Yesterday was when I caught Matt cheating on me. There. It's out in the open-my seemingly perfect boyfriend was cheating on me with the school slut. And you know where? In the freaking janitor's closet. We hadn't gone past second base-and he was humping her brains out in a place with smelly mops. I curled into a smaller ball which wasn't even possible anymore. My sheets were piled on top of me and I was pressing a pillow against my aching tummy; I hadn't eaten since the morning and it was already late afternoon. I consentrated on my breathing, heart beat, thoughts-anything except Matt. He hadn't said anything. Just stood there, dumbfounded, like the stupid asshole he was.
Why was I still in love with a stupid asshole?
"Valerie?" my mothers soft voice said from behind the door. "Honey, you need to come out. Turn the music down, too!"
Three Days Grace was belting out from the speakers. I was sitting, leaning on the door. It made me think I was close to the outside but still protected from the world. The world that seemed for great but was really a huge lie. I couldn't respond to her-Mom was too nice. So was Dad. They only wanted the best for me, cared too much for me, and if they saw the state I was in, they would become depressed like me.
She sighed. "Well, I'm leaving dinner out here." There was a pause. "I-If this is about a boy, sweety, you can talk to me. I've dealt with heart break, too."
No you have , I thought. You were too prudent as a teen to be going through what I'm going through now. Your boyfriends were too good to do this.
You know all this stories about the heart broken girl? The one that just becomes a total wreck because her boyfriend dumped her? Or cheated? Well, I never thought I would be that weak. I never, ever thought I would be this hurt or care about a guy this much. I mean, the whole "depressed" stage wasn't me-I was the happy girl, the girly girl. And all because of damn Matt, the stupid, stupid, STUPID JACK ASS I was feeling like this. I just wanted to-to scream!
I stood up in a huff and stood in front of my mirror. Pictures of us on dates were tacked up. There were even more on the cork board. In an angry movement, I began tearing down all the "cute" pictures. His smile was a lie. It was fake. It was ungrateful. It wasn't a smile. It was a smirk. He just wanted some ass when I refused to do it with him a month ago, he went to Tracy to satisfy himself. I kept scrapping the pictures off, throwing them in the trash, and then went to the cork board. I was slashing, blinded by fury, when a tack nicked my finger. I continued, though, letting the pain be a release for me, and by the time I was done, my fingers were bleeding terribly.
"Oh my God," I whispered, wondering what I was doing and collapsed on the wood floor.
I was a tiny, insufferable being. A thing. My hair was messy and oily; I hadn't changed since yesterday; eyes were bloodshot. I laid there, sobbing. I knew that under all my anger I was still weak. Still sad. Still suffering and depressed. The blood seeping out of my fingers was the last thing I saw before my anemic self passed out.
There was a beeping noise and antiseptic smell. When I opened my brown eyes, it was blurry. I still saw all of my friends sitting there, chatting silently: Jace, Kevin, Natalia, Xiana, and Lisa. Ballons were besides my bed; they made me nervous. But the hospital made me feel good. Confined. Peaceful-constant. Almost paralyzed.
"Valerie?" Jace suddenly asked.
"Hey," I weakly said. When I tried to wave, my arm stung because an IV was stuck in. "Do you guys know what happened?"
"The doctor said you lost a lot of blood for being anemic," Kevin explained, offering a smile.
Natalia smiled. "Do you feel better?"
"Oh my God," Xiana huffed. "If this is about some boyfriend drama, I am going to kick Matt's ass."
I laughed, but it ended with a strangled choke. "Can I come with?"
Lisa gasped. "No! Did you guys break up?"
I shook my head sadl and couldn't controll the tears that fell. "N-No. M-Matt cheated on me!"
Immediatley, all the girls came to hug me, muttering about the ways they'd kill me. Kevin and Jace had murder in their eyes.
"Hell no," Kevin growled.
"Guys, stay here," Jace instructed. "We'll be back tomorrow."
"Are you going to beat him up?" Xiana asked.
They smirked. "Something like that," Jace menacingly said before leaving with Kev.
Natalia turned to me. "You are going to explain what happened, understand?"
I nodded, knowing it had to come out. "It was after the football game last night. The school was open and we were, um, making out in the art room. There were two knocks and Matt said he'd be back soon. So, after half an hour, I went looking for him. There were these noises upstairs and I followed them until I reached the janitor's closet." I paused and began sobbing.
Xiana pet my hand. "It's okay, Val. You don't have to continue."
Lisa's eyes were slanted in hatred.
"N-No," I choked out, calming myself. "I need to say it. So, like, I heard these...noises, if you get what I mean. And when I opened the door I saw that asshole with-with the school slut, Tracy!" It was weird. Because as they began saying all the things a friend should say when their friend says their boyfriend cheated on them, realization sank in. Matt cheated on me with a skank. Was I not good enough for him? Was a lower than Tracy? Maybe I should've let him go all the way with me...
In an attempt to be alone, I said, "I-I have to figure some things out guys. I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Oh," Lisa said, a bit surprised.
Xiana and Natalia looked stung.
"I appreciate you guys coming," I grinned, wiping away a tear. "But, if I don't figure out what's going on with me, I don't think I'll be able to do much."
"Well, if that's what you want," Natalia shrugged.
"Well, talk to you tomorrow!" Xiana waved as they left.
Just then, the doctor came in for my release. After changing, my parents greeted me.
"Are you okay, Val?" Dad asked, putting an arm around me in the parking lot.
I was a daddy's girl, to be honest. Well, I was. I don't think I am anymore, I thought. "Yeah," I said, but it was strained.
"The doctor said that something had punctures your wrists," mom quietly said. "And when I saw those tacks and pictures on the floor..."
I have never been in a quieter car ride.
Looking over at your old texts is weird. But I was doing it. Reading, rereadin,rerereading the texts me and Matt had. He was gorgeous-six foot, dark brown hair, blue eyes, and a lean, ripped body. It just sucked he couldn't be faithful. I wanted him so much. I realized that he occupied me, made me happy. It didn't feel right to admit a guy was your happiness; he was mine, though. My happiness.
Have you ever had a dreamless sleep? Because I haven't. I thought it's terrible. But...the silence, the loneliness, and especially the rawness was what I needed.