No going back
My appointment with Dr Callan was a few days away. And to say I was nervous was an understatement. I was at the point of shaking like a leaf.
After the little outing with Scott that day, I played the good little daughter and stayed at home in bed, doing exactly what I was supposed to. In the day I sat there reading or watching TV, in the afternoons Scott or Lily came over to visit me.
As the day dawned, I was just getting more and more nervous. I just wanted it all to be over, right now.
The morning of the appointment, I dressed in jeans and a long sleeve white shirt with the sleeves rolled up, regardless of the still hot weather, trying to look as old as I could. If he was going to make me make a decision like this, I had to look as mature as possible. Who the hell would trust me to have a child if I looked like some babyish little teen? I curled my hair and clipped it up on top of my head, letting the ringlets frame my face, and put on my gold cross necklace. I wasn’t in any way religious, it was a necklace that had been passed down in my family, and if I would ever need any spiritual help, now was the right time. I put on my best black sandals and took a look in the mirror. I didn’t actually know whether I looked older, but I felt older, and that wasn’t because of the clothes.
My mum and dad were waiting by the front door. As I passed, my dad gave my hand a reassuring squeeze. He knew exactly what to come, all except the decision that I’d made. The car ride was quiet and I didn’t try and change that, even when we were finally sat in the waiting room at the hospital, all of us nervously staring around us.
“Miss Lane,” Dr Callan said, coming out of his office, 3 minutes and 48 seconds later than the appointed time. I should know, I was counting the seconds on the clock.
I got up slowly, my parents following, and took a seat in front of his desk, one of them on each side of me. Moral support, I guessed.
“You’re looking well, Miss Lane. How’re you feeling? Have you been doing what we prescribed and having a rest?”
I took a gulp and cleared my dry throat before answering. “It’s Sophie. And, err, yeah, I have been resting. I feel a lot better now. I still get…pains….there…but not too often.”
“Very good, Sophie,” he replied, giving me a smile, “Now, about the question I gave you…”
“Yes, Dr Callan, I had always hoped to have kids some day,” I drilled off the answer I’d been rehearsing, “It was always something I’d just assumed would happen, something I took for granted, like I was just destined to get a great job and settle down with a great husband and kids. Now though, I’ve realised that I never should’ve just assumed that, ‘cause…things can change.”
“Well Sophie, you seem like a very mature young lady. I must tell you, there is one thing that I did hold back from you.”
“What?” my mum half screamed. My dad shifted in the seat beside me.
“There is a way for Sophie to have a baby.”
“Tell me. Tell us what is is. Tell us!” she continued, almost jumping out of her seat.
“Gloria,” my dad sighed, “Just let the man speak. Stop interrupting.” She huffed, but sat back in the seat, not saying a word.
Dr Callan’s eyes were fixed on me, and as I looked back at him, I realised that he could probably tell I already knew. “If Sophie were to have a baby now, the chances of her carrying to full term and a successful pregnancy would be very strong.”
My mum let out a cry, before whispering, “Have a baby…now…but she can’t…she’s too young…there must be some other way.”
I just sat there, silent, and held my dad’s hand a little bit tighter. We’d both had over a week to deal with the news, and we’d dealt with it, in our own ways. Mum was finding it out now and there was nowhere to run for her. Nowhere to hide.
“Gloria, how about we give Sophie a bit of time to talk with Dr Callan on her own? We’ll go and get a coffee,” my dad suggested, standing up. My mum unwillingly followed him, looking back at me as she left.
“So Sophie, what’re your thoughts? You’ve had a while to think about this, I’m guessing.”
So he did know then. “I guess I’m a little bit scared- it’s a scary thought. And then I’m thinking what if I ended up in that other 10 percent and went through it all and ended up with nothing. It scares me to death. But then I want a baby. I really want a baby. I want to be able to hold a part of me in my arms and sing it to sleep and be a good mum. I want a baby. I want to be ready for one. This is all just so hard.” Tears stung in my eyes as I finished. This wasn’t how I’d planned this conversation to go. I wasn’t supposed to cry.
“Here,” a box of tissues was waved in front of my face. I took one and said thank you to him. “I can’t say that I know what you’re feeling, Sophie, because that would be a lie. But as a Doctor, I have to try and put your doubts at ease. It is extremely unlikely that it would fail. I wouldn’t give you this option if I thought that it would just lead to disappointment. And it seems as if you have a large support network around you which would help you through things. Ultimately though, Sophie, it is your decision.”
I sat there staring at him. The thing was: I’d already made my decision. I just had to tell him that. There was no going back.
“You haven’t had enough time to think,” my mum told me, pacing around the hospital the hospital waiting room. “You need to think this through, Sophie. This is going to change your life forever.”
