Can't Be Saved
I have a fear, a great fear. I fear this year is going to be the hardest year yet. It's only been two months since dad's death. And mom hasn't been taking it to well. I now have to take care of Jason. Being sixteen hasn't really been easy for me lately. I haven't been the same old me since dad died. No one has. Mom keeps going out late at night, and coming back the next morning with hickeys, swollen lips, sex hair, and in a drunken state.
I always end up taking care of her, while making sure Jason doesn't see her. I can't help but take the 'motherly' roll...
I can feel my eyes water as I continue to think, while listening to "The Royal We" by Silversun Pickups.
Times have gotten extremly hard without dad around. Mom doesn't work, she got fired when she went to work drunk and crused her boss out. I work now, because mom won't buy the things Jason needs everyday. Like I said, I took the mother roll around here. I cry myself to sleep thinking about dad's death, about mom being messed about his death, about Jason having to grow up like this, about me having so much to take care of. Mainly I cry about dads death. The police say it was a 'mugging gone wrong'. Three shots to the chest, and a stolen wallet and car. They only left his gold watch, which the police gave to mom. SHE THEN TRIED TO PAWN IT FOR CASH!!! But I took it, and yelled at her for trying to do such a thing. I mean, how could she?
Thinking about that day made the tears spill from my eyes. I could taste the salty water on my lips. I can't believe she tried to do that. My dad and mom were never legally married. But they sure did act like it, always kissing, hugging, and telling each other sweet things. They tried to keep it PG in front of me and Jason. Ugh, I can't write anymore. I closed my journal and stuffed it under my bed. I looked over to my Scooby-Doo alarm clock to see it was 12:37am. Mom was steill out, doing God knows what with Gods knows whom. Jason is sleeping next to me, lightly breathing. His black hair slightly in his eyes, and his lips a little pouty, he did this when he was in deep sleep. He looked so cute. He has slept in my room since one day he was crying non-stop for mom. And she came home to find him like that, but she was drunk out of her mind, and had a huge hang over. She got annoyed and almost slapped him. I pushed her out of the way before she could. And grabbed Jason and ran up to my room, I spent two hours repeating "It's gonna be okay," over and over. Untill he fell asleep in my arms on my bed. Jason's five, and starting kinder tomorrow. I'll be starting my Junior year. Fuck my life right now.