Random First Lines: Chapter 4: Saved? I woke up back in John’s arms as he ran through the woods.  I was still groggy but I... : Fantasy » Read

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The hardships a young, teenage girl has to face after she runs away from home. Will she regret it? Or will she be able to prevail and find life beyond her troubled home? View table of contents...

Chapters:

1 2

Submitted: Jul 19, 2008    Reads: 23    Comments: 3    Likes: 0   


I stared up at the velvet sky, alone. The sun was just setting beyond the horizon and the evening was quickly turning into night. I swung my legs around, as my mind went blank. I loved doing this; just relaxing and letting your thoughts wander. Standing up, I proceeded to go back down the chimney, resuming my daily odd jobs as a housemaid or chimney sweeper. I landed with a thud and brushed off the dust from my arms and legs. Not forgetting to pick up my weekly salary, I opened the sealed envelope, a gleam in my eyes as I counted the money. $30 was placed inside, neatly. I tucked it into my back pocket, leaving the mansion I would return to the next day to clean.

It had just stopped raining around an hour ago, so the streets were still wet. I stood in front of a large puddle, staring down at it as I examined my appearance. My once silky brunette hair was tangled and knots were forming everywhere. The rags I had on weren’t washed since I found them in an alley a few weeks ago, and my arms and legs bruised and dirty. I put a hand to my face, where I instantly felt the coarse texture of coal clinging to my hand. A tear fell down from my emerald-green eyes as I sat down on the cold pavement, weeping.

Nearby a wet market had just opened, as people hustled around, negotiating on prices and hawkers yelling out the prices of the fruit or vegetables. I wiped away my tears, sniffling. With a brief touch of my salary, I decided to buy some bread; anything, that would last me the next few days.

I had been living on a diet of water and whatever scraps I could find, or, if I was lucky, receiving some food from my employers when I went to clean their houses. I approached a stall, where an elderly lady rocking her baby to sleep stood, selling bread and flowers. I handed her a 5 dollar note, smiling as I picked up the last bagel. Behind her I noticed a young girl, around 3 years younger than I was, picking up roses and cutting of their thorns, her hands bleeding from cuts she had obtained.

I tore off a piece of the bread, chewing it slowly; savoring the taste as I knew it wouldn’t last long, After another bite, I kept it with the envelope in my pocket, walking along the muddy streets as I attempted to find a place of shelter for the night.

I wished things were different.

I wished I hadn’t run away from home.


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Comments:

It was cool. It attracted my attention and interest.

Its rare that i see a novel that doesn't start immediatly with conflict. I'm guessing this chapter was supposed to introduce the char.Which it basicaly did.

There were parts i didn't get.
'swung my legs around' ?
Was she on her back? Or on a swing?
(after rereading i realised where he was but how could a first time reader know that.)

'Standing up, I proceeded to go back down the chimney, resuming my daily odd jobs as a housemaid or chimney sweeper'

What other duties do chimey sweepers do other than sweep chimney? The sentence distracted me from the story.

Fun critism!! Don't take it heart!

Is this set in the past? Do you still get chimey sweeps in the world?
This is a woman right i mean you dont get male housemaids righ? Not many men cry or swing thier legs around either. :):):)

Isn't 30 dollars alot of money? :):) I mean sure zim dollars maybe. :):)

All in all i liked it and i look forward to reading the rest.

Posted: Jul 19, 2008

Author Comment:

Ha ha, yea... it's kind of a flashback in the beginning. I'm posting the second chapter so hopefully that wi;; shed some light or not be as confusing. But I appreciate your view. (:
xx

thanks for the preview, I like books/short stories that grab my attention, instead of being bland and boring. 5/5 stars!

Posted: Jul 20, 2008

Author Comment:

Really? 5/5? Wow, that's great. Thanks so much!

xx

likig it so far..
its a nice simple chapter to simply get to know the character..
nd ur writing was so descriptive that I did jus that..
xox great job xox

Posted: Jul 20, 2008

Author Comment:

Thanks, really appreciate it. (:

xx



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