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Not Everything Is Fair

Essay By: stephaniericci
Young adult


this is the story of my first love.


Submitted:Jan 5, 2014    Reads: 28    Comments: 0    Likes: 1   


Not Everything In Life Is Fair

The story of love is one that comes with many lessons, some for the better, and definitely some for the worse. I learned a mixture of both. Looking at my story with a glass half full mentality made it a lot easier to put a positive twist on every lesson learned. So that's what I did, I tried to look for the best of the situation.

Let's start from the beginning when this messed up love story all began. It all started back in the day when you met people on facebook. It was the summer before freshman year and I had been hanging out with this girl Alexa. She plays on my Bayside premier soccer team so we spend a lot of time together. She met a friend at school who she thought would be a perfect match for me. She said he was tall and blonde with blue eyes and had a great personality. She compared his personality to mine, saying that we were so compatible and defiantly soul mates. She gave me his name and I friended him on facebook. I started a message by saying how I knew Alexa and that she wanted me to talk to him. He was very inviting and open to this new conversation. We hit it off right away, always joking and laughing. We would stay up late at night just to talk to each other. I had my first highschool crush. We finally decided we wanted to hang out and agreed on a double date at the beach. His best friend at the time Aj was actually someone I knew very well. Aj and I had spent Christmas Eve together since we were babies. Thankfully that made things a little less awkward. I took my friend Jenna because she thought Aj was super cute. It was the perfect set up. Jenna and I went to the beach earlier in the day and the boys were going to meet us there later on. We were so excited. Our first high school dates! When the guys showed up it was almost 6:00 and the sun began to set. We all sat together watching the sunset over the water, smiles from ear to ear, laughing over stupid things, and enjoying the night.

My date and I hit it off right away. We had both been waiting to meet each other in person for weeks and now it was finally here. We watched the sunset and then walked the beach holding hands under the moonlight followed by water fights with playful splashes and mini games of tag. Later on Jenna and Aj went on a walk down the beach, so there I was with this tall beautiful boy, who I wanted to kiss so badly. The entire night I felt like I was in a movie, everything was so perfect, especially him.

Fast forward through three years of on and off and back on and back off. Three years of heartbreaks and makeup's and memories I will never forget. Three years of lessons, every one as important as the other. It was three years of learning. We learned everything about one another. From the simple things like our favorite sport and how many pets we had, to the little things like how we eat out popcorn or ice cream. We shared a lot of firsts together too, but the most important thing was that we were always there for one another. We were best friends who fell in love, I couldn't have asked for anything more, I was happy. The first time he told me he loved me I was at a loss for words. The feelings and thoughts I had are ones that can never be relived. The first time he broke my heart I hated him. I couldn't have imagined talking to him ever again, but I still do. We had our ups and downs. The downs were the hardest part, which is expected. Then there would be nights that wed fall asleep on Skype and wake up lying next to each other and laughing at our cute morning hair. There were also times he left me crying in my room for days and then there would be dates with cute exchanges of teddy bears. There were funny pictures taken, but most of all, there were memories made. They are memories I wouldn't trade for anything else. We had our good times, when we were together, and our bad times, when we weren't. Regardless of our relationship status, we never broke a promise to one another. Never.

I made a promise, and I intended to keep it. I promised him I would go to the first game of his last high school season, so I did. Regardless of the fact that we weren't talking and that he had just recently broken up with me, I went. It was Friday the 6th of September. I got out of school and went to soccer practice. I was talking to one of my teammates telling her about my plan of going to his game. Miranda asked if I needed someone to go with me and I kindly accepted. After practice I sped home to get ready, I had to look perfect, everything had to be perfect. This was my chance to tell him how much I really do love him and tell him that I am the right girl for him, this was my chance to make him mine again. Miranda came over around 4:30 and we spent hours getting ready. I can't even count how many times I changed my outfit. The struggle of looking cute or being warm, and as every girl knows, there was no perfect solution. Just as any girl would, I chose to look cute, I needed to impress him right? A few sprays of my vanilla lace perfume I always wear, cute warm winter boots, jeans, a sweater and a scarf to match and I was ready. We got in the car, hearts pounding with excitement, music blasting, windows down, and we drove; off to the game. It was finally time for me to win. By the end of the tonight everything would be perfect again. I talked Miranda's ear off the entire ride of how nervous I was and yet how excited too. The car ride felt like it was going on forever. I began to think we were never going to get there.

