It was only space and time right? A completely unwavering; which
the entire world moved by. In time so much could happen and in
that same breath nothing could happen at all.
But no matter what… time always moved, situations could stop,
hearts could stop as life ceased to exist but time was a
continuum…a constant reminder that your life's clock was slowly
That's exactly how I felt. I knew my clock was winding down as I
lie there on the cold floor counting backwards from 100 as he lay
on top of me sweating and breathing heavily. I knew that time was
all I had and that time would soon be running out.
Chapter One: Like it never happened
I could see it in his eyes, he wasn't himself, this wasn't the
man that I'd seen every Friday night for the past six years
playing poker with my dad and uncles. This wasn't the same man
who'd offer to drive me and my siblings to school when my
father's car broke down. This wasn't the man who spent Christmas
with us the last three years.
His wife Linda died three Thanksgiving's ago in a terrible car
crash- five other people died in that crash as well. He was sad
and lonely, my mother and father felt compassion and sympathy for
him. My mother would always cook him a nice hardy meal and have
me walk it over to him every Sunday at 6:45pm. I remember one
Sunday I'd dropped off pork chops smothered in gravy, mash
potatoes and peas.
He'd opened the door with a huge smile on his face.
"Hi, Jackie" he exclaimed. My real name was Jackson but family
and friends called me Jackie for short, I liked the nick name, I
wasn't too fond of having a boys name in the first place.
"Hi Mr. Morton" I retorted. I'd handed him the Tupperware dish
"its pork chops" I continued.
"Hey I told you to call me Danny remember…?" he scolded a serious
look rimming across his face.
"Sorry" I said sheepishly.
"Why don't you come in for a second Jackie" the smile returning
to his face.
"I can't" I replied simply "I have to do the dishes" I didn't
realize at that moment why Mr. Morton would ask me to come in, he
hadn't any other time.
He just looked and nodded. "Ok, well tell your mom and dad that
they have a beautiful daughter" he paused "you remind me so much
of Linda…so much that its scary, I feel like I am looking right
at her" his eyes examined my body slowly. I felt uncomfortable, I
"Well Mr. Morton, I really should be going" I said quickly.
"Hey tell your parents you guys are like family to me…I
appreciate you all" he smiled.
I nodded and hurriedly walked off his back porch slightly jogging
six houses down to my house.
That was the last time I'd seen Mr. Morton until now, before he'd
stolen my virginity so violently on a Monday afternoon.
When he ripped my clothes off and I heard them clunk to the floor
beside me, I began to whimper.
"Please Mr. Morton" I begged I didn't know what else to say
"I told you to call me Danny" he yelled and then in that same
breath he jammed himself inside of me. I screamed, the pain was
excruciating, I was confused I couldn't see out of my eyes, the
tears blinding me. His panting turned into grunting as little
pellets of his sweat smacked against my skin.
I wanted to throw up; I was going to throw up, I felt disgusting.
"No…stop…please" my voice was gargled. He took his hand and
squeezed it around my neck, slowly cutting off my air supply but
not completely. I fought hopelessly against him; I was no match
it was as if I were punching a brick wall.
"Shut up" he panted as he moved in and out of me. "Shut" in "up"
out it continued. I cried uncontrollably when was this going to
end. From the corner of my eye I could see a small rusted clock
on the wall it read 3:52. I relied on that clock, for some reason
I felt like if I knew how much time had passed that I could get
I looked at the clock again-probably minutes later- and saw that
the clock still read 3:52 at that instance I realized that the
tiny second hand wasn't moving.
My tears moved down my cheeks rapidly. I had no clue when this
hell…this agonizing hell would end.
Then suddenly there was nothing inside of me, Mr. Morton's
breathing was still loud but not in the rhythmic pattern that it
was in before. He was still on top of me, his eyes still not sane
when he softly placed his hand on my cheek, removing it from my
"Shhh" he said as he caressed my cheek "Why are you crying?"
I didn't answer.
"I love you so much Linda" he softly placed his lips on mine,
trying to force his tongue in my mouth.
"I'm…not…Linda" I mumbled against his lips. But he just kissed me
"I'm not Linda" I said louder my words and voice being slurred as
his tongue flicked around in my mouth.
"I'm not Linda!" I screamed. He lifted his head abruptly.
"You are Linda!" he screamed back louder than my voice had been.
I shook my head back and forth rapidly.
"You…you are… you… " he yelled and in that same second he punched
the side of my face.
I think I was knocked unconscious. I don't know how much time
passed but I was slowly able to open my eyes. They fluttered as
everything around me was a complete blur. I finally gained focus
only to see Mr. Morton still hovering over me.
"Jackie…?" he asked me confused. His eyes were back, it was weird
it was like a completely different person was there.
"Oh…God Jackie" he got up sitting on the floor next to me
covering his face with his hands.
"I'm sorry…I didn't…I don't know what just happened…I'm so so
sorry" he cried.
I stared at him I was confused. "Get up…please" he said softly as
he stood to his feet reaching down grabbing my clothes and
handing them to me.
I sat up slowly; I could feel the pain thundering inside of me, I
could feel the bruises that were going to form around my neck and
my eye throbbing with the pulse of my heart.
"I swear to you…that wasn't me, I would never hurt you I love
you…I love you all… your whole family…I couldn't hurt you" he
But he did hurt me. Did he not realize that? He raped me, robbed
me of my most precious possession-my virginity- he just robbed me
of my childhood. I would never be the same Jackson after this.
"I haven't been right since Linda died, everybody told me to go
get help and I didn't" he cried as I slowly put my clothes on
monitoring every ache and pain I felt.
"And because I didn't listen I hurt you" he turned towards me. I
had no reason to be embarrassed that my breasts were still
exposed, after what he'd done to me this was tame.
I could see in his eyes; he was looking at my face as I got
dressed not paying any attention to my half naked body, the same
body that he was drooling over, fondling and abusing just moments
"Jackie…you do know that wasn't me…right?"
I knew what he meant, I saw the eyes of my attacker and the eyes
of the man I was staring at now they were not the same person but
what was I suppose to do, this is something that couldn't be
"Jackie, I need help, I will get help…just…" he paused "I know
this is a lot for me to ask"
Then don't ask it I thought to myself.
"Don't tell anybody…I'll get the help" he begged. "I would never
hurt you…that was some crazy person that I will get rid of but I
need you to help me"
I looked at him as he begged. I didn't have the power to
speak…and I hadn't said a word the whole time.
"You can't tell anyone about this…let me get the help I need and
this will all go away…just please" he paused; his eyes piercing
into mine "it would be like…like it never happened."
He said the words it would be like it never happened. He'd
actually said that. I repeated that sentence in my head a million
times before I moved again.
I buttoned the last button of my shirt. The shirt was missing two
buttons; they had to have torn off when he ripped my favorite
shirt from my body.
I grabbed my coat and my school books that were scattered on his
living room floor. I must have been insane, or extremely scared
or still in shock but as I walked to his side door I turned
around and nodded as if to say 'ok'.
I was gone heading to my home in broad day light, I would go home
and I would take my clothes off…I would burn them this
weekend I thought to myself.I would take a scolding hot
shower. I would scrub every inch of my body until my skin was
raw. I would brush my teeth until they bled. Scrub my tongue
until every taste bud was removed or seriously damaged. Then I
would go to softball practice at 6pm.
It would be like it never happened.