Ch.1 How do I Feel?
The feelings bottled up inside waiting for their chance to explode, might just have a chance to. I feel lost, betrayed, depressed, confused, alone, and I don’t know what to do. I feel like if I’ve entered unknown territory, and I’m an alien. I just don’t know what to think any more, and I don’t know what to do. There is no point. No point to my life, and my thoughts, and my words. They’re useless, I’m useless. I can’t seem to figure it out. The meaning to my life is something I can’t figure out. Wasting my days doing nothing except observing the people who are living. I feel like I’m not living actually, since I’m no one to everybody. People ignore me and although sometimes I tell myself I don’t care, I, in fact really do. What’s wrong with me that no one approaches me, or talks to me. I know, everything. I’m strange, a loner, and a pathetic excuse to be called a human being. And yes I have depression.
Depression-a mood disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty with thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal thoughts or an attempt to commit suicide--sounds just about right. I have depression and I like to thank my fucked up family for that, and their inability to care. You know, I’m starting not care anymore, at first I was so angry with my self for being the way that I am, but I gradually started changing and now I feel sorry for myself. So sorry in fact, that I’ve tried to end my misery. My suicide attempt was unsuccessful, obviously, and yet I can’t fight the urge to feel the pain again when I slit my wrists. Crazy, I know, but cutting is something I enjoy doing and well, I don’t plan on stopping any time soon.
My mom is just as pathetic as I am and I really wish she wasn’t, because comparing something to me is one of the lowest things I’ve had to do. She snores loudly as she sleeps on the couch, and it’s really starting to bug me. My dreaming of eternal rest was interrupted by that, and I don’t appreciate it. I quickly pass by her and notice the beer bottle in her hand. Typical mom, always drinking. No wonder dad left. I grab my messenger bag off the floor and grab the house keys from a little bowl sitting in a table next to the door. As I open the door to my house I take one last look at my mother and sigh deeply. I then purposely slam the door and scurry on to the street. I have no Ipod to listen to as I walk and so I listen to my thoughts instead, they are very entertaining by the way and quite intoxicating to my logic. I pass by all the houses with teenagers getting out and either meeting up with their friends to walk to school or they have a ride. I have neither. It doesn’t matter though school is just 10 minutes away.
School. Ugh, another thing I can complain about. This overly crowded school is where I feel my loneliest. People don’t pay any attention to me, and even my ex best friend Lucas doesn’t talk to me.
Lucas, he was more than my best friend, I was in love with him, and he was my reason for cutting. We were super close, and then that started changing. He developed a crush on one of the cheerleaders here at school and that bitch forbid him from spending any time with me, which at first he didn’t follow. But the thing that killed me the most about this whole situation is that he ended up choosing her over me. It hurt at first, but I’d rather not have him near than have him near and listen to him talk about Alyssa all day.
The first time I cut was when one day after school he came over to my house and told me that Alyssa was the One, and that he loved her. It broke my heart and instead of moping around I decided to take part in a different method of controlled pain. And don’t get me started about the time when he came over to my house at 2 am to tell me he and Alyssa had done it. That destroyed me. After that he grew more attached to her and the person I had once truly loved, no longer loved me back.
I enter the school entrance in a rather slow pace until I realized there is no helping it, I must go to school. I have one destination the library, that’s where I always go in the early mornings, it’s my refuge. I enter the big building and scan the room. I find my perfect table and I quickly go to it and sit taking out The Catcher and the Rye, my all time favorite book, and I begin to read. I hear an annoying chatter that I don’t usually hear, and I look up to see who it is.
Speaking of the devil.
It’s Lucas, but he won’t do or say anything, like I said before he ignores me and doesn’t even acknowledge my presence. I observe him and his Barbie slut. He has dark black straight hair, which I, at some point convinced him to keep the color instead of dying it brown. He’s tall, lean, pale-ish skin, blue eyes, and a wonderful smile. The Barbie is blond and thin. No need to expand on that, I don’t want to make her feel special. He has his arm around her and they are laughing together which is very disturbing if you ask me. They seem to be holding a book, it’s…it’s Twilight. Ha I knew it would be, she seems like the type. Clue less and stupid. Only she would want to read a story about artificial and unrealistic love. It was predictable---
“Excuse me, is this seat taken?” I look up wide eyed. What the heck someone is actually talking to me?! “Is this seat taken?” he says slower.
“Uhm, no” I say carefully. He pulls up the chair next to me and places his backpack on the table. I look at him Is he crazy?
“What’s wrong did I interrupt your obsession over that guy over there” he says as he bobs his head to their direction.
“Obsession?!” I burst
“Yeah, I saw the way you looked at him”
“How did I look at him?” I questioned
“Like you’re in love”
“Am not” I say stubbornly and cross my arms. Why am I even talking to him, I don’t know him or care to know him. I stand up gathering my things ready to leave when he asks,
“Did I say something wrong?”
“Leave me alone” I respond and I walk out of the library and head to the girls bathroom, there I know no one will bother me.