I was talking and singing the whole ride and having fun, but in the back of my mind all I could do was play the scene over and over again in my head. The scene of me finally getting the guy, finally being happy again. He would walk off the field, exhausted from playing such a great game, dripping sweat but who cares? He'd still be perfect in my eyes. He'd walk that stupid walk he always does, a very slow pace but with long strides, head down out of exhaustion, and that's when it would happen. He'd look up and I'd be standing there waiting for him. He get that cute little smirk on his face and put his head back down and shake it back and forth once or twice in dismay. He'd continue his walk toward my geeky smiling face, still head down but a smile from ear to ear. He wouldn't pick up his head until he was standing right in front of me, right in my reach. So close that I could smell his cologne that he had on from the morning. So close that I could see each individual bead of sweat resting on his perfect complexion. I could see the outline of his body through his white jersey. So close that I couldn't resist anymore. I'd wrap my arms around him and hold tight, never wanting to let go. He'd return the favor and wrap his arms tightly around me, my head resting against his chest. Keeping my hands locked together behind his back, I'd look up into his beautiful blue grey eyes and smile. He'd return the smile, and then very slowly and very gently lean down for what would be the most perfect kiss. Short and sweet, yet still setting off fireworks. I'd have a butterfly frenzy happening in my stomach all from such a simple kiss, but one I had been waiting for; one I had been longing for; one that would make everything the way it should be.

We finally arrive at LaSalle. Thank God that I don't have to think about him anymore. I can just sit and watch the game, focus on the soccer not the boy right?. Wrong. He's all I can think about, all I want to think about. Poor Miranda sitting next to me, some naive girl who's in love with a boy who does nothing but hurt her, nothing but break her heart time and time again. I wonder if she's embarrassed by my stupidity. I stop that train of thought before it goes off the tracks and try to watch the game. I try to distract myself by telling Miranda who the players are. Then we talk about every aspect of the game. "Did you just see that cross?!" "No but did you see that play, such a nice tackle". Simple soccer talk you know? I try to keep myself engaged in the conversation, when really I just can't stop watching him. Six foot three and playing up top, he's perfect. He tackled every chance he could; he made great slashing runs and had such good technical work. He was embarrassing kids left and right, flicking the ball over their head and making them look silly. He was so fast, so strong, and soon, he'd be mine.

The final buzzer, the noise I have been waiting for this whole game, the noise I started to think would never come, finally rang, loud and proud. It was time. Time to put my plan into action and win this boy over. It was finally time for my daydreams to come true, finally time to live them. The stands started to clear as people headed to their cars, but I waited. I had to see him. Time felt like it couldn't move fast enough. Every minute felt like an eternity. The boys finally began to walk off the field. Of course, he was one of the last ones. So I said hi to all the guys who walked by and told them how well they played. Somehow, he escaped my view. I lost him. No need to panic though, he probably was walking towards his car. I kept it cool and started walking to mine, hoping that I would "accidently" bump into him. Miranda and I walked slowly up the sidewalk headed to my car. Right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot. Every step one step closer to my happily ever after. Miranda and I kept talking and laughing and making it seem like we were just two girls casually walking to our car, when in reality I felt like I was going to puke because I was so excited. We reach the first parking lot and I see him. My heart skipped a beat at the sight. It felt like forever since I had last seen him. The excitement I felt was becoming too much to handle. I wanted to run over there and jump into his arms. I wanted to hold him and kiss him and never let him go. He was so close. There he was, across the lot standing and laughing with all the guys. His dorky laugh and her perfect smile gave me such warm feelings inside, he was so happy. Then I realized that he was happy, without me. I began to second guess why I even went. I didn't want to go over there. What if he didn't even want me to go to the game? What if it really was all over? Should I go say hi? Should I just leave and text him? So many questions running though my head with no definitive answer to any of them. I consulted Miranda on my thoughts and we both agreed that I should just go home and text him later. Such a hard decision to make because all I wanted was to see him. I wanted to see him standing right in front of me. I wanted my dreams to come true. I wanted him to be mine. But I couldn't go bother him while he's with all his teammates having a good time, I didn't want to ruin anything. So we kept on walking. As we walked past we talked and laughed a little bit louder in hopes that maybe he'd recognize my voice and look over. That didn't happen. My heart sank more and more as I continued walking, knowing I was walking away from my last chance. It felt like forever before we finally reached my car. I hurried to unlock it and hop inside to warm up. I put the key in the ignition and turned the car on.

We sit in our spot letting the car warm up before we leave. Really, that was just an excuse so I could sit in my car and watch him. I watched as he threw his head back in laughter, as he said good game to every one of his teammates, and as he seemed so happy. I had a smile on my face I couldn't shake. To see him happy and smiling is all I ever wanted. Whether I am in his life or not, I just want him to be happy. I continually looked over my shoulder to see if I could back out of my spot, but there was a constant line of cars that just kept pulling out one after another after another. But I didn't really mind, it was yet another excuse to stay and see him. The group starts to clear and he's still standing there. It's just him in the parking lot now; him and a girl. I looked to see if I recognized her, hoping it was just one of his friends, praying it was just one of his friends. It wasn't. There she was, brown hair like mine, short probably only 5'2" like me. She was dressed all cute in her colored jeans and combat boots. She laughed at everything he said and touched him every time he talked. Miranda looked at me with worried eyes as she started getting nervous. I wanted to back out of my spot so bad. I just wanted to leave. I didn't want to see him with another girl, I couldn't see him with another girl. I started to feel the lump in my throat form, and the tears well up behind my eyes. I kept telling Miranda not to worry. Nothing had happened yet. Its okay I kept saying. They're probably just friends, nothing is going to happen. I think I did all that talking to reassure myself not her. I mean why was I even so worried, they were just standing there.

