I tried to sleep but I couldn't just bring myself to do it. Every time I closed my eyes I got the terrible feeling that something bad was going to happen. They said I was safe here but what if he came back for me? They promised me that I would never hurt by the hands of that bastard again. Still I couldn't sleep. I haven't had a full night of sleep since I was thirteen. I would take a nap maybe twice a week only to find myself waking up thirty minutes later in a storm of fits, screaming at my demons.
My name is River Radke and I'm fifteen. I live with my adoptive parents. Its only been two weeks since I moved in but I still couldn't get comfortable here. Its not the Dellen's..erm I mean Andy and Lisa's..fault I just didn't feel comfortable anywhere. I felt like and intruder in their home.
Lisa was unable to have children and when they signed up for adoption and found me.
The room was cold even though I had my hoodie on. The couple just left the room to discus about their ideas but Mrs. Welsh stayed with me.
"Don't worry River." she placed her hand on my shoulder.
"We're going to find you a new home. I have a good feeling about this one."
I guess it would have been better if I played the more social card but I was tired of meeting different people and I was tired of getting rejected by strangers. I started rubbing and scratching at my wrist. A nervous habit I picket up when the doctors found out about my cutting. My foster parents freaked when the doctor told them and I haven't been able to even look at a knife without hearing "Oh honey what's wrong did you forget to take you antidepressant this morning?"
They took away anything and everything that I could possibly use to hurt myself with basically leaving me with nothing.
The couple came back in with a smile on their face which shocked me. I've been in this foster home for five months now and everyone that came to see me only had a look of worry and pity written on their faces.
"W-what's going on?" I said mentally kicking myself for stuttering. It was something I always did when I was scared or nervous. Andy smiled.. I think his name was Andy.. and wrapped and arm around is wife's hip.
"We'd like to take you home. That is if you want to come with us." he spoke.
I was shocked. Did someone actually want me?
"What do you think River? Do you want to live with them?" Miss Welsh persisted since I was still shocked someone actually chose me to take home.
"You r-really w-want me?" I really needed to stop fucking stammering or their going to think I was some mental person.
"Of course we do." Andy answered still with the warmest smile on his face which made me smile as well.
"Oh I knew this was a good match!" Mrs. Welsh butted into the conversation.
"Ok River go to you room and pack your thing I still have some things to discuss with your new parents."
I got out of my chair and walked over to Andy and Lisa I hesitated at first but then I threw myself at them hugging both of them in my arms. They quickly returned the embrace.
"thank you." I whispered into their chests which made Andy hug me tighter.
As I was leaving the room they both sat down across from Mrs. Welsh.
"Now you know about Rivers past already but I thought I should tell you that he's dealing with self-mutilation."
I felt completely horrified that she was telling them this. They would of found out anyway that I was doing this but did she really need to tell them now? What if they changed their minds about me. No one wants to deal with a suicidal child.
I looked at the clock on my phone. Lisa went and sprung for it because she realized I didn't have one. It read 4:32 am. I turned the screen off and stuck it back under my pillow. I turned over so I faced down into my mattress and let out a long ass groan. It felt good too let out some noise for once. I've been pretty silent most of my time here. Mostly because I afraid I would say something completely stupid or wrong. So I continued to groan.
I woke up to Lisa shaking my shoulder and whispering my name.
"Andy wake up now."
"What is it" I replied still feeling groggy.
"Do you hear that?"
I stopped and listened and heard what completely resembled the sound of a dyeing of walrus.
"Do you think that's River?" she persisted
"I'll go check to see if he's ok." I flipped my blankets off and headed over to rivers room. The noise was definitely coming from him. I opened the door and saw him laying face down. He stopped with the groaning but then he started singing Nirvana Smells Like Teen Sprit.
"With the lights out, it's less dangerous
Here we are now, entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now, entertain us"
I started chuckling because of his complete randomness causing him to jump out of his position.
"Shit. Oh God I'm sorry Mr. Dellen I didn't mean to wake you." he immediately responded.
"Don't swear and it's ok you weren't doing any harm."
"I'm sorry." he repeated.
I looked at him as he sat there wiping drool off his face. His hair was all over the place manly because he had tons of it. It was black and it reached just past his shoulders but there was so much it legitimately looked like a lions mane.
"Hey. Are you alright?" I asked because he was staring down at his sheets.
"Huh?" he looked up at me "Oh yeah im fine." he continued.
"You know if you ever need anything you can just ask us right?" I stepped closer.
"Y-yeah I know"
"do you know what time it is?"
"almost five I think"
"are you sleeping fine? Why are you up this early singing hardcore punk music" I asked as I gave him a nudge with my elbow.
He paused if thinking weather or not to answer me "I don't sleep.."
Trying to understand him I said "well we could take you to the doctors and maybe have them give you a prescription.." he cut me off before I could finish
"No. No! Not that. I don't want to take anymore pills.
"Ok. Ok. Calm down.. If you tell me why not I wont make you get them"
Again he paused but longer then the last time.
"I haven't slept a whole night since I was thirteen" when he stopped again I asked
"…I started having to hide at night. I needed to stay awake incase.. He.. Ever got close to me. And then I would get punished if I ever slept during the day." I was shocked by this. Mrs. Welsh told me he was abused neglected and raped but she never went into detail about it. I moved closer to him to try and comfort him when I noticed he was scratching at his wrists.
"Hey. Hey. Stop that." I said as I pulled his hands away from each other. He snuffled back his tears.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean too.." he broke down into tears. I pulled him into my arms and held him while I rubbed/pat his back trying to calm him down.
"it's ok." I kept repeating until his tears stopped.