based solely on their personal beliefs or lack of social normality is not funny, is not a joke, and should not be taken lightly. and if you thought all that was hilarious, then you're a fucking idiot and I have nothing to say to you. The end. On a different note, I feel sorta weird lately. Really independent. I like being independent, actually. And I feel like I have super high standards now, like I can't meet anyone that interests me enough to the point that I want to go on a date with him/her. Everyone's the same and I feel like everyone says the same things to me when they like me or when I like them or whatever. Either way, I like being independent. It gives me some freedom it feels like.

Jan 23, 2012
Hey! I didn't commit suicide, my power was just off for a few days :'( Really sucked. What really sucks is now and I don't really want to explain it because it's too revealing. Basically, I'm in love with somebody. Or maybe I'm not but I'm obsessed enough to where it feels like I am. I'm like some creepy stalker :'( All I know is that I usually have to force myself to like someone because I'm sick of being single but this time I'm not. And I've liked him for a long time, even when I was dating somebody (that sounds kinda bad. I didn't realized how much I liked him until now though, if it counts for anything). And maybe the worst part is the fact that I will never tell him. Ever. The truth is, I almost did one time. But then I read something and it confirmed that there was absolutely zero chance of him ever slightly feeling the same way for me. Think of it like.. if you loved a fish. Well, the fish loves other fish. And you are not a fish, nor can you magically become one. That's how it is for me. And maybe I sound really obvious... But maybe I don't sound obvious at all. I can't really tell. I just want to mean something to someone. And that guy really means something to me because he's pretty much the only one who's stopped me from completely falling apart and he won't even ever know it. I guess that's just how it goes. The next round of my poetry competition is tomorrow. I have a 1/26 chance of winning.

Jan 16, 2012
I looked up who was the magnificent creator of the name "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close" and it turns out it's this guy: Jonathan Safran Foer. AKA my future husband. He is adorablelooking.

Jan 16, 2012
I just saw a movie preview for "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close" and it gave me goosebumps. Forreals. XD hahah, seriously. and for some reason, it reminded me of my burning desire to create some sort of film. Short film, forgien film, music video... Something. I went through this film school phase. Anyway, I also want to marry whoever came up with the name "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close"

Jan 8, 2012
OH MY GOD MY NEWSFEED WENT AWAY! I'll pick up where I left off. I like awkward sexual questions. EXCEPT WHEN I'M TRYING TO SLEEP. I don't know if I've told you this already... I was at my friend Kelley's house spending the night and right when I was about to fall asleep, she was all "would you rather be fucked or fingered?" and she went on and on about it and would not shut up soooo... Okay. New subject. Summarize. I need to get to know this guy. He is hilariously cute. I like him as a friend. And only that. He is my band geek friend's cousin. He is much nicer than my band geek friend HAHAHH. Next subject. I got distracted and forgot everything I was going to say on here. BUT I'M MAKING A NEW POEM XD I'm only two lines in... But... It'll be good. Pinky promise.

Jan 6, 2012
I was cleaning songs off my iPod and I found my Pacsun Playlist! It's just kinda chill roadtrip songs, if you will.. Wait what? Anyway, I just thought I'd share the list with you guys ^-^ Listen to it when you do your homework, take showers, fall asleep, dance brainlessly, or on road trips or something. and when you hear them, you'll just think "oh yeah that cool girl Shannon showed me this chill songs." HEREWEGO: 1. Dreaming of Another World- Mystery Jets 2. Bushwick Blues- Delta Spirit 3. You Are Dangerous- Steel Train 4. The Current State of Our Future- Chasing Kings 4. He's Not A Boy- The Like 5. Searchlight- Aloha (My favorite from this particular selection) 6. Wait Up (Boots of Danger)- Tokyo Police Club

Dec 29, 2011
"Every post you could hitch your faith on is a pie in the sky, chalk full of lies, a tool we devise, to make sinking stones fly."

Dec 29, 2011
"But the lonely are such delicate things. The wind from a wasp could blow them into the sea, with stones on their feet, lost to the light and the loving we need."