I felt like my life was in slow motion. I just wanted him to say goodbye to her already and come find me. I wanted him to look for me. Instead he stayed with her. He stood next to her and they laughed and joked. She started to show him her headlight, as if something was wrong with it. Come-on sweetie, he won't be able to do anything, stop trying so hard. The lump continued to grow. There was a pit in my stomach the size of a grapefruit. I had this unforgettable feeling encumber my entire being. Something was going to happen I just knew it. They finally stand back up after looking at that stupid light for what seemed like an hour. He said a few more things and then hugged her. I wanted to scream. That was supposed to be me. They let go and separated slightly. I took a deep breath reassuring myself that everything was okay, It was only a hug. Then I made the mistake of waiting. I should have left right then and there. Instead I sat to watch the boy I am so in love with kiss another girl. I watched him live my happily ever after with her. He walked her around the car to her door, opened it for her, and then wrapped his arm around her. He leaned down for the most simple and most perfect kiss. My heart sank. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. He finally started to walk away and I didn't know what to do. Part of me wanted to get out of my car and just start yelling at him. Scream at him. Ask him why? Ask him how he could do that to me? I wanted to tell him how much I hate him, how I never wanted to see him again. The other part of me wanted to just cry, just curl up in a ball and cry. Cry until there were no tears left; cry until every ounce of pain I felt was gone; until every thought of him was gone. Somehow I managed not to do either. I simply backed out of my spot and began to leave.

As if my night wasn't bad enough, guess who had to walk out in front of my car to cross the street. He didn't even look at me. Three years of my life I loved him and he couldn't even look at me. My broken heart shattered. Every ounce of energy in my body was drained. Every emotion exhausted. All I could feel was numb. Looking back at it, I should have run him over. Even that wouldn't have caused him as much pain as he has caused me. Three years of heartbreaks. Three years of disappointment. Why haven't I learned? Why am I so foolish and naive? And most of all, why aren't I good enough?

I drove Miranda home, not a tear shed. We drove in silence because there was nothing left to say. Before she got out of the car, I apologized for making her see all this and told her not to feel sorry for me, that was the last thing I wanted. As soon as she shut the door the tears fell. They fell and couldn't be stopped. One by one they rolled down my cheeks. The roads I drove on became blurred. My makeup streamed down my face. I banged the steering wheel in pain and screamed in frustration. I cried of a broken heart and sobbed in disappointment. When I finally got home I stayed in my car sitting in the loneliness. Letting every tear of pain fall. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I couldn't be strong. I was so stupid. How could I let this happen? How could I watch the boy I'm in love with kiss another girl. No one should have to see that. No one. My body cringed with pain. I gasped for air from crying so hard. I hated him. Every inch of me hated him. I hated everything about him. I never wanted to see him again. I never wanted to talk to him again. But there was something I did want. I wanted him to know how much I hurt. I wanted him to know what he did to me. So I texted him. A simple text saying "You played great". He quickly responded with a question, "You were there?". I then said "I made a promise didn't I". He replied with "yes you did". He had to know. So I wrote "I got a little more than I bargained for, I saw you kiss her". To which he had no response. He knew.

And now I knew. I knew that I deserve better. I deserve a guy who is going to treat me right. A guy who is going to respect me, and actually love me. A guy who will only say the words "I Love You" if he plans to back them up. Not some guy who broke my heart more times than I can count. Not some guy who makes stupid decisions all the time, and definitely not the guy who is going to live out my happily ever after with another girl. I need a guy who will love me as much as I love him, and maybe I'm too young for that; maybe my expectations are too high, and that's fine, but I still deserve better. I spent three years in love with a guy who never really loved me back. A guy who put himself and his happiness before mine. A guy who saw me as an object, not a person. Every person deserves to be treated as a person, and every person deserves love. I need to look in better places, because not everyone is what they seem, and not everyone will be truthful with you. People will lie to get what they want, and they will say things they don't mean, and unfortunately, that's just a part of life. People always told me he wasn't right for me, but I believe that there was a good person in there. I believe that they should let me make my own decisions. But I learned that sometimes, other people know what's best for you. I learned many things from this three year relationship. And I plan on using all of them the rest of my life. I don't want anyone to have to go through what I did. No one should love someone who doesn't love them back. It's not fair. But the reality of it is... life isn't fair.





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