i remember the first time i ever took a hit, thanks to my brother. i remember only seeing him smoke when my mom was in the hospital or puking up the alcohol she relied on as her source of air. he always said that smoking to him was like crying. it soothed the pain without drawing attention. without making it look as if he was too sensitive.because too sensitive implied to the outside eye that one just experienced this particular pain once or twice but not an every day, every week, every moment experience of pain.i took up the habit soon after.his method just seemed so easy. crying took a lot out of me, it drained me completely until i could feel nothing. i always felt as if no one ever really cared when i would cry anyway. my dad would just pat me on the head and tell me that everything was going to be okay. but everything that was supposed to be okay became an every weekend event, so that "pat on the head" became a ritual and it just made the tears flow more, since i began to anticipate the next painful event. but this time it was going to be okay.it was so comforting. the feeling of the smoke entering my adolescent lungs filling my soul with anti depressants. that's what it was for me, an anti depressant in the form of a green plant.
i knocked violently on my brothers bedroom door. i rubbed my eyes and yawned with great energy. " Kylor " i called quietly.i knocked again as though it were an emergency that he wake up. as if he wasn't such a disappointment already. he was 24 and living at home still with a dead end job and a high school diploma, no college. Kylor was a good guy though, he was just confused. he still just didn't know what he wanted from his life. and ever since his low life bimbo of a girlfriend decided to move to Georgia he became depressed and had lost all of his determination to be "better" than my mom. i was personally disappointed but i didn't know what i could do to get his determination back,besides wake him up every morning so he wasn't late for work. there was no one around to really push him, except for me of course. my dad was always working,my mom was always drinking. Kylor told me once that all he wanted was for dad to get mad at him because he still lived at home and to yell at him and call him a stoner, call him a low life, instead of smothering him with love and enabling his poor decisions.I know Kylor wants to make my father and i proud but apart of him wants the challenge. my dad's heart is too big. he does anything for us. he always says that he wants us to be close to home so he can love us better... i heard my brothers shower turn on so i knew he was up and my efforts were accomplished. it was Saturday morning. Saturday mornings, i wonder what's in store...
i went downstairs to get something to eat from the
massive sized refrigerator my father thought we needed. i found
my mom already sitting in the kitchen on one of the stools placed
neatly in front of the island. i ignored her pathetic stares for
her daughters attention. i opened up the bottom drawer that lead
to the freezer below the two doors of the refrigerator. i pulled
out a frozen sausage egg and cheese bagel. i hadn't had one in
awhile i figured it was about time. i heard my mom take another
gulp of her drink. " Good morning love " she said in her slurred
tone. all i could do was nod. i really wanted to turn around and
give her the finger .she really used to be a wonderful mom,
until.. i don't know, mid life crisis? selfishness consumed her,
i'm sure. my father walked down the crisp white spiral stairs
with a jet black suitcase in one hand and his jacket swung over
his other arm. he looked like one of the guys out of a LL Bean
magazine with a sharp looking suit on. " morning dear! " my
father said excited to see his little girl. he kissed my forehead
and gave me a great big smile, like every morning but that
literally made my day to know my father loves me. you know, us
kids put our parents through a lot of shit and they still loves
us. and it seems so effortless how he shows his love to me. i
appreciate it whole heartedly. after putting my bagel in the
microwave i hugged my dad so tightly just to start his day off
right. he then went over to my mother and kissed her on her
forehead. he still loved her. and that made me laugh on the
inside. though he is a loving and faithful husband he deserves
much better. my father made his way out of the door when he
turned around and shot me a wink and said " tell Kylor i love
him. have a good day. " my father left and suddenly my home felt
so dark. i peered over my right shoulder at my pathetic excuse
for a mother.i shook my head at the sight of her shoulder length
frazzled blonde hair falling in her face as she drank and become
more feeble. she began mumbling to herself and all i could do was
look at her with such resentment. i reached for the