Dec 26, 2011
And you unearth something malevolent in me, dove. And I could not see the day, but I was efficient in my work. And there were things to be done and sought to and ripped apart only to restart digging deeper than before. There are things I do not understand. I admire you, sir. It is a heavy admiration that only seems to burst and fold on itself and yet it does not cease- it could not cease. It is stirred but deep within me and surfaces only in spirals of resentment and coolness. A bitter coolness like that of today and yesterday and several days before. It is this that I do not understand: how much love and resentment that could reside in one chest, one stomach, towards only one and that, of course, is you my dove. Yet how do I hate someone who is so close- so dear to me? I do not know. But it is best that you stay far away, for my illness could be brought upon in violence or speech or things that I could not wish upon yourself. So stay away, my love. For it is only for the best.

Dec 12, 2011
Having crushes on people is painful. Are they called crushes because liking someone crushes your brain and heart into a fleshy dust that love worms scurry through in the morning, night, and times in the middle, even? I think so. Or maybe they're called crushes because liking someone crushes your sanity into an oblivion and gives you so many butterflies that your guts crush and spill out of your bellybutton. Evil litte butterflies. Fuck you, butterflies. You make me mad. CRUSHES MAKE ME MAD. I don't like liking people that are so hard to get! People I don't have classes with... It should be illegal to like people that are too hard to get to know more fully. Why do we even have to like anyone? You know what I thought of in art class today? What if there was a person who completely hated everything in the entire earth except for lighthouses on the beach? They would hate eating, people, polotics, religion, art, the way people blush, doctors, sleeping, waking up, hot showers, snow, feet and toes, and any other comfort or necessity or way of life. They would hate everything! They would hate mondays and any other day of the week, even friday and saturday. They would hate everything in the world except for lighthouses on the beach. Would they live there? Would they just lay on the lighthouse floor and stare at the light and feel the coarse ground below them with their fingertips and decompose? Would anyone even love them? Probably not. I wouldn't love someone who hated me intensely. Or maybe I would. Or maybe all I would love is lighthouses as well. Anyway, I thought of all this when I saw this one girl's picture she made for an oil pastel project. It wasn't unordinarily spectacular or anything, but the sky was pink and there was a lighthouse on a beach with some grassy mountains to the side and on the horizon. I liked the picture a lot. She just switched into our class and I wanted to tell her that I liked her picture. I wanted to tell her that I hate everything except lifehouses because of her picture. Maybe I will tell her that sometime.

Dec 7, 2011
Let's fall asleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep and make some baaaaaaaabiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeessssss and never even have sex at allllllllllll. I just wrote that song, do you like it? ...

Sep 11, 2011
Okay so I've been so busy ranting about my problems that I forgot to tell you guys about THE GREATEST day of my life. :) yesterday. Yesterday was my first official cross country meet. I was on a team of five people for this relay at a lake. Each person had to run a 3K (about 2 miles) up hills and through trails and such and then tag the next person. My friend Kelley was on my team and so was Brayden.. And these other two boys I'm not really good friends with, Nathan and Spencer. So Spencer goes first, and then Nathan, and then MEEEEE and I started running. I was nervous though and so I was already breathing quickly from the start. And my legs felt heavyyy, but I kept going. Up the hills, down the hills, trying not to fall and die on the trail. AND THEN I get to the last 800 meters. Through a lake. Yes, we had to run through a lake. The water came up to about my ribcage or maybe even higher and it was wayyyyyy harder than I expected it to be. I was dying. And then I heard Kelley scream "YEAHHHHHHH!!! GO SHANNON BANANA!!!!!!" AND THEN when I got to the last part where you were supposed to sprint, I tried very hard. But I was soaked and my shoes were making squishy noises (We had to keep our shoes on in the lake.) And then Kelley went and I cheered for her and all. And then we both stood out in the lake and cheered on Brayden, who looked like he was gunna pass out. But we were cheering so loud that everyone was staring at us. And the guy behind Brayden was getting close and he was trying to swim, so Brayden started (not so) subtly splashing water in his face. I almost died from laughing. But anyway, we didn't win. There were like, 70 teams there. We may not have been the fastest team.. But hey, we were definitally the best looking team ;D So yeah. Verrrrryfun:) I definitally love my cross country friends. And alsoooo, I just remembred! I got these new panties but I can't wear them because they're too slutty >:( Well.. I dunno. But I don't wanna be changing in the locker room and have everyone staring at my slutty panties. So damn. Wanna know what they look like?:D Okay! Theyre pink with light pink lace around the edges and a little pink bow on the front. The slutty part is that they have these thin vertical stripes on them that aree a little see through. But I didn't think anyone would SEE them!!!! I just bought them cause they're cute. I didn't think of changing in the locker room after school and stuff. Gahh. I guess I'll just wear them on Saturdays or Sundays. Anyway, just thought you all would like to know about my underwear BRUHAHHAHA. You were basically forced to read that since it was with my cross country story. ;D I'm not gunna warn you guys about weird stuff anymore.. You are welcome ^_^

