Chapter One: Just Daniel

My black heart feels like it’s going to break out of my chest. Somehow my rib cage is keeping its insane hammering in check. I’m practically holding my breath as I slide through the cramped halls, tasting the now-familiar metallic citrus tang along the sides of my mouth.

Just two more minutes, I promise myself.

I’ve been putting up with this for six months now and it hasn’t gotten any easier. At least I’m not puking randomly anymore. I can feel my cheeks warm at the memories of leaping out of my classroom and rushing for the nearest restroom only to dry-heave painfully for too long. My stomach does an empty flip as if to threaten it could do it again if it really wanted to. I grit my teeth and try to focus on walking.

Almost there. Just another minute.

I hate class changes, and am grateful beyond measure that this is the last one I’ll ever have to suffer through again. So many bodies packed so close together. A little blonde girl blushes, joking with her boyfriend, holding his hand. I tear my eyes away from the pink of her face and keep moving.

Almost there. Almost there. Almost there.

The faintest whiff of iron catches my attention. Damn. Someone somewhere has an open cut. I know I could find them. But I don’t want to. I try to stop my brain from tracking the scent down to its origin and just focus on moving one foot forward at a time. My throat burns dry and my stomach ties itself in a tight knot, but they’re going to have to deal with it. I’ve made my choice, and I’m not going back on that. I’m going to keep my morals, no matter what hand life has dealt me.

Finally! I rush to my seat in the back of the classroom and immediately duck my nose inside the collar of my shirt, hoping to muffle the scents of the other people in the room even just a little. I have to breathe. I can’t keep holding my breathe anymore, but I breathe shallowly, little by little, willing myself not to pay attention to what my nose is trying to tell me.

The citrus metal acid in my mouth increases and stings on my tongue in response to the more intense smell of iron. Damn. Whoever cut themselves is in the room. I pull my pen out of my pocket and try to focus on the grainy pattern on my desk, my nose and mouth still covered by my shirt. Only one more test. Two hours. I just have to focus for two hours.

“Mr. Stein?” Tessa’s voice stands out against the blur of conversations in the room. “Do you have a band-aid?”

Damndamndamn. Now I really have to focus. I have morals. And even if I was going to break them, it wouldn’t be her. It would never be her. I would never do this to her.

“Sure.” I listen to the sound of a desk drawer opening and then of my teacher’s rummaging. “Here you go.” Mr. Stein must be handing her the band-aid. Hurry up! I squeeze my eyes shut as tight as I can, almost conjuring tears. “What happened to you?”

“Oh it’s nothing serious,” Tessa answers, peeling off the wrapper around the plastic bandage. I think I can hear every individual rip of the fibers in the paper. “Just a paper cut.” Why is she doing this so SLOWLY? I have the urge to growl, but I stifle it, pressing my shirt into my lips with one hand, my other hand tapping the pen impatiently against my desk. When did I start tapping my foot? Is she done yet?

The worst of the smell vanishes and I allow myself a slightly deeper breath, enough to fill my lungs halfway. I’m getting uncomfortable. I’m going to have to take an actual breath soon. Only two more hours, though. And that’s it. Just two more hours. I never have to come back here again. Just two more hours.

I hear something small and light land in the trash can and risk a glance up. Tessa, long light brown bangs sweeping across her forehead, the rest of her medium-length hair swinging freely around her face, is heading straight in my direction. There’s a fresh band-aid on the first finger of her left hand. Crap! It’s not so bad though.

“Daniel?” Mr. Stein looks at me with a raised eyebrow. “Are you alright?”

I have to stop myself from screaming. “Yeah,” I answer shakily, poor liar that I am, “Fine. It’s just the last test. I can’t wait to get out.” That’s true and it comes out more strongly than I anticipated.

“Well, you’re going to have to wait until the bell rings,” Mr. Stein informs me sternly, closing the door of the classroom, “Just like everybody else.”

Oh just go die, will you? If you knew what I was you would be the first one out the door.

“Hey.” Tessa catches my attention and I freeze where I am. She giggles. “You’re going to be fine, Dan. Don’t worry about it. It’s just a test.”

My body relaxes of its own accord. My foot stops moving and sits silently on the tile floor, my hand stops tapping the pen, I drop the collar of my shirt down from around my mouth and exhale. Then I breathe in deeply through my nose.

There’s an edge of iron on the air. I swallow down the poison gathering in my mouth and force myself to look at her. She’s smiling at me with that soft look of hers, small round nose, large green eyes, round face, strong chin. Part of me wants to grab that face on either side and kiss her until we’re both dizzy. Another part of me wants to kill her, or worse. I force as much of a grin as I can manage. It’s not much, but that doesn’t seem to bother her.

“You’ll be fine.” She repeats, warmth and confidence radiating out from her calm expression. “You need to relax.”

