After lazing about for my first week of summer as an adult I had gathered the energy for a bike ride. It had been a really warm night so I cycled around the local neighbourhoods for a lot longer than I normally would have. No need to rush back for anything or anyone. As social as I was I adamantly made alone time every day a priority and really cherished these small moments. Cycling had always been a favourite activity and my own time of self-reflection. Tonight's agenda: reflect on how to break up with the boyfriend.
I returned home well after the sun had set and headed straight for the "computer room" to go online and hopefully gather some inspirational ways to break up with a decent guy. My break-up with my first boyfriend (Matt's best friend) took the better part of an hour. Yes, I am also one of those people who peels off band-aids slowly and wades my way into a cold pool. Once the computer was ready to go I routinely opened MSN Messenger first and signed in. Within a minute an orange tab bar was flashing on the bottom of my screen.
Matt says: Sooo, did u have fun at the cottage?
~*Jaded Em*~ says: OMG you have nooo idea how much shit happened. Funny stuff mostly. But just…. Wow. Such a good time. A tree almost landed on my friend's car!
Matt says: say WHAAAT??
~*Jaded Em*~ says: lol yeah there was a storm on the second night and her car was parked way down the long driveway so we told her to move it in case the storm got worse and she needed to get stuff from her car. And I swear like an hour later lightning struck the tree and this huge branch cracks and lands right where her car was!
Matt says: Holy shit that is insane! Maybe there were ghosts playing tricks on u. hehehe silly ghosts.
~*Jaded Em*~ says: I wouldn't doubt it, u shoulda seen this place. More of a 1930's abandoned murder house than a cottage! Every morning we'd come downstairs to find another piece of furniture on the dining room table. Everyone swore they didn't do it but I have an idea of which two guys were behind it. At one point there was a couch, a loveseat, and two chairs on top of the table.
We made a few of the guys go down in the "basement" the night the power went off to flip the breakers and they saw something supposedly… everyone was screaming, freaking out, but laughing the whole time too."
Matt says: hehehe u definitely had ghosts. I wish we had something cool like that happen!
~*Jaded Em*~ says: Oh there's more, I'll tell you stories next time I see you. How was your prom and after-prom?
Matt says: Meh prom was okies… u know I didn't have a date so didn't care for the dancing part. The after-party at the hotel was good but kinda weird… Me and Lou crashed a party happening on the same floor and I was so close to hooking up with this chick!
~*Jaded Em*~ says: Haha oh no what happened??
Matt says: Okie like there was this really really cute girl who answered the door and I smooth talked her into letting us come party with them. She was totally flirting with me but I donno, u know I'm kind of shy and her friends wouldn't leave her alone. What if I made a move and she rejects me in front of all them? Would be so totally embarrassing right.
so for almost the whole night she is next to me squeezing my arm and laughing every time I made fun of Lou. And when I ask her if she wants another drink all of a sudden her friends pull her away and say she's not interested.
~*Jaded Em*~ says: Ugh that is so typical. Girls like that don't know what they want.
Matt says: No but like it wasn't her, it was totally her friends. One of them locked herself in the bathroom saying she was scared that me and Lou were gonna rob them or something.
~*Jaded Em*~ says: Lol wtf?! I swear you always meet the weird ones. Poor Mattie!
At this moment another tab starts flashing orange at the bottom. It's the boyfriend. I ignore it for the time being.
~*Jaded Em*~ says: So what happened then? You didn't hook up with her and didn't see her after either?
Matt says: Nope. No sex for Mattie hehehe. It's okay, I mean I wasn't looking for anything. If it happened then that's cool, but she just seemed like a fun girl. Would have been nice to have more time with just her, u know?
~*Jaded Em*~ says: *sigh* yeah I know. Don't worry, that makes two of us not hooking up at our proms.
Matt says: But you have a boyfriend. You don't even have to try to get laid!
~*Jaded Em*~ says: Haha yeah well, my boyfriend was actually falling asleep at my prom. He works nights at Loblaws and was really tired the whole time. He didn't even want to dance with me. Then he went to sleep within fifteen minutes of getting to my friend's party.
Matt says: Wow that's really shitty. But who cares if u had sex on prom night or not, it's all about the after party at the murder cottage! Meeeoww!
~*Jaded Em*~ says: Yeah…. About that…. Lol he didn't come.
Matt says: He didn't go AND he fell asleep at your prom? Wow what an asshole.
~*Jaded Em*~ says: No he's not an asshole, to be honest I didn't really want him to come…
Matt says: Oh okies… I don't understand. I thought u really liked him?
I bit my lip as I debated how to write my next sentence. I wanted to tell Matt that I hooked up at the cottage. I wanted to tell someone because it was killing me to keep it a secret. Matt would understand… but he might reconsider our "arrangement". We had been sleeping together casually for the last eight months but I didn't want him to think I was a total slut and stop hanging out with me. He already thought it was a bad idea that we kept hooking up since he believed he and he alone caused the break-up between myself and his best friend.