Aug 17, 2011
Finished the Good Earth.... So very painful. The ending was the most depressing part because after ALL THAT, after all the crap he went through to get the land, after reading 384 pages focused on his damn land, his sons are going to sell it. I guess that's what you get for being such a bastard your whole life.

Aug 17, 2011
Dream número dos! Okay so I was on vacation with my family and some of my friends in some odd western town and we spent a lot of time in this one particular building. It was made entirely of wood and there were multiple floors separated by creaky stairs. One time when we were in it, there was a whole lot of talking and conversation when suddenly the room went completely silent when a boy walked in. He didn't say anything, he just walked over to the stairs and creaked his way down them. On the floor the boy just went onto was apparently where a whole bunch of druggies would go to shoot Heroin and he was one of them, yet he was only about my age. And it must have been at the top of the staircase where I found a bit of thick clear/yellowish liquid that in my brain was heroin. I don't think heroin is really that color, but bear with me. And it was already loaded up and ready to use... So I did. Now keep in mind, you silly creatures, that I don't shoot heroin- that I havent and never will do drugs of any sort. This was only a dream. With that established... I didn't shoot the whole thing, there was still a bit left and I didn't feel any different. So I treaded down the stairs to the floor below where the boy was. There were a few wooden tables but not much else, and their wasn't much floor space. It was like a dock or deck that wrapped around the establishment. And there the boy was, pacing back and forth and biting his nails because he had no more heroin left and no more money for it, I believe. And when he saw me with the bit of it that I had, he quickly paced over to me and demanded I give it to him. But I didn't go down there just to GIVE it to him, I wanted money for it. But he didn't have any, so I started to walk away and lead myself back upstairs. Then I felt hands on my hips and he pulled me forcefully down the stairs and pushed me against the wall and demanded it again, reaching for it and struggling and I hid it behind my back. This made him completely furious and he tugged me away from the wall and attacked me with his mouth and I was practically choking on his tougne so I just decided to give him his goddamn drugs. When I handed it to him, he held it up and said "It's not even that much, anyway! How much money were you expecting for it?!" I just shrugged and walked back up the stairs as he shot it into his system. Then the next section of the dream was basically me trying to keep it a secret that I had shot a bit of heroin because I didn't want anyone to know. Meanwhile, I was still a drug dealer and had dealt heroin to many people, but mostly to the boy downstairs. Then my friends started suspecting something and I believe one or two found out and they were shocked and weirded out. But in the end, my parents never found out and me and the boy downstairs became good friends and the last thing I remember was telling him that I was never going to do heroin again and he said something like "That's good, my dear. You're much too lovely to let heroin fuck you up." And he wrote me a song that was really just a Radiohead song and my family went back home. The end. :) I should make a poem out of that dream!