You have no idea. I nod slowly and then go back to memorizing the pattern on my desk. Just two hours. Less than that now. Mr. Stein is passing out the tests. Just two hours. Maybe if I work slowly I can pretend to focus on the test the whole time.

Breathing through my mouth helps, but it’s impossible to get the smell out of my head, the tang off my tongue. I’m taking this test with a hazy fog all around my consciousness. It’s all I can do to focus on the questions. What class is this again anyway? Math? Okay. Focus.

Excruciating is not quite the right word, but it describes these two hours fairly well. I finish the test with forty minutes to spare but my eyes stay glued to the pages. I keep pretending to work until after the bell rings, listening to the other students fly to the door. Tessa doesn’t get up right away, but I don’t wait for her.

Just a couple of minutes until I can get out to my car, and then I’ll have a chance to recover. I turn my test in and head for the door. On an exam day, you don’t bring anything with you besides a pen. Well, I didn’t anyway.

I should be overjoyed that this ordeal is over. Actually I’m just relieved. Community College is already settled, and that was only the least of my worries anyway. I need to work on my self-control some more before I go off to live at a crowded university.

I almost stop at the door and glance back over my shoulder. If I miss anyone from this prison they call Blackberry High School, I’ll miss Tessa. She’ll probably never know. Beyond the door, the crowds have dispersed. The other students are eager to get on with their summer.

“Take care, Daniel,” Mr. Stein calls from his desk.

“You too. Thanks!” I wave and flash a grin before stepping into the now-empty hall, trying not to breathe too deeply.

My footsteps echo along the familiar halls as I walk quickly to the front entrance. I’m careful not to make eye contact with anyone still standing around. I need to get to the car. If I can make it that far, I’ll be fine.

The fresh air outside is so welcome, I can’t take it in deeply enough. The smell of human bodies doesn’t clutter or hang about anywhere out here. It just floats away.

Relief swims in my bones as I head for the beat up old Toyota. This corolla has lasted forever, and her paint is still pretty decent – a nice dark blue. She’s served me well over the last two years, and I’m still glad I picked her over the other, newer, more expensive options.

I sigh deeply as I flop into the driver’s seat, rolling down the manual window. I turn the key in the ignition, pull into reverse, and take my foot off the brake, listening as my favorite radio station kicks into life with the engine.

“Wait!” My heart jumps at the sound of that voice. “Dan!” Oh no. Turn around, Tessa. Go back. Don’t talk to me right now. “Hey!”

Idiotically, I press the brake again and wait for her to catch up my little old car. “Hey,” I manage to smile this time, but I can feel it’s not in my eyes. “What’s up?”

“Um,” she seems unsure of herself now, shuffling a little with the last few steps, “I was late with my test, and I missed my bus.” Her voice drops to a lower volume, somewhere near a whisper, “I was hoping I could get a ride home with you?”

I think I’m ripping in half. One half, the sane, normal, human half, wants me to say yes and drive slowly. The other half, the insane, abnormal, non-human half, wants me to say yes, drive slowly, and then get lost and leave her where no one will find her. No one would know. No one is watching. No one would be able to say they saw me pick her up.

I can’t help sighing. The cut on her finger must have stopped bleeding because the iron smell isn’t there anymore. Maybe if we keep the windows rolled down, I’ll be able to manage. “Sure.” This time I can feel the happiness in my own eyes. “Hop in.” I nod my head towards the passenger side door.

“Thanks so much, Daniel!” My heart flutters when I hear my name dance off her lips. “I really appreciate it.” She opens the door and gets in, the perfume of her body filling the front seat. “I can give you gas money.” She starts rummaging through the stuff in her purse.

“No,” Impulsively, I reach out and put my hand on one of hers. “It’s okay.” Holy cow, her heart’s racing! “You live what, two blocks down the street from me?” I give her an are-you-serious grin and put my hand back on the wheel, taking my foot off the brake. “Seatbelt.” I’m almost at the limit of my self control. The parts of me that ripped themselves in half are grappling with each other inside my head. That’s good. If they can keep each other busy, then maybe I can just be Daniel for the next ten minutes.

“Thanks,” she says again, clicking into her seatbelt.

I nod my head as we leave the parking lot. “You can roll down your window if you want.” Please, please, please want to roll down your window.

“Oh, sure. Thanks.” Is the word ‘thanks’ attached to your tongue or something? She opens the window agonizingly slowly, but as soon as it’s down a warm, dry cross breeze alleviates my nose and impulses. Thank you. You have no idea how much that helps. I wish I could tell you.

I glance at her from the corner of my eye. She’s leaning back, enjoying the music and the breeze. I wish I could have her this close to me forever. My mouth salivates with that tangy acid again. Actually, I wish I could have her this close to me forever without the complicated feelings. I wish I could just be normal.

