…He approached me as I walked, very kindly he spoke. “Excuse me miss?” as I turned to answer I could not for he looked so familiar…I just stare with my mouth kind of open as if I lost my nerve to speak… I cannot help myself, as a tear strays from my eye as once again he says “excuse me miss?” All this time I believed I would not see a sight like this, a grown man with eyes so kind, face like an angel that was lost in time… I am too scared to speak for I think if I do he might just disappear into the night, never will I hear that voice I once loved long ago and I will become lost in this dream I have had so many times before—as one more tear escapes my eye I try to hide it as he stares at me with such concern in his face. I wipe away the tear and force a smile onto my face so not to make him scared, and I open my mouth and I say in the smallest voice ”yes sir”…
I woke with a scattered mind, my heart beats racing as I looked around not knowing where I was. –as I took a couple deep breaths- I realized I was home in my bed and that man…that man I can’t put a name to… was only a dream passing in the night. I could feel sleep was going to evade me tonight for that dream still has me shaken… I am not the girl that dreams about unknown men…even men with eyes that could make you lose yourself into their soul… I promised myself after that one long tragic night; my relationship I thought that would last forever faded into the night, leaving me broken in the dark… I do not need my heart broken again; I will not be that girl again…
I gave up on sleeping; I couldn’t stand lying in my bed anymore with my head swirling through the dream over and over again… As I look around my room the computer looked like the best bet to distract me from it all. I figured I might as well look up Otis’s Blog and read some more of his work, that way if he asked I would be able to tell him that I read them. As his blog started to load the first thing that popped up was his profile along with a picture of him—His smiling face, his tanned skin, hair that looked as if the wind had swept it from his face… I hadn’t noticed before but his face was smooth, yet rough…A shadow of hair was creeping back darkening his face, the roughness of his hair trying to cover the lower half, surrounding his pink lips, moving over his cleft chin, everything in perfect harmony with the rest, highlighting what I could only describe as eyes of a seer… I couldn’t take my eyes away from his, they were layered-blue around the edges fading into turquois moving into green, yellowed into the brown surrounding his pupils, it was if I could look deep into his soul and never surface again… I shook my head…no I can’t… I need to stay away from it all; my hearts not healed enough to fall for someone again… First blog post was a description of his life –no avoid at all cost- Poetry for a poet- yes I guess we will see… “Outsider; I hung on by a thread, for years I couldn’t give in… Wrong side of the tracks, always looking over to where I wished I could be… Dreaming what I believed I needed to, to be happy… Wrong turns everywhere I went, for years I was lost to this world… I did what I thought would make me friends, but I was just lost further. For years I didn’t have my own identity, faking my way through life, yet all I wanted was to have my soul back… I found someone I thought would help, but it was just another act to play another show to put on for strangers, ones I did not want to become… I thought I was starting to feel better, I see now a trick of the mind was all it was… Another hide away so I could feel Alive, she was my outsider… my other half of the puzzle. With this I shed my last tear… for I found who I am supposed to be and I will keep moving forward. I am no longer hanging on by a thread… I am finally fine with being the outsider of my own story.”
This is not helping-as I shut off the computer and head back to bed. Maybe I can get a couple more hours of sleep… As I slept my dreams were invaded once again, this time by a guy sitting alone at the edge of a fountain, he looked lost to my eyes…as I watched him sitting there staring into the water, I slowly moved closer… Within the reflecting waters I saw this guy…he had no face, reflecting in front of my eyes was just bright beautiful colors mixed together to form the shape of his upper half… I looked at this faceless man and my mind started to run frantic, different thoughts all flashing through my mind in a constant reel of stories that this faceless man might have… What would his eyes have shown me? Would I be able to see into this man’s soul, as I do to so many others? If I stood here longer or stepped a little closer would I be able to make out his face, through the blur of it all? –
“Jesse…Jesse wake up, wake up!”
I could feel my dream world start to shake, shattering all around me as I watch that faceless man slowly look my way as he spoke my name Jesse… I could feel the scream building in my throat and as soon as I let it out… “JESSE!” I woke shaken starring around my room trying to make my eyes focus on something… “Ma-Mandy! What are you doing in my room?” “Jesse you were talking in your sleep, it sounded like you were having a nightmare and then I heard you scream…” “What? What was I saying?” “I don’t know it didn’t make any sense…you said something about it being him…you said he had no face and then you started to scream and you were shaking… I didn’t know what was happening so I tried to wake you up.” “What time is it?” “It’s a little after nine” “nine? Did anyone else hear me? Oh my parents are going to think I’m crazy or on drugs or both!” “Jesse, its fine your parents headed out about fifteen minutes before I heard you. I heard the door downstairs slam that’s what woke me up.” Feeling a little crazy and embarrassed myself “Umm Mandy, have I even…um talked in my sleep before?” Still looking a little shaken “No, not that I have heard” “Good…Maybe it was just a bad dream and it won’t happen again”-trying to sound as hopeful as I could manage. ‘Yeah, it was just a bad dream”
‘As we ate under my favorite willow for the last time before we head back to school I leaned my head back against the bark and closed my eyes and took a couple deep breaths to hold onto for once I was back in Boston. “Your family is great Jesse, I am really glad I came” “I’m glad you came too, my parents love you, and you’re like their adopted daughter now or something I can see it in their eyes… Plus they told me so when you were in the shower last night!” as we both laughed “To bad I couldn’t meet Mikey Jay” “I know I wasn’t expecting him to be gone for break, I was looking forward to you both meeting.” “I guess there is next time?” As I looked up into the willows branches, they seem to be weeping from above “Yeah, I guess” “Do you mind? I would like to take a couple pictures before we head out.” “Sure, go for it I will sit here and be your model, ha-ha” As Amanda took her shots I started to wonder about the man in my dreams, the man that made me come up short of breath and at a loss for words…He seemed so real that whole dream felt like a distant memory which might have been uncovered with my return trip home… I can’t seem to place it though? - As I look down at my camera the flashback to that nightmare I had last night came back to me...I shook it off. “My turn, you can be my model now!”
As we walked around town--for our last full day home, before we headed back to school—I took pictures of couples walking hand in hand as they strolled through the park; well taking in the feel of all the people walking through the street around me. “Hey Jesse, can we head over to the train tracks, I see a train heading in, I love it when trains come by, you can see all the graffiti of artists from around the world displayed for all to see.” “And for us to capture, I love it, their work speaks for them it gives a voice to the artist, even though it’s a strangers work, I feel like I know some of what their soul holds.” “I knew I liked you! Can you believe some people think it’s just a mess of sprayed colors, they see it and think its work of a vandal, a troubled teen?...” As I watched the unspoken words streak past my eyes in blurs, I made sure to capture some of what I saw to film, hoping maybe I can make someone see the poetry and struggle behind what is. You never know maybe these pictures I took of home will give me a hint as to why I am having these dreams? Maybe when I get back to Boston my life will go back to how it was since I moved away? Bringing with me of course a closer bond to Amanda then I had before!