Chapter One: Different
I sat on my bed, watching the wind blow the trees gently. The sun shined bright, the clouds puffy and pure white, the sky light blue. It was beautiful, something that seemed perfect on the surface but you knew below what you saw is struggle. The animals fought for space, they raced around for safety from their predators. In many ways this was how I felt, I wore a smile on my face, I act as nothing is wrong but on the inside I am broken. Yes I'm only fourteen years old, and I know it must sound ridiculous that I am depressed, that I am a whiny brat but you can have real problems at this age. Among my problems, the top ones are being bullied and being verbally abused by your parents.
Yes I’m considered ‘different’ because I like to dye my hair dark, I like music that isn’t popular, I wear clothes that aren’t in style, and don’t suck up to the ‘popular’ girls. Yet I show up to school with a smile on my face, trying not to show weakness. I try not to appear phased by their words and actions, they feed off my misery. I don’t want to give them the satisfaction of my pain, of my suffering. I check my phone when it goes off the messages usually consist of “Kill yourself” “You’re a waste of life, of breathe” “Why even try anymore???” “How do your parents stand you” I always want to break down in tears, sometimes I do. They push me too hurt myself, to take a blade and cut my skin to release the crimson river that flows when I break the dam. It hurt at first, at first I cut shallow. After a few months I need more pain to distract myself from the sting of their words so I cut deeper, and more often. It becomes an addiction, something I have to do to make it through the day.
My parents see it, they know I do it and yet they say nothing except hurtful words. They drink more than they should and they critique my looks and actions. They make it worse; my mother gave up on me a while ago, saying I'm nothing but a disappointment. I'm fourteen, how does she know that already? I have fantastic grades, I am in advanced classes. I am the underdog in this world; I want to prove them wrong. Sometimes I consider running, running somewhere where no one knows me, where they don’t judge me. I hate the judgment that fills the air around me.
I feel that I am drowning in a sea of my shed tears, struggling to stay afloat so when help comes, I’ll be here. Sometimes I wonder if help with ever come, that maybe I should just give everything up and allow the water and waves to pull me under and end this suffering. There are other times I know I have to keep fighting because I haven’t gave help enough time to arrive and rescue me from this sea of depression. Where is my hero to pull me up, where is he because now is the time I need him.
Yet I sit here breathing, continuing living. Sometimes I wonder if I’m actually still alive, not physically but on the inside. I feel almost nothing anymore, only the pain and suffering reminds me I'm alive. I never sleep anymore, too much going through my head. I hardly eat anything only the necessary to stay alive, to walk about and continue on.
I hear my phone ring, pulling me from my thoughts the name flashing across the read Candice White, no doubt my closest and only friend. I slide to answer and pull the phone to my double pierced ear.
“Alexis Viktoria Smith why have you been avoiding my calls all day” Her smooth voice calls out; I roll my eyes in boredom. I would rather be alone than have to answer her questions, she isn't my mother. Hell she mothers me more than my own mother! My own mother doesn't give a shit so she shouldn't either!
“I'm not avoiding you I'm just- not having a good day” I say quietly, today I had been pushed into a wall, thrown on the ground and some bitch started kicking me in the side so I decided to come home three hours early because school is a pain in my ass. I always turn my stuff in on time I see no problem with skipping a period or two.
“I know, I heard. Annabel was telling everyone about beating you up but complaining about getting ugly on her shoes. She is such a whore; she really needs to get a god damn life other than making yours a living hell! One day she will get her own…” I just sigh and listen to her rant about Annabel and her group of followers. I hate them all, I loathe them. They get away with everything because they are star athletes, as long as they don't bully to many people it 's fine because its obviouly more important to win some pointless sports games.
“Yea I'm really glad it spread so fast, but I'm gonna hang up now cause Gisele is texting me” I say trying to sound fine but I know I sound utterly depressed. She hates the fact that I never sound happy anymore, so for her sake I usually attempt to sound half way contempt with my life.
“Yea ok, tell her I hate her for me. Please don’t hurt yourself Alex, it WILL get better” She always says cheesy things as such, I hate it. You don’t know what the future holds, so why say anything at all?
“Will do, I’ll text you if I'm coming to school tomorrow. I might just skip again, bye White” Calling her by her last name was how I showed her I was really done talking.
“Bye Smith” She says quietly, I hit end and sigh checking the text messages. It was stupid, we weren’t friends but when she needed someone to talk to, about real things, she called me. I tap on her contact and call her; she picks up on the first ring. I hate that I still let her come to me, after she said all those things, after she pretty much broke my heart because she was like a sister. I had tried to save our friendship so many times but I guess she didn’t want to save it, she wanted it over with.
“Alex it’s awful! They called my bag out of style! And- and then they started making fun of my family! They called me poor and- oh my god they called me an illegal! I thought they were my friends! They just sat there and picked on me like they do every SINGLE day! I'm sick of it; I miss having you as a best friend because you always were nice and always boosted my self esteem and my mood! Can you ever forgive me Alex!?!” I grit my teeth, wanting to yell at her ‘are you fucking kidding me!’ but I'm a sensible person and I let it go, I don’t want to be a bitch. She has finally gotten her own, she said horrendous things about me, now they say terrible things about her. The thing is I have zero sympathy for her anymore the way she acted towards me at school, acting to good to be around me.
“I'm really sorry about that Ele, but no we can’t be friends again because you were the one who made the choice to end our friendship, and I forgave you for that a long time ago” No I didn’t “And Just be nice to them, stand your own and if it doesn’t work well I’ll always be here” I am forcing kind words out of my mouth, basically letting them drip with false honey. Not that the shallow bitch notices, god she came be oblivious.
“Oh, okay.” Don’t sound so sad little gorilla you made the choice not me “Well bye, I guess” I guess so before I have to come find you and shove my foot up your ass for being so stupid.
“Bye Williams” I hang up, frustrated on why I continue to let her use me as a cushion. I mean I know we’re not friends so why do I still listen to her shit!?! I throw myself on my bed and tears threaten to fall from my eyes. Why do my friends always leave me, why do I let people use me so much? I look at the drawer that held the razor blade, my favorite knife and such but I shook my head. I couldn’t do it, not today after I had stopped for a whole week. It was like a fatal addiction I couldn’t will myself to stop. I needed the relief it brought but I knew I was taking it too far; I will end up in a hospital the rate I am at.
I lay here wondering why I cannot stop falling into this depression. It’s like a collapsing building, and I started on the top floor and now I'm just searching for something solid to hold on to so I don’t fall into the burning ashes at the bottom, but nothing presents its self so I continue to fall closer to the debris of my crumbling life.