~*Jaded Em*~ says: He's really sweet and does all the cute boyfriend things that I think is supposed to happen in a relationship but… I just don't think he's the right guy for ME. I mean, he's twenty years old and he still has a curfew. And no driver's license, not even a G1. When he hangs out with me and my friends he just sits there and stays quiet.*sigh* I know I have to break up with him. I'm just not sure how to do it. Like he hasn't done anything wrong for me to get mad at him… he's just… I dunno.
Matt says: I think if you're not happy then u should tell him. If u wait around then I think it will only make it harder for u to break up with this guy. I know if it was me I would want to know sooner rather than later so I could get out there and find me some rebound sex!
I laughed out loud at this. Matt was shy in large groups and far from being a "player". Yet he could easily convey his would-be confidence through our chat sessions. I leaned back far in my chair and stared blankly at the ceiling for a minute. I straightened and leaned back over the keyboard.
~*Jaded Em*~ says: lol that was awesome. Thanks Matt. I know I have to do it, I just have to figure out when is a good time. Maybe I should get drunk first.
Matt says: lol yes alcohol is the answer!! You can only make good decisions with sexy alcohol.
BTW… u don't have to tell me if u don't want to, but did something happen at the cottage? It's just like, last week u were so excited to go to prom with this guy and the next week u want to break up with him.
I sucked in a quick air of breath. How on earth could he have guessed that?! He was a smart guy but he didn't always pick up on social cues.
~*Jaded Em*~ says: No, nothing happened. Been feeling like this for a little while now.
Matt says: Okies, but u know you can tell me if u want. I promise I won't think bad of u or anything.
I paused. Then I threw caution to the wind. I was going off to college in less than two months, who cares if Matt thinks poorly of me?
~*Jaded Em*~ says: Okay but PROMISE ME you won't say anything to anyone!!
Matt says: hehehe I promise Emma. I don't know your friends well enough anyway.
~*Jaded Em*~ says: Okay sooo, the night the power went out was when X kissed me. We were kinda drunk and he had been holding me in a bear hug cuz I'm scared of thunderstorms and then when the lights went out, he kissed me. Annnd I kissed him back.
Matt says: X? You're not gonna tell me his real name? It's not like I know him… or do I?!
~*Jaded Em*~ says: lol you're on a need to know basis! You don't know him, don't worry. Anyway when the lights came back on I asked Patrick if he could switch beds with X for the night because X was really upset about something and needed to talk to his oldest buddy about it.
Matt says: lol that is such a lame excuse. And he bought it?
~*Jaded Em*~ says: He questioned me a bit but in the end he slept in one of the other rooms.
Matt says: So u and Patrick shared a bed the whole time but u kicked him out so u could hook up with another guy instead?
~*Jaded Em*~ says: When you say it like that I sound like a slut! Patrick and I don't like each other like that so whatever, no issue there. I would have done the same for him. And I wouldn't in a million years expect anything to ever happen with X but… for the next three days we were making out a LOT. No sex, just making out. It was really good but I'm not sure where we stand now… I've known him for a long time, I really don't want to lose a friendship over this. He said the night he kissed me he felt really guilty cuz he knew I had a boyfriend and didn't want to be the cause of our break-up. But I didn't even care Matt, I just wanted to keep making out with him.
I stared at the screen barely blinking an eye, heart beating a little harder as I saw the truth of what I had done in front of me. How would Matt react to this? He said he wouldn't judge but maybe this would make him think twice about having sex with me again. I hoped this wouldn't be the case as I saw him typing a message, then stop, then start typing again, and repeat this cycle for the next three minutes.
Matt says: Wow I wish I was a girl. I would be having so much sex I would probably hurt myself.
I don't think you're a slut hehehe I think you're sexy and know how to have fun! But sounds to me this was just a one time thing, at least that's how Mr X seems to want it. Unless you're wanting it to be more?
~*Jaded Em*~ says: I don't think it would be right if we dated. And I don't think he likes me in that way anyway. You're right, it was just a bit of fun that won't happen again. Thank you for letting me get that off my chest.
Matt says: hehehe no probs! But I don't think u should tell your boyfriend about this when you're breaking up with him.
~*Jaded Em*~ says: lol yeah I'm already going to be breaking his heart, I don't want to pour salt in the wounds!
Matt says: Oh no that would hurt big time!
So… Emma is going to be single again hehehe. We should celebrate your freedom some time.
~*Jaded Em*~ says: What are you doing right now? It's a really nice night… maybe we could get some slushies and go for a drive?
Matt says: Stop reading my mind, woman! I was just thinking about going to Mac's for some delicious slushies. Should I come pick u up?
~*Jaded Em*~ says: Give me twenty minutes, I just gotta change first.
Matt says: Okies but we both know it doesn't matter what you're wearing ;) see you soon.
I smiled and was about to sign off MSN when I noticed the other orange message box still flashing at the bottom of my computer screen. My smile faded as I stared at it for a few seconds then signed off without even reading the message from my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend. If I was going to hell, I was gonna have a fun time getting there.