My therapist told me to start writing a diary to get my feelings out. Well, let me introduce myself to you. My name is Arlee Bachman and I'm 14 and a freshman in high school. My favorite color is purple and I enjoy horseback riding and playing piano. My best friends' name is Lauren Anderson (even though I can tell she would rather be around her other friends instead of me) and Aileen Ma. I love the bands Three Days Grace, Breaking Benjamin, Skillet, and many others. I hate liars, even though I lie. And the most important thing about me: I have depression and low self-esteem. I don't know how it started, but I have it. I never even thought I had depression until my mom got worried about me and took me to a physiatrist. On September the 17th, 2012, I was diagnosed with depression.
I'm not on medication. My parents don't believe in that kind of stuff. So I'll just have to cope with my depression with other ways, like writing in a diary. So let me tell you about my freshmen year with one word: Horrible. It started out great. I met so many people on my first day and I thought they were my friends. But one after another, I became invisible to them. I started to get ignored by both students and teachers. My grades started to drop and I became very insecure. Now I only have two "real" friends left. Lauren (who probably secretly hates me) and Aileen (only person who would love me till the day I die), and it's just my luck that they hate each other's guts. Great, and yes that was meant to be sarcastic.
So after I became invisible, I've felt like crying each day. I don't want to tell anyone at school. They'll either think I'm ungrateful or they will pity me and not actually try to help me. I won't tell Lauren or Aileen. Lauren will probably abandon me or judge me. I may tell her someday. But I will never tell Aileen. I don't want to make her feel like she is responsible for my depression because she wasn't around me as often as she wanted to be. I couldn't bear to be the one to make her cry. She's the only one I put on a fake smile for so she won't have to worry about me. I love her more than my own sister.
I really wish I had more to say for today, but I don't. Pretty pathetic first diary entry right? Oh well, what can I do about it. Most my entries will probably be mediocre or awful, so I apologize in advance for filling your lovely pages up with garbage. Can I give you a name? I think if I name you it will make it easier to write in this diary. I'll call you Marilyn, after my role model, Marilyn Monroe. Well that's for listening to my first entry, Marilyn. There will be plenty more to come.
Arlee May Bachmen <3