When you feel that strange feeling of moving on, and you really think things are doing just fine right before the horror of what could have been hits you. But then the past hits you and you can't stand on your feet. You could be just looking at the latest things that your friends are doing. You know Facebook, or just talking with your friend. And then out of know where you see something you didn't want to. Something you knew would happen, one day or another, but when it does, you know, come, you can't believe it. (Are you confused yet, give me a moment to explain)
Crying seems stupid, it was nothing serious, and nothing reasonable to get emotion over, (that would really mess up my rep, as the Tom Boy-ish girl) just a close friend that I had thought felt the same way I did. It was really a crush. I just a short spark kind of feeling…actually it happen in several occasions, so yeah, I thought he was into me too. That friends now being with a female I was also good friends with, (Not being with, just he's hanging out with her a lot, and I've always seen them give each other the googly eyes things couples do all the time, he was really crazy about her, I could tell before they started hanging out, so I took that as a hint to back the hell away.) I was even in contact with her, had hung out with her…I had a feeling that they might have a "Thing" for each other. What the hell am I saying, I could read on their faces, they were in denial and in love…well not in love, maybe lust. But there's no need to worry about it, I was in a place where I shouldn't be thinking about them, I had other things to freak out about.
Like I don't know, having some guy, that guy being Oliver, whom thinks I'm his girlfriend, well yeah that should be on the top list….
The miss communication level was so high between us, I wasn't sure what I was saying half the time, or if he was even reading the signs, because I was trying to make it obvious. I should have known that he wouldn't get it, with him never having a girlfriend before. It makes complete since! How stupid and rude I feel now, but it would be rude if I just let him think I have these fake feeling, right?
He had told me one day that he liked me, but it wasn't just the simple, "I like you" kind of thing, it took him three days to finally tell me…I already knew he liked me, not only was he showing it all over his face but my best friend Carmine told me. (She had gone out with him for 48 hours, till she figured out he was crazy about me, she said it was way to odd to talk about her best friend with her boyfriend, "I can't take it," she had said) now that was over things still were awkward between us two. Which kind sucked, because I kinda thought he would be cool to date for the first time, but I was wrong….oh how wrong I was….
I was thinking this as I walk up the steps to the library, we had planned on meeting up there two nights ago. Why the library you may ask? Well it was his choice for one, and I felt the park was way to public to break it to him. It seemed distractive with little kids jumping and screaming around for food and fun.
"Sonny," I hear a voice behind me. I spin around to come nose to nose with Olive, well not really nose to nose, he was nearly six five, while I was only five six. He was wearing a gray T-shirt with some plain dark jeans. I look at his side and spot a guitar.
"You brought a guitar," I glance back at his face.
He nods his head awkwardly. One thing I did like about him was that he was awkward, but it took me awhile that he wasn't the secretly attractive nerdy kind of way that most people would think seemed cool, but the I-hate-school-but-I'm-super-smart-and-you-should-be-told-this-every-second-we-hold-a-conversation-it-should-be-about-that-and/or-me!-, and-bad-at-socializing-and….well the list goes on for a long time, I just prefer to stop there. Everyone has their flaws, and I'm sure not the person to say his out loud. I have many flaws…but enough about that.
"Maybe after we brose for a book….we could," he pauses to try and find the right words, "compose a song, you said you could create lyrics, right?"
"Yup," I say slowly, making sure to keep the distance a good and friends zone limit, which wasn't difficult.
"Good. Good," he steps back. "Shall we go?"
"Yeah," I step aside, "you first."
He snickers, "You such a gentleman," he mutters.
"Well, I wasn't raise by wolves," I say in a sarcastic voice.
"Did you know wolves are related to chickens?"
"Really?" I was confused.
He chuckles, "You're so gullible," he grins, "I was only being sarcastic." Why the hell was I with this guy!? Did I really think he was sweet at any point in these past weeks? Yes, I tell myself. And how did that happen??? And the answer to that was unanswerable…yup I had no clue how or when those feeling started up.
"You sound too serious to be sarcastic; you suppose to have an obvious way of saying things, to make people know you're just kidding."
"Whatever," he sighs, "sigh."
"Why'd you say 'sigh'?"
"Excuse me sure," says the security dude.
"Huh?" Oliver looks over at him with his bug like yes from behind his large Buddy Holly glasses. For some reason I've always had a thing for those glasses, they just looked, cool. They fit his personality, it made me want to snatch them right off of his face and plant a kiss on the lenses, no him, of course, that just sounds random and weird…duh. Maybe I was crazy for the glasses, maybe that was what got me into him? Like for some guys it's their hair…but that wasn't for Oliver, I think when I look at his short hair, it would have liked it a little bit more if he didn't have dandruff, how fucking gross that was…I would like to run my hands threw his scalp, but no, the dandruff stopped me from that…Ugh, I swear it was beyond the worst turn off, it wasn't for that it might have been his B.O, it smelled of perspiration, musky dog smell, and the swell smell of tobacco (not). The last smell I could get use to, I've been around smokers my whole life, and I could tell the smell wasn't that strong, so I was guessing it was from his parents or siblings, he had said he had a 34 year old sister.
"You can't have a guitar in there, no music devises."
"But this isn't an iPod of some sort, it's just my gui-"
"I know what it is," he snaps. I sneak a look at his name tag, it read: Frank Hamilton. He had a peppered mustache that matched his hair that was the length you would see on a guy playing the "Next Door Neighbor" on some sitcom, or something like that. "The rules state you can't do that," he steps forward, "I'm sorry but I'm afraid you have to leave."
"I won't play it."
"I'm sorry but the rules-"
"Blah, you told me," he sighs, "do you know where I came from?"
"What does that have to do with any of this?" he raises an eyebrow.
"Watts, I came from Watts," he answers, "and you know why?"
"Why?" the man says with clench teeth. It was clear that he was ticked off.
"So I could simply check out a book from the fasilty your guarding oh so dearly," he points at the two story build… "I'm not going to play any music."
"How do I know if you won't start playing the second you step in."
His face scrunches up, "That just sounds stupid," he laughs, "if I wanted to play I would do so at some corner you're not near. That would be the smart-"
"Do you want to check a book out or not," he was done with him.
"Yes," he chippers, "thank you," he says as walks past him. "Sonny," he steps aside.
"What I got -- full stock of thoughts and dreams that scatter," he sings in a voice that was beyond painful to hear.
"What are you doing?!"
He hums uncontrollably the lyrics he can't think of "Twist and shout my way out," he spins around me in circles. I didn't fear for him to trip into me, but the walls, he seemed like a clumsy guy, "and wrap yourself around me," he speaks this line.
I look up and miss his gaze. He glances over at a sign on the wall. "Hey, they have a café here, we could get something later…what do you think?"
"Sure," I shrug.
"Cool," and he leads to way to the books.
"Where are we going exactly?"
"Um," he rubs his free hand on his cheek, which is not filled with pimps or random scars, "where would I find classic books?"
"What book are we talking about?"
He murmurs, "Flipped." He was talking about the book about first love, from childhood to adulthood, I think. I had flipped through the books once because it was forced upon me. I had only managed to read the guys point of view, it seemed more interesting, but in the end I just made it look like I was reading the book, when we had to read at reading time.
"I read that book," I try to think we're it would be, then it hit me, follow me.
"Flipped?" She tips on her computer, "Oh that just got checked out."
"Oh," he says in disappoint mean. "Do you want to eat now?"
"Um," I look around, "Can we talk instead?"
His eyes widen, "Okay." We walk down stairs to where there was nearly no one that could hear our conversation. "What did you want to tell me?" He asks. "Are you bored? You're bored aren't you, I should have known," he hung his head. "Libraries aren't cool," he sighs.
"No," I reach out and touch his arm, something I regret. The second I do that he lightens up, lifts his head and looks me in the eye, but not until he get red and has to look away.
"Then what is it my-" Say it, say it, Sonny! You have to!!!
"It's not the best time to have a boyfriend," I had shut my eyes, so I open them to see his face in a puzzled face.
"What?!" He crocked.
"Were really different," I say. "I don't think it would work if I just jump into this not prepared, not really sure of what I feel."
"Are you just feeding me break up lines? Is 'its me not you' in there?"
"No," I made a mental note to never us it in the future.
"But we could work Sonnyz," he had a nick name for me? What were we a group of friend? Crew? Gross! Sonnyz was as bad as him calling me Sonster!
"I love you," he whispers in a creepy voice.
"What?!" I step away.
"You know you can feel the electricity, can't you?" his eyes were filled with longing and pleading.
"Oliver, I know nothing about you, I can't love-" he slams his face into mine and it wasn't the kind of kiss anyone would want, from anyone. It was wrong in every aspect. For one he was bad at it, I could feel his teeth as he tried to press me closer to him. For two, his hands were lamely on my elbows, and they started to move to my waist, but I quickly pull away before that got any further.
His eyes were still shut, his lips still puckered, and his face was in a daze, "Didn't you feel it?"
I wasn't sure why but the motion to smack him had racked in my head but I thought was not enough. So I decided kneeing him was the next best thing.
"Did you fuck feel that?" I screech. "Bitch," I hated having my personal space being invaded, I thought he would be nice enough to not get in my face about it but it seems like I was wrong about that.
I wipe my mouth as I step out of the door way. I look over to the cop, Hamilton, and I swear he was steps from giving a high five.
I stand at my bus stop and the rush of adrenaline was leaking out and all I could do was feel guilty for kneeing him in the balls.
"Shit," I hiss.
I'm still writing it, so please tell me what you think about it...Thanks!