My dad was keeping quiet the whole time. “Mum, I have had time to think. I found out…I found out about this a couple of weeks ago. I’ve done nothing but think since then. I want a baby. I want to have a baby.”
“What? You found out? Why didn’t you tell us?”
“I wanted to figure it out, by myself.” I took a quick glance at my dad whilst I said this, who mouthed a ‘thank you’ to me.
My mum still looked unsure. She was that way the whole time we waited for my prescription to try and soothe some of the shooting pains in my abdomen, as well as the car ride home and even after that.
Finally, after hours of silence, I decided to get out of there.
I need to talk to you and Scott. Now xx I texted Lily, and surprising got a reply straight away. So she wasn’t with Gael at the moment then.
Come to mine xx
I quickly phoned Scott and told him to meet me at Lily’s.
“Dad, could you take me to Lily’s please?” I asked him as I headed to the living room. He was sat on the sofa on his own. My mum hadn’t come out of her bedroom since we came back.
“Of course I can, sweetheart.”
“Is mum gonna be okay?” I asked him once we were sat in the car and on our way.”
He kept his eyes fixed on the road whilst replying. “She’ll be fine. She’s just trying to get used to the idea. She didn’t have the time to think it through like we did. I honestly regret keeping it from her. She will come round to the idea though, and we will both be there for you. I’m proud of you, honey. You’re gonna be great.”
I kissed his cheek before I got out of the car. I loved my dad. He was always so right.
“So, tell me what’s going on,” Lily said once we were sat on her bed with a big bar of chocolate between us.
I popped a square of chocolate in my mouth before answering. “Lily. You have to promise me that you won’t tell a soul…I’m having me a baby.”
“What?” she squealed, wrapping her arms around me.
“What the hell did you just say?” a voice shouted from the doorway, and I turned around to see Scott stood there.
“Sorry I wasn’t there to let you in. Take a seat, we’ve got chocolate,” Lily told him, obvious trying to ease the tension that had just developed.
“Your mother let me in. But I’m more interested in what Sophie just said. How the hell did it happen, Sophie? Was it Drew? That worthless piece of shit…” His knuckles were clenched as he said this.
“Scott,” I grabbed his hands and pulled him over to the bed with us, “Don’t worry. I’m not pregnant.”
“But you said…” both of them chorused, and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“I said I was having a baby. Not that I’m pregnant. Grr, just listen, okay…”
So I told them everything. I had to go back a little bit further with Lily because she didn’t know about the Drew stuff. When I’d finished they sat there staring back at me, gobsmacked.
“I’m so sorry, babe,” Lily said, throwing her arms around me and almost squashing the chocolate in the process. “But, can I be godmother? Pretty please?”
A tear slipped down my cheek. “Of course you bloody well can. I love you.”
“Te quiero también, guapísima.”
“I don’t know what to say, Sophie,” Scott murmured, but he took hold of my hand and I was grateful for the support.
“So, how exactly is it gonna work? I mean, sperm donor obviously, but like, are you gonna go down the anonymous donor like in The Back Up Plan or d’you want to know who it is? You could do a Jennifer Anniston in The Switch and throw an I’m Getting Pregnant party,” Lily announced, and we all burst out laughing. Trust her to think about movies.
“Haha, I don’t know, Lily. I guess I’d really like to know who it was, then the baby could meet its father, but I wouldn’t want to be all open about it.”
“I think that’s a really good idea. You should be able to be close to the father,” Scott told me.
He was right. It would be good to get to know the person who was going to father my child. I grabbed another square of chocolate and laid back on Lily’s bed, sandwiched between two of the most important people in my life. As we talked, I couldn’t help but look down at my stomach and sigh. Soon there’d be a baby there. Soon. And surprisingly, I wasn’t scared right now. I knew that would probably change though.
“Can I come in?” my mum said, tapping her knuckle on my door lightly.
“Of course,” I replied, pushing my catch up work to the side.
She walked across the room and sat down on the edge of my bed.
“I am so sorry, honey. I’m sorry for how I’ve acted. Please forgive me, I needed some time to think and face up to it all. It’s not every day something like this happens. I always thoughts you’d finish school, get a job, find a man, then have children. Not do it all the other way round. But I need you to know, I’ll be there beside you every step of the way. I love you, Sophie, and you’ll be the best mum ever.”
I hugged her to me, wanting to be close to her. She was my mum and I loved her no matter what. I couldn’t believe that soon I’d be the mum and not the daughter.
“I’m gonna be a grandma. I’m too young!” she burst out, and I laughed, pulling her closer to me.
Hope you guys like the chapter and the way the story is going. I’m sure you’d all already guessed what her decision would be.
Thank you for all the lovely comments you’ve left so far.
And a favour to ask, please please please check out my short story 'Never Letting You Go' and let me know what you think. I would be so so grateful if you did.
Love you all