“You okay?” Damn, she’s perceptive.

“Huh?” I glance at her again, trying to pay attention to my driving.

“You look,” she pauses, finding the right word, “sick.”

I snort softly to myself. That’s one way to put it. “Yeah,” I shrug awkwardly, “it’s just some stomach bug.” My eyes stick to the road ahead.

“Oh, that same thing you’ve had since January?” She sounds understanding, sympathetic even. I wish I could tell her exactly what’s going on. I wonder if she’d still be sympathetic.

I wince at the thought of her freaking out. “Yeah. It’s almost cleared up, though.” I try to sound hopeful. The real disease I have will never clear up. That’s the one thing I’m absolutely sure of.

“Did you ever get it checked out or anything?” Now she definitely sounds concerned. I can’t help smiling. Well, at least it’s not like she doesn’t even know I exist.

“Yeah,” I answer nonchalantly, not having to lie, “but none of the doctors could ever figure it out.” That was true, too. It wasn’t like I could tell them exactly what was going on. I didn’t lie that badly, though. I told them it was a wild animal of some kind, but not what kind. They never were able to identify the marks. I was glad they weren’t in a place where I could see them – and still am.

“Well I hope it passes,” Tessa says sincerely, sounding almost frustrated, “whatever it is.”

“It will,” I hope I sound more confident than I feel. “All things pass with time.” Well, almost all things.

That answer seems to placate her and she changes the topic after a second or two of silence, “so what are you doing this summer?”

I shrug awkwardly again. “Working. What else?” I glance at her, feeling the dead-bored expression on my face. “Gotta pay for college somehow.”

She nods thoughtfully. “Yeah,” she takes a deep breath, and for a split second I can smell it on the air before the wind rips it away. Thank God for open windows and cross breezes. “I’m going to be in debt forever.”

“Where are you going to school?” I ask this as casually as I can, but inside I’m utterly depressed. Wherever it is, I’m sure it will a million miles away from me. Of course, that’s probably safer for her anyway. I should be happy for her. At least she gets to have a semi-normal life.

“University of Virginia!” She’s excited. Of course, she is. She’s in the top ten in our class, isn’t she?

“That’s great!” I answer with a half-hearted smile, some of my will to act human fading. I can taste a new wave of acrid flavor in my mouth and I grit my teeth against it, taking in a deep breath of fresh air.

“Yeah, it was my first choice,” Tessa babbles on, lost in her own happiness, “I’m so glad they accepted me! I was so afraid I wouldn’t get in.”

“Well,” I offer, “it looks like you did just fine.” I try to smile for her, to be really truly happy for her.

“What about you?” Her voice is soft again. I wonder why. “Where are you going to school?” Is she hoping that I won’t be too far from her?

“Just community college for now. I’m not sure what I want to major in, yet, so I’m going to figure that out before I waste all that money.” I glance at her from the corner of my eye again. She’s nodding understanding. Does she look relieved?

“Yeah, that makes sense. So you’ll be around when I want to visit, right?” I raise my eyebrows at the eagerness in her question and my stomach explodes into butterflies. Are my cheeks getting warm?

“Yeah, of course. Just give me a heads up, okay?” So I can clear my schedule completely and spend every waking moment with you, okay?

“Yeah, do I have your phone number?”

My heart tries to leap out of my chest and fly to the stars. But is that because of my human reaction, or the other one? She shifts around in her purse again, looking for her phone, and that of course dislodges her scent and scatters it into the breeze whishing through the car.

“Hang on.” I take the last turn that puts us on our street. “I’ll write it down for you when we stop.” Maybe I should give her a fake number. It’s really better for her if I don’t spend too much time with her. Too much can go wrong. But maybe in a year, I’ll have more control.

I park in front of her house. We’ve lived on the same street since we were little, always in school together. Blackberry, our little West Virginia mountain town, is pretty small. Everyone knows everyone else. UVA is going to be out of state. Well, all the safer for her.

Without the breeze to wash away her smell, my mouth moistens sharply and my throat goes dry. I focus on scribbling the numbers on the little notebook she hands to me. “Here.” I have to keep myself from shoving it at her rudely.

Our eyes meet as she takes the notebook back from me and for a second, I imagine us kissing, and at just the right moment, I could bite – Then I tear my eyes away from hers and glare out the front window. “Have a good summer.” I tell her quietly.

She exhales and the smell of her breath racks my brain. The fog I felt around the edges of my thoughts in the classroom comes back and I fight to keep it around the edges. “You too.” She sounds sad now. My heart aches for that. I know it’s my fault. I listen as she gets out of the car and don’t wait to make sure she gets in her front door.

My two conflicting desires stop their warring and settle down, both of them sourly defeated. So much for just Daniel.