CRAP! She probably saw the scars on my hands, but there is more where they came from. Now she defiantly isn’t going to like me now. She probably thinks I’m suicidal which I am but that’s not the point. Her eyes were still on me she wasn’t easy to figure out. She had fear, curiosity, and worry on her face. It was hard to tell what exactly she was thinking that bothered me. I heard the teacher’s voice and she looked away from me.
“Everyone listen up…today its poetry day so get your papers and pens out and start writing a poem about anything you want.” That was all she instructed us to do. This should be easy I said to myself.
“Your light came un-expectantly
It set my darkness free
Whenever you come by me
It feels like I can actually breathe
I’ve never felt so relived
Not since my dad kicked me onto the streets
I love the way you look at me
And I need to have you close to me
To stop this bleeding that I feel
And hopefully heal the bruise that ruins my world”
After I got done writing I slowly put the pen down and wiped away the tear that sat in my eye. Writing that made me think of when my dad kicked my older brother Josh and I out cause he thought we ruined his relationship with his girlfriend. We had no choice but to go to our grandparents, but of course they couldn’t take us so we both got sent to an Orphan center.
“Okay, it looks like everyone is done.” The teacher said “I want you to hand off your poems to the person to the right of you” I looked to the right of me, Cassandra…. Oh joy, this is going to be fun she is going to read the poem that I wrote about her maybe she might think it’s about another girl. Or what if she knows it’s about her? I was freaking out now I needed to take the drugs that I take when I feel like this but they were stashed away underneath my bed at the Orphanage. So I tried to do my best to calm myself down. Breathe, breathe, slowly I told myself to do. I think it was slowly working. I looked over at Cassandra again and she was ripping out her paper from the notebook. She sighed then handed it to me and I handed mine to her. Hers read:
Deep down my heart will always remain bruised16
I will never be fully healed
I will still feel abused
No matter how good I feel
That is what I get for loving you
I will never be the same again
I’m putting on this smile
To make it look like I’m past fragile
But it’s not working as well as I planned it to
I can’t hide what I feel
I wish none of this was real
I wish I left you when I still held my heart in the wrap and seal
But I unraveled the protection glue
Cause, I thought I knew
How I will feel when I thought I was, loving you”
Her work crushed me. Was this how she felt? Did someone make her feel like this? Or was she just making this up? No, this work is too good to