I'm still sitting on the ground with Kyra beside me and I can't help but notice that she has a look similar to the one she had when she grabbed my arm that one day. "I said is there something on your lip?" I repeat. A part of me wants her to say yes then wipe her lip, so that I know Kyra can't possibly be feeling attracted to me in a sexual way. Then a bigger part of me wants her to say no, so that I know she does feel that way about me.
"Um." Kyra replies and her eyes go back to the previous place they were looking. I think that she's looking at my lips, but probably not. I wonder if this is how I looked when I was staring at hers. What if she is looking at my lips though? What if she wants to kiss me? What if , what if oh no I feel a panic attack about to happen. I look away from her and start saying calm down in my head. Damn now once again I'm the nervous one.
"I think lunch is almost over." I say so fast that my words sound like they were a single word. I rise off the ground a little trying to quickly stand up, but then Kyra pulls me back down by my arm. I land back on the ground beside her.
"Jin, I." Kyra says then pauses to look at the ground then back up at me. She's still holding my arm. Oh, no here it comes, My heart beat speeds up a little and chest starts to hurt.
"Ky I gotta go." I say and stand up quickly pulling my arm from her. Kyra jumps up just as fast as I did.
"Jin wait!" Kyra yells and grabs my hand. All of a sudden my mouth gets extremely watery.
"Ky you don't understand I really have to go because I." I say quickly but I'm cut off. Not by words though. I feel something pressed against my lips and I know it's not a hand. Kyra's hands are wrapped around my neck and it's hard to comprehend that she's kissing me. My hands are to the side at the start of the kiss but then I place them on her back. It's weird because people always have a creative way to describe kisses.
They describe all different types of feelings, but I'm the type of person that doesn't do that. I'll just say that her lips are soft and the kiss is warm. Finally my panic attack gets the best of me and I have to quickly push her off. She looks startled and I place my hand over my mouth. I look past her at the trashcan by the bench,
I quickly rush past her and to the trashcan I move my hand from my mouth and throw up. Before I get labeled as rude it wasn't the kiss that made me throw up, well it was but only because it triggered my panic attack. I guess throwing up just now got added to my list of symptoms. I wipe my mouth and I don't want to turn around and see Kyra's expression. "I'm sorry." I say still facing the trashcan. After a while I feel a hand touch my left shoulder.
"No, I'm sorry." Kyra replies. I don't want her to feel bad so I just explain why I threw up. I don't really tell her about the panic attack thing I just say that I got really nervous and when I get nervous I throw up. I guess it was half a lie and half the truth.
"Ky, I really have to go." I say and walk away from her. I get inside the building. I probably just now made her feel like complete crap. She just now basically expressed how she feels about me and all I could do was walk away. Damn it, why do I have these stupid panic attacks. I do want to run back out there, but I highly doubt I would be able to make it before I flip out again.