what does it mean to be conceited?
maybe it means that you spend so much time thinking about yourself, that you don't spare a moment to think about anyone else...
when someone is conceited, or has a superego, they are generally more self conscious that they appear to be.
but i digress let me begin my essay.
there is this kid right, he sits behind me in my history and math class.
for a while he has been describing to me the way he feels about a girl in our history class.
the irony behind him telling me about how much he likes her,
is that we share those feelings for her.
how do you describe a situation in which you have an advantage, but because of your lack of courage,
or just abundance of being a god damned pussy, you do absolutely nothing beneficial to your cause?
well whether i describe it or not, here is what happened.
on a day not too long ago the kid tells me that he wants to ask her out but can't do it.
i almost couldn't keep my rotten grin from eating away at my cheeks
but i could see that it was starting to annoy him, so i stopped, almost fearing that he might realize that i am in the same predicament
so he asks me to give the girl a note, he literally says , "hey dude what if you pretended to ask her out, just to see if she'd say yes"
i thought, this was the best situation i could ever have been placed in.
the girl sat two seats ahead and to the left from me, but i could still reach her.
on one hand i could honestly ask her out, while on the other it could be just as it seems, i was helping another boy out at the expense of her emotions.
i didn't know if i could do that to her, in fact i had already made up my mind that i would be honest about it and hope that she would say yes.
that morning in history class i sat down and he handed me the note which he had so readily prepared for me to give her
This was the moment that i needed, the moment i had waited for.
but i began to doubt myself.
to boost my moral i reminded myself that if it didn't go through i could always fall back on
just helping out a friend without any intention of actually dating.
realizing how pitiful it sounded i began to remind myself of how i felt about this girl.
how she could haunt my mind for weeks without rest
how my dreams were filled with us together
again as i was about to ask her, i began to feel the swell of fear clog my throat
i was afraid, i felt like i was in the middle of a field of strangers.
there was no one around to help me.
surprisingly realizing that i was alone in this, a feral strength woke inside of me and out of no where
covering my choke with a cough i leaned forward and tapped her on the shoulder
when she turned around i was suddenly worried about my breath
could she smell it from there?
"hey" she said surprised
"hey" i said
"whats up?" she asked
"history class" i said cynically
"haha, i know..." she said
the teacher was sitting at his desk putting in grades
"hey by the way, what's your grade in this class?" i asked
"probably like a ninety four, how about you?"
"haha dang" i said, "i have like a sixty"
"are you serious?!" she asked, much more surprised than i expected
at this the guy poked me in the back with his pencil to remind me of my goal.
it was true though, she was able to make me forget anything i had on my mind by just me looking at her,
talking to her, i didnt stand a chance.
my head went blank...
"oh uh there was actually something hes been meaning to ask you," my friend jumped in.
"oh? what is it?" she asked
i couldnt even comprehend what had just happend.
Why did he butt in?
i couldn't understand
then without rationalizing,
it really sort of just spilled out
i wasnt thinking about the people around us, or the teacher who was walking towards us,
nor was i thinking about the guy sitting behind me
"do you want to go out with me?" i .... asked!?
what did i do?
how insecure, how shaky, how emasculating.
what was wrong with me.
there was absolute silence,
i was too afraid to look around me, at the class ,who must've been staring at the spectacle i put on for them.
she just stared at me, with those deep blue eyes.
slowly i could feel the ice inside them pierce me and finally i couldn't keep my stare.
what was i supposed to do, was it my job to make the situation better?
even if it was, i had no idea what i had to do.
i laughed a little and trying to turn it into a joke i said, "well don't be so quick to respond"
the boy behind me made a stiff chuckle.
she looked at me, then looked at the boy, then slowly she said,
"im sorry, but i already like someone."
so this is what a knife feels like i thought
then without even a seconds hesitation the guy says
"wait! he was just helping me, you see, I'm the one who really likes you but i asked him to ask you first because i was too afraid to."
turning around completely she just looked at him.
i was sitting there trying to preserve what little pride i had remaining by making a face that could go along with what he was saying.
but my heart was aching, and my mouth was jammed shut
she gazed at him for so long,
i could feel the burning jealousy inside of me simultaneously grabbing him and embracing her.
i didn't even realize that the rest of the class was in the room.
nothing else mattered to me.
then she told him,
"lets hang out this weekend"
and she gave him her phone number
it was a done deal, they were together in the eyes of the students and the teacher
and i was alone.
had i honestly been trying to help him from the beginning, my pride would have been only slightly wounded.
and in the eyes of every one else that was the way it had been.
but for me no one's opinion mattered other than her's.