Aug 17, 2011
Okay soooo my weird dreams. One was weirder than the other. The less weird one was I was in class doing some project and someone came up behind me and scared me and you know who it was? It was you, Sam. Yeah. I know you read these. Creepy, right? If you didn't think I was creepy before, well now I am. Anyway, so somehow I got stuck doing a project with Sam where we had to make a poster for The Good Earth or something (20 more pages and I'm done!:D procrastinating) and he kept falling asleep or messing up the poster and he said he was going to the store to get tea and honey and OUT OF NOWHERE my dream changed and I was trekking with my family up this big hill and my mom came over and brought me tea but mine was unsweetened and I got really pissed off.... Yeah.... And then I was walking across this narrow plank laid across a deep abyss and I felt my phone buzz and it was Sam -.- He said something weird that I didn't understand and as I was about to reply and ask him what the hell he was talking about, I felt the sudden urge to throw my phone ahead of me onto the plank. I did, and i missed. And there my phone fell, into the abyss. Gone. And all I thought was "crap, now we're gunna get an F on our poster" I dunno. That's one dream! I'll post my other one in a sec XD

Aug 7, 2011
Perhaps the most devastating news of the summer came to me at the doctors office. I'm.... Pregnant:( I can't believe this happened. We only did it once without protection and now we're going to have to raise a child:(:( Just kidding. I am a virgin still :] but I really did get horrible news at the doctor!:( I was getting a sports physical & they basically just do your height and weight and poke in your ears and whatnot. And guess what? Well, here's the story... She (my doctor) was talking about how my sister grew four inches in a year and how that was amazing and I said "Wull what about me? Did I grow?" my doctor laughed at me. "no, you didn't grow one bit!" she said. "whaaaa? So I'm still 5'2"?? :(" She laughs harder. "You're not five two! You're only 5 foot and three quarters of an inch! But don't worry, they sell six inch heels." What does this mean?! This means I am going to be lucky if I grow AT ALL. I'm going to be 5'3/4" for the rest of my life. Until I become old, then I will shrink. WHAT ELSE DOES THIS MEAN?! I can't wear six inch heels because I am uncoordinated! SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?!??!!? This sucks. That's what it means. I'm not even FIVE FOOT TWO. And I'll probably never be! Holy fuck! I am tired of all this "ohmigoooshhhh, look at you! You are so tiny and cute! I just wanna crush you with hugs!" NONSENSE. Could I get any more abnormal? I guess it could be worse. If I really was pregnant, that would suck much worse. But I think I'm safe because who wants to have sex with someone who isn't even five foot two?!??! Curse you, genetics. Meanwhile, my sister is shooting up like a beanstalk. My doctor says that the second child is normally taller than the first. Awesome. Bunnies and roses and rainbows

Jul 16, 2011
So i was on this website called Daily Viral or something like that. Basically, it's this website that gives you a funny or weird video that supposedly went "viral" on the web every day. And there was this one called "DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?" and I thought it looked kinda funny so I clicked on it. I WAS SO UNCOMFORTABLE. It was one of the weirdest things ever. I couldn't stop watching because I was so... Disturbed. Check it out, if you dare.

Jul 8, 2011
Soo.. I was in H&M today cause I was at the mall or whatever and I was standing in line with my friend so she could buy a shirt and by the registers they have accessory tables with jewelry and belts and things of that nature.... Anyway... So I turned around and saw this guy trying on a belt and for a split second I thought it was the lead singer from Radiohead. Why would Thom Yorke be in H&M in Washington trying on a belt? I do not know. But if that split second would have lasted any longer, I surely would have tackled him to the ground and asked him to marry me. Poor stranger probably would have had a heart attack :( Plus my friend would have been on the ground laughing her ass off. Embarrassing stuff would have gone down if my brain was a split second slower than it currently is. So yeah.. Unfortunately, he was not Thom Yorke. Fortunately, I did not mistake him for Thom Yorke any longer than I did or else I'd be completely embarrassed right now and possibly married to a stranger :) anyway, just thought I'd share that with you guys.

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