I sat in my room, staring off at nothing like I have been for most of the week. I was in even more daze now that Morgan was here, I was so pissed when I found out what happened to her and I was so happy to hear Phillip got that guy, Scott was his nameI believe, and beat him up without even getting charges pressed to him for it.
No one celebrated my birthday, only because I didn't want them to. They didn't understand why, but I just told them it was an emotional time for me. Ididn't want to explain to them how this week would be filled with fallen tears and break downs............
................"I'm going out." I called out, walking down the stairs as Igrabbed my car keys and sunglasses.
"Where?" Terri asked, looking at me suspiciously. I obviously wasn't going out to meet a guy because I had on comfortable sweats and a black sweater shirt with a hoodie ontop.
"Just somewhere." Isaid, walking out the door before she could ask again. I climbed into my car and drove to the florists, I got four white carnations before I climbed into my car and drove until I got to the cemetery.
I pulled up to their silver gates and sighed as I saw all the headstones that held what's left of the bodies of our loved ones. Seeing each tombstone Icould imagine the pain each person felt as they put the one they love or even loved in the ground for an eternity in the afterlife.
I parked and grabbed my flowers. I walked through the silver gates and studied the few people that were here. A woman sitting at a grave reading a children's book as she silently cried while she read the story to her child. An young woman, crying into her arms as she laid her head on the tombstone.
The smell of freshly cut grass and fake grass filled my nose as Iwalked slowly towards the middle of the thing. I was careful not to step on head stones as I walked, even I had morals on not doing that in case I woke the dead.
I pulled to a stop in front of the four tombstones that held the only people still alive who were related to me by blood. I stood in front of Andrew's tombstone, setting down a white carnation on his headstone afterI had wiped it off.
My fingers brushed over what it said on it.
Andrew Christopher Loxe
Loving Brother and Son
"You have no idea..." I said, stopping at my eyes teared up. "You have no idea how sorry I am. I would do anything to get you guys back. I know it's not possible and that I should get over it, but I can't. I loved you guys so much and I never had enough chances to tell you."
Tears leaked down my face and dripped off the bottom of my chin. "I made it to 18, and you would have been twenty on Monday. Abbigail would be the same age as me right now. It's all my fault that you guys didn't and you don't kno..." I trailed off because my voice was closing.
"You don't know how sorry I am.I wasn't lying when Isaid I would do anything to take back what I did. To have screamed when you guys died to atleast save some of you."
I had fallen onto my knees by then and I crawled over to Abbigail's stone. I laid the carnation on it and wiped all the dirt that had gotten on hers. I set the second flower on her stone.
My fingers ran over what is said on her stone as well.
Crazy and Loving Sister
"Happy late birthday, twin." I murmured, I was choking right now. "I wish I could see you guys, or atleast get a sign to know that your alright. I wish I could give you the 18th birthday present you really would want. I would want us to stand together and go out with friends as we got drunk and had fun at a night club with our fake I.D's like you always wanted."
"I hope you forgive me for doing this to you." I said quietly. "I don't know why I'm coming down so hard right now, but I am and I don't know how much longer I can hold on. The hole I'm feeling inside just gets bigger and bigger each day. I'm going to split in half soon and I'm not sure how much longer I can hold together. I wish I just would have died there along with you, it would save everyone all this pain. No one would have to suffer and you wouldn't have to look down at me with hatred as I lived to see my 18th before you and Andrew."
I moved onto my parent's stone, setting down their carnations. "Mom, Dad." I said quietly. "I miss you so much. I wanted to see you guys as you celebrated your anniversary. I wanted to see you guys as you had those stupid arguments and then would kiss and say sorry to each other.I want you guys to be alive with me so you could be with me when I go off to college and hold me when I cry because I failed one of my classes. I want dad to say not to get to drunk at one of those wild parties and then him go on and on about his college days. Mom, I want you to hold me when Ibreak up with someone and tell me everything will be alright. But I know if you guys were here, you would be unhappy too and I wouldn't be able to live knowing that you guys are suffering like I am now."
The hole I felt in my chest was growing bigger and bigger. I felt myself splitting, I wanted it all to go away or atleast to finish me off so I could be with them. I couldn't continue speaking, I felt if I would speak I would either die or I would keep living.
Right now I wasn't to sure which one I wanted.
Once I could find the courage to speak again, I said whatI really wanted. "I wish I could know that you guys are okay, that you don't blame me even though it feels like everything I've done to you and all those other families is my fault. I know it is my fault, butI just want to hear you guys aren't mad at me, that you still love me."
A butterfly landed on their tombstone and I broke down again. I fell on the floor, my head in my hands as more and more tears leaked out of my eyes. All the pain was coming and pressing against me.
A butterfly was Abbigail and mom's favorite insect, and dad and Andrew had a butterfly house much to their enjoyment.
The butterfly I hoped meant they still loved me because I think that's all I needed to hear right now. That they still loved me, that someone loved me.
Sobs racked through my body and I fell asleep, murmuring, "I'm sorry." Over and over again just before I passed out.................................