“Okay, I think we’re done here then. How are you feeling, Sophie?”
“I’m okay,” I said as he got up, walking me to the door.
“Good. Well all we can do now is wait. Get on with your normal life; don’t fret too much, ‘ey,” he told me, holding the door open.
“I’ll try not to.”
I said goodbye to him and as I walked out of the waiting room and into the street, it finally hit me, what we’d just done. It hit me so much so that I didn’t even think before doing what I did next.
“WE MIGHT’VE JUST MADE A BABY!!” I bellowed down the phone to Scott.
He laughed at the other end. “I know. How do you feel?”
“Amazing.” That’s just it, I did feel amazing. I had no clue whether it would work, but I felt amazing. There could be a baby about to grow inside me. And I felt pretty darn good about it.
So I did as Dr Callan said. I got up, went to school, came home and did homework. Ate well, didn’t drink, tried to rest as much as I could. Bought all the books on pregnancy that I could find. And tried the very best to not spend every single second thinking about whether it had worked. That last one failed, though.
I thought about it constantly the whole week afterwards. Whatever I was doing, it was on my mind. In bed at night I lay there, staring down at my stomach, wondering if there was something inside. Someone.
“Love, you need to get up now.”
My eyelids fluttered open to see my mum standing over my bed.
“What?” I moaned, rubbing at my tired eyes.
“It’s half eight, honey, you need to get up for school. I thought you were already up.”
Shit. I jumped out of bed, an hour too late, and quickly pulled on some clothes.
“Morning sleepy head,” my dad laughed as I headed to the breakfast table. He was chewing on a piece of toast whilst reading the morning paper. I poured some cereal and milk into my bowl and gulped it down, still feeling hungry. As I poured my second lot into the bowl I realised my parents were staring at me.
“What?” I said in between mouthfuls of cornflakes.
“You just seem to be very hungry this morning.”
At lunch that day I was still hungry, even after the giant breakfast.
“So Gael took me on his dad’s boat the weekend, oh my god it was amazing…” I tuned out of Lily’s conversation with me and Scott for some reason, my head beginning to pound. Even the water that I was guzzling down wasn’t helping. “…and it was so amazing, you know, and he kissed me as the sun was setting and…”
I felt really drowsy all of a sudden.
“SOPHIE!” I heard Scott shout but I couldn’t sleep. I just needed to lie down. Then everything would be better.
“Hey, you feeling okay?” Scott asked. I was laying on a table in one of the classrooms, Scott beside me.
“What happened?” I whispered.
“You fainted, Soph. Have you not been drinking enough? Or maybe you need to eat something?”
“I’m fine,” I told him, but truthfully I didn’t feel fine. All I wanted was to go to sleep. Nothing else.
My appetite seemed to grow and grow the next few days, and I honestly thought that maybe I could be pregnant. At Sunday lunch I ate my food quickly, savouring the taste of the chicken and roast potatoes and everything else on my plate. Towards the end of it I suddenly felt really funny.
“I’m just gonna go to the bathroom,” I excused myself.
“Mum,” I cried out a few minutes later, sinking to the floor.
She appeared in the doorway, her expression concerned. “I-I’v-ve sta-ar-t-t-ed,” I murmured, tears rolling down my cheeks, my voice shaky and uneven. She came to my side, wrapping me in her arms.
“Aww sweetheart. It’ll happen. It just wasn’t meant to be this time,” she soothed, her hands smoothing down my hair.
I pulled away momentarily, looking up at her. “But why couldn’t it happen now?”
She just stared at me, not replying, so I continued.
“You didn’t even want me to have a baby, you tensed up every time we mentioned it, so why d’you even care? I bet you’re happy I’m not pregnant.” I spat at her, my voice laced with acid.
“You’re my daughter and I love you,” she whispered.
“NO!” I screamed, “Don’t just give me that. Do you even want me to have a baby, mum?”
She looked at me and opened her mouth as if she was going to speak. I groaned and leant back against the wall. My own mum was against this. She was supposed to always be there for me. How could she be like this?
“It was the day I graduated high school. That morning, when I woke up, I rushed to the toilet, vomiting. I could barely hold it together at the ceremony. Afterwards, I took a test, and that proved it. I was pregnant,” she finally said. When I turned towards her, there were tears in her eyes. She wasn’t looking at me; her eyes were fixed on the wall. I didn’t know what she was talking about…she had me when she was 25.
“I didn’t know what to do,” she continued, her voice quietly gaining strength. “I had a steady boyfriend, but I thought he’d crack under the pressure. I thought he’d leave me. That I’d be in that cliché situation of being alone and pregnant as a teenager. My hands were shaking so much the night I told him. Nick, his name was. I remember summoning all the strength I had inside me just to utter those two words. I’m pregnant. He stood by me. He did what I thought he wouldn’t. He did stand by me. Each day I grew more and more attached to the little life growing inside me. We decided on a name. Anna, if it was a girl, and James, for a boy. Nick was so good through it all. I squeezed his hand so tightly at the birth I’m surprised he still had it afterwards. They told me it was a girl. Our little Anna. We were so wrapped up in what had just happened we didn’t realise there was no crying. I remember gasping out ‘Why isn’t she crying?’ while Nick ran towards the midwifes to see what was happening. I held her lifeless body in my arms for two seconds before they took her away…”
I grabbed hold of my mum’s hand as she came to a stop, her eyes vacant, as if she off in another time.