microwave as it " dinged! ". I placed the bagel on a paper towel and began to pick at it, examining what the packaging called "egg" and proceeded to throw it out. my brother began walking down the stairs with his keys dangling from his hands. he walked over and kissed me on the fore head. he wore light khaki pants, he looked like one of those teachers your friends always hit on. he had on a collared black shirt with the first two buttons un buttoned, his hair was a light brown and in direr need of a hair cut. he looked as if he were the lead singer from your neighborhood garage band trying to conform to the working world. his blue eyes were the lightest blue our creator could bless anyone with.he walked behind my mom and shot her a nasty a look, a look that would make your eyes swell up with tears. " your fucking ridiculous Grace, do you know that? do you know what a waste of human flesh you are " my brother whispered to her, he never called her mom any more.i wanted to yell at him, i wanted to tell him to stop, but in the most horrible way he was right.my mom muttered to him " you'll miss me.. " he cut her off " oh yeah, ill miss you when you drink yourself to death? no i wont. " he pulled his face away from her
and walked toward the white door, that the sunlight peered through the two glass pieces in the door, it was a beautiful sight, just a door. if you take away the animosity. " you don't deserve to live Grace Reichman ".my brother gave me a slight loving smile and looked back at her with hate in his eyes. she just sat there and drank more as if nothing had just happened. what does she feel? how does she deal with knowing shes shes impacted three people in such a negative way.three people with nothing but unconditional love in their hearts, and not just people her family? And us three will never be the same unfortunately. shes so fucking selfish. i walked up the stairs,down the hall and into my room where the door was slightly open. i walk into my room and everything is okay again. i took a deep breath, and i felt relieved. as though peace had fallen over me for a quick moment. like the feeling you get when you touch your feet into the ocean as the sun sets with all of those colors, Crayola cant even dream up those colors. its like the waves wash away each trouble, your thoughtless for a moment. i laid back on my big queen bed and sunk into my white cloud like pillows. i was calm. just as i was ready to accept and agree that peace consume me, i heard my mom's slurred and weak voice call my name. every time she called my name it made me cringe, my heart felt as if a thousand knives were piercing it when she spoke. i ignored her, fuck it. i pressed my soft cherub face into my pillows i whispered softly to myself for her to shut up but her voice sounded so near. my sleek black phone began to ring some obnoxious techno song. i slid of my bed like a lazy serpent. i walked lightly over to my glass table that sat under a tall romantic window in my room. the clock ticked louder than ever it over powered her voice which gave me some relief.
" hey its Jeremiah "
" what's up.. "
" nothing just wondering if you wanted to dinner with me tonight"
" Taylor please" he said impatiently
" sure, but ill meet you somewhere "
" fine then, meet me at Carmina's, 6 and no excuses Taylor seriously. "
" i will be there okay " i said sounding obviously annoyed.
" bye "
the line went dead and i slowly closed my eyes and dropped my head back. my long vibrant brown silky hair fell elegantly behind me and consumed my small body. i held my breath for a quick second trying to calm myself from the call. this was going to be interesting. i better call Augustana... i softly searched my contacts for "August! :D"
" Taylor! hey love "
i paused for a moment at her excitement
" Jeremiah called "
" oh lord, what did he say? "
" he wants me to meet him at Carminas tonight for dinner. "
" tell me you didnt say yes"
i paused again this time for a long moment until she realized my unsatisfying answer.
" Taylor! why? never mind that, come over when your done. and be careful Tay, pleasedon't say anything he doesn't need to know. "
" i wont, yeah ill come over when were done. i'm scared Aug. "
" you'll be fine, call me if you need me, i love you Tay "
" love you "
the line went dead. i had such an urge to smoke a blunt maybe three right then. but i couldn't yet. i stood their contemplating his reason for this dinner tonight. why did i accept to this dinner in the first place? what did he have to say? probably a bunch of bull shit " i'm sorry's" and look of regret. how cliche. i cant lie, i was happy he called i missed his raspy voice.but then again as my memories of him flashed through my weak mind my stomach began to knot. i thought i was about to have an anxiety attack just thinking about it, but i quickly walked to the door in my room leading to my own bathroom and sat on the toilet trying to catch my breath. my hair fell lightly on my eyes. random thoughts filled my mind,"my hair is too long, i may need a hair cut.." i was becoming so anxious that i was rambling within my thoughts and i was just irritating myself even more.i turned from the toilet and looked at myself in the rounded mirror above the sleek metal sink. my eyes were a bright blue and my cheeks were flushed. my lips were dry and i looked a mess, to myself i did, but do any of us actually see our true beauty? i opened the medicine cabinet that was disguised as a beautiful rounded mirror with gold detail trimming the piece of reflection. i took out a small white pill, my Dr's call it my chill out pill, technically known as Ativan. i swallowed it dry. i needed relief fast.
i hate this.