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Diaries of a Loner

By: lost love long forgotten

Chapter 1, Just the writings of a girl who wants to stop being a loner. She\'s sick and tired of being everybodies go to girl but when she needs a person to be there for her they all turn and leave.

Chapter 1: starting over

            “Sometimes the person who tries to keep everyone happy is the loneliest person. So never leave that person alone, because they’ll never tell you.”

            -Author unknown.

            I’ve been alone my whole life always being teased and bullied by everyone else. It surprises me that I haven’t succeeded in killing myself yet even though I already know I’m pretty much worthless to everyone else. Some people would assume that after having everything in your life always a mess that you’d somehow become a cracked, shattered person who’s falling apart at the seams. Not me though I am trying so hard to fight and be someone that will inspire others of course that’s always the dream I’ve had the only I won’t let die even though I’ve given up on all my other dreams. It’s hard to be a teenage girl who’s never wanted or ever chosen.

            I remember the very first time I decided I wanted to die. I was in the eighth grade and I was already so used to everybody shunning me that I decided I wanted to die. The thought that passed through my head at that moment was, “I hate myself and so does everybody else. Why should I hold on any longer? I don’t really inspire people and I’m already cutting myself why not just cut a little deeper and bleed out? Nobody will miss you.” It’s hard to admit but that’s still the thought that goes through my mind. That night, I did it I cut my wrists so deep and I was laying in my bed ready to sleep for eternity when my older brother who happened to come by for a surprise visit came into my room. Everything was starting to get blurry and I kept hearing voices the next thing I knew I was in the hospital I had to stay for a seventy-two hour watch. I remember thinking that my brother might actually care for me but he left me with the two people who were robots.

            To this day I want to die I just have to find a good time and place for it, a place where no one will try to stop me. I in a way feel like I’m letting my brother down and I don’t want to disappoint him but I can’t keep living with the fact that I will always only be his shadow. My parents want me to be just like my brother a lawyer I know it’s something I don’t want to do. My whole life I’ve tried to please others it just always backfires in my face and I end up screwing everything up. Too bad I’m not perfect. I’ve never shown my brother the scars I hide as a matter of fact I don’t think he even knows I still cut my wrists. The night I tried to kill myself he said to me, “You can’t cut yourself anymore ok Violet? I don’t want to get a phone call one day to find out my baby sister is dead, I love you even if you think your unlovable.” Those were his final words to me before he was taken away from earth. The day I lost my brother was the day I vowed I’d join him on the other side one way or another. My brother was killed in a robbery gone wrong and I always think that may be if I had died that day I would have somehow saved his life. I blame myself for every stupid thing that goes wrong in my life.

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