People ask me if I feel okay. What am I supposed to answer? I always tell them I'm fine because it's the polite think to do. How would you react if someone answered you by saying they feel horrible. Absolutely fucking horrible. On the off chance I decide to say I'm not doing so well I immediately see a second of shock and regret flashing through the eyes of the person standing infront of me. "What do I say now?" I hear them thinking.
"Oh. Ehm. Why? What happend?"
Good one. I hear your sincerity. Jackass. At this point I just answer by telling mr. or mrs. jackass it's no biggy, it'll pass, and then I see that shock and regret passing into relief. The truth is that the feeling of 'absolutely fucking horrible' never passes, and I believe it never will. No, I'm not cynical and I'm not a pessimist. Well, maybe a little bit of the latter. My point is that I'm not overreacting. I have felt this way for a little more than a decade, and that's a long time considering the fact I'm only twenty years old.
I had a breakdown last week, about nothing. My feelings and thoughts got so out of control that I started to think about taking my life. It's not so much that I want to die, I just want the pain and discomfort to go away. Honestly sometimes I really feel like swallowing a whole bottle of pills, any pills! But then again I don't believe that the five ibuprofen I have laying in my bathroom would do the trick. Even if I'd throw in a strip of THE pill, nothing would happen. I'd most probably just get overly hormonal, start growing a shitload of pubic and facial hair and cry about the colour of my curtains.
You wanna know why I feel this shitty? Absolutely fucking horrible? You'll hate me when you do, because the only thing you'll be thinking is that I'm a poor little rich girl. And if not, I'll probably hate you for pittying me. Three months ago my father passed away. He was my rock, my confidant. He was also the CEO of Rivers Enterprises. Now, that sounds a lot cooler than it actually is. My father's company builds and repairs airplanes. Rivers Enterprises is a relatively small company, but it's still going strong. My father was loved by many people, and was a kind but strict man. Now I know that every day millions of people lose their loved ones, and I'm not saying my pain is worse than theirs. But it's still there.
For as long as I remember I have always felt alone. Even in the busiest crowds, or when I'm with my best friends. I feel like I'm the only person in the room. Now more than ever do I feel this way. My friends have pretty much forgotten about my father, and I don't blaim them. I don't sit in my room crying. I don't refuse to leave the house or get dressed. It's like I'm blank. Well, if there's one thing losing my father has taught me, it's that you have to live life to the fullest. Last januari I made a small bucket list and I want to complete as many tasks as possible.
- Go to bed with a total stranger (has to be drop-dead gorgeous)
- Visit a country I have'nt before (preferably Australia or Japan)
- Speak to my mother
- Do something completely reckless and amazing
- Save a life
- Get a tattoo
- Get over fear of needles (read #6)
- Throw a kick-ass party