“I’m so sorry mum.”
A few minutes later she seemed to finally come back to reality.
“It’s not that I don’t want you to have a baby. I want nothing more than to hold my grandchild in my arms. But I was scared out of my mind when I had you. And I’ll be scared out of my mind when you have this baby. I can’t help that. I just can’t help it.”
I sank against her, my eyes stinging from all the tears.
After the talk I had with her, I went to my room, and I didn’t come out that night. I didn’t call Scott either, even though he deserved to know.
When I saw Scott the next day at school I tried to avoid him but that was futile. He cornered me after maths, a huge smile on his face, and asked how I was feeling. Even days later, I could still picture how his face fell at the news.
The day after the end of my period, I had a scheduled appointment with Dr Callan in the morning so I was missing the first few periods. I didn’t see the point of the appointment. It would only confirm the fact that it hadn’t worked. I skipped breakfast that morning and stood by the door at 8.40, waiting for my dad, wanting to get it over with.
“You ready to go?”
I spun around to see my mum walking towards me, car keys in hand.
“I thought dad was taking me,” I told her.
“I decided to take you instead. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Of course not.” I truly didn’t. In fact, I was glad of the support. I needed someone there beside me today.
We had the radio blaring on the way there which was another thing I was grateful for. I tried to sing along to my favourite song at the moment to try and take my mind off of things. I think it's time to let you know. The way I feel when you take hold. One single touch from you, I'm gone. Still got the rush when I'm alone. I think it is time I let you know. Take all of me, I will devote. You set me free, my body's yours. It feels the best when you're involved. I want you to take over control. Take over control. Take take take take over control. Oh oh oh, I want you to take over control. Plug it in and turn me on.
Even that couldn’t really help completely though. As we pulled up in a parking space I felt a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach.
“I feel sick,” I blurted out, then realised the irony of that. Great.
Luckily we didn’t have to wait long to see Dr Callan.
“Hello Sophie. Mrs Lane,” he greeted us, his usual smile adorning his face.
“Hello Dr Callan,” my mum replied, while I just took a seat, not saying a word. What was there left to say?
“How’re you doing then, Sophie?” he asked me. I could see the look on his face. He was hoping for good news, I knew it. I couldn’t even open my mouth.
“She finished her period yesterday,” my mum answered for me, taking hold of my hand. I mouthed a ‘thank you’ to her.
“How heavy was the flow?” he asked. I literally couldn’t believe it. I was expecting an ‘it happens sometimes, you’ll have better luck next time’, not that.
Both my mum and Dr Callan looked at me expectantly. “Erm, the same as usual I guess, maybe lighter…I don’t know.”
“Oh, well, let me examine you, Sophie.”
I stood up numbly, not even understanding why he would still need to examine me. But I couldn’t really stop him. It wasn’t as if this could make any bit of difference anyway.
About fifteen minutes I was sat back at the desk.
“I want you to have a blood test, Sophie, so if we could do that and maybe you could go and get something to eat and I will call you as soon as you need to come back.”
We both nodded and walked out, heading to the McDonald’s across the street for an Egg McMuffin. I just picked at mine. I didn’t understand why he’d needed to examine me or do a blood test. When I asked my mum she said maybe it was something to do with trying again.
Once we’d finished our meal we walked around the streets for a bit.
But according to him, I’m beautiful, incredible. He can’t get me out of his head, my phone blared out and I grabbed it out of my pocket, pressing the answer button. We’d had to give the hospital my number because my mum had forgotten her mobile.
“Hello,” I gulped.
“Hello Miss Lane. Dr Callan would like to see you now. Shall we say, around 12.30?” the receptionist told me.
“Yes that would be fine,” I replied, disconnecting the call.
My mum looked at me expectantly. “12.30,” I told her.
“Okay,” she nodded, and we both turned to head back in that direction. I didn’t really see the point though. It wasn’t as if Dr Callan could do anything yet.
I sat there in front of his desk, fidgeting in the uncomfortable seat as he rifled through papers.
“Sophie, I have to tell you sometimes, a little while after a woman has become pregnant, some spotting can occur.”
“What exactly do you mean?” my mum answered for me.
“That there can be a little light bleeding in some cases. Many women mistake this for their period. In most cases, they’re right and they are not pregnant, but in some cases, they may actually be pregnant. Which was why I had to do the examination and the blood test.”
“And?” we both blurted out. I was sat on the edge of the seat, on the verge of jumping across the desk towards him to find out for myself.
“During the pelvic examination I noticed that your cervix was closed and the blood test confirmed my suspicions. Even though it usually takes a few tries, I have to tell you, congratulations Sophie, you are pregnant.”
Sorry I took so long getting this chapter out. I’ve been trying to catch up on sleep after this weekend. I had an amazing time there, Afrojack was so good, and so were Dimitry Vegas & Like Mike and all the other DJ’s. It was an absolutely unforgettable experience.
I really hope you like the chapter and don’t hate me for updating sooner.
Thank you all so much for reading.