Authors note; I'm not overly happy with this chapter but I needed to get the story moving! Sorry, but please don't give up on it!
Shona tapped lightly on the door before coming in. “Good morning Leila. Did you sleep well?” she asked, smiling. I smiled back and nodded as I climbed out of bed, smoothed the duvet over and sat back down on it. “Good. Now, we need to have a little chat before your therapy this morning. Me and Rob had a talk last night and he decided it would best if we chatted before, so you can feel prepared for therapy. The things you’ll talk about today, the things people will mention could come as a nasty surprise if you don’t understand what has happened to you.” Her voice oozed concern. I smiled at her. My mouth naturally smiled at me now; she was one of those utterly lovely people who it was impossible not to smile at. “Now, there’s no easy way to do this, so Rob thought we could use a new technique. I'm going to show you a video of the last few weeks of your life Leila. Its going to be horrible, upsetting, and very hard to watch, but if you do watch it then it should clear things up for you. Is that okay?” I looked at her, stunned. Everything was going to make sense again. I would understand what had happened to me. How bad could it be? I was desperate to watch it. “Yeah. Sure, that sounds absolutely fine.” Shona smiled at me again. “Great! Follow me then baby. Therapy’s been pushed back till this afternoon, so you won’t be able to have a free afternoon like you would have been able to. Sorry.”
“Its fine Shona. I get too finally stop all the confusion! Is it ready? Lets go!” I said excitedly. She hesitated by the door. “Listen, Leila. I don’t know if it’s such a good idea for you to be so excited about this. It’s not going to be pleasant viewing.” She scratched the back of her neck, looking awkwardly at the floor. Oh god, I felt so embarrassed. For some unknown reason, I was treating Shona like she was my best friend; I was being completely myself around here, not matter how embarrassing I was. I refused to meet her gaze. “Oh right, yeah. It’s just, you know, I want a bit of clearance. Sorry.” I mumbled, uncomfortably. Her eyes were wet when they met mine. “Leila. I need to tell you something. Maybe you should sit down. Maybe I shouldn’t tell you. No, you need to know. Oh god. I can’t this, I can’t do it. I don’t know what to say. Oh god, oh god, I don’t know what to do!” she was frantically pacing up and down. Her hair, which had been neatly plaited and pulled over her shoulder, was quickly unravelling as she tugged the end of it worriedly. Her beautiful blue eyes were brimming with tears, dangerously near spilling down her cheeks. It was awful to see Shona so het up. I slowly backed towards my bed and sat down. She didn’t notice at first, but when she stopped babbling confusedly and saw me her face softened with concern.
“Shona. Please, just tell me.” I asked. My nose was prickling as my own eyes filled with tears. She rushed over to me. “Oh god. What is it Leila? Why are you crying? Oh god, please don’t cry” she smoothed my hair out, allowing me to rest my head of her shoulder. Why was I crying? I think it was because I was so scared. My own imagination was scaring the hell out of me, coming up with all sorts of horrifying and twisted things that she would be so reluctant to tell me. Shona nudged me up so I was sat opposite looking at her. My eyes drifted away from hers, only to cause her to say my name and grab my attention again. “Leila. Oh god, Leila. I need to tell you something awful. Something really, really awful. But I need to you to stay calm. You can cry, of course you can, but please don’t run off again. Please.” I nodded, trying to stay calm. How bad could it be? She took a hold of my hands and looked straight into my eyes. “On March 23rd of this year, at 3.52 pm, you came home from school. And, for a number of reasons, you took your own life.”
She burst into tears, hugging me close. We both sat and waited for me to react. Everything inside me felt numb. Move Leila. Do something. Cry, blink, sniffle, smile, laugh. Just do something; it was all I could think. Shona stood up. I rolled into a ball and stared at the floor. “How do you feel, Leila? I can’t help but notice that you haven’t actually reacted yet.” I stared at her blankly. I was literally frozen with fear; at that moment, I had never been more scared in my entire life. I was so scared, so utterly petrified of myself.
I knew I hadn’t been happy. I was unpopular at school, and my parents didn’t take much notice of me. I knew that I had hated the world; I hated how disturbing, how fucked up everything was. I just didn’t know that it had gotten so unbearable. Shona sighed disappointedly and left. I never thought it possible, but I could literally feel my heart breaking. Any good bits, any hope I had left was cracking and breaking and crumbling away, leaving just an empty shell; leaving what I had become. All I wanted to do was curl up and go to sleep. Just as I was drifting away, a new thought burst into my brain and rattled round. Why had I done it? I was a sad girl, but I was still a strong one. I always had a tinge of optimism in me. I can’t have just given up; I would’ve held on, just in case tomorrow was better. Something must have happened to make me do it. And that was all I wanted to know, all I needed to know. Obviously, the answer to that was the bloody video tape that Shona hadn’t shown me. So how would I get to see it? She had said something about me not being ready. My brain was whirring with activity as I tried to work it all out. I would have to go to therapy, and either force myself to recover or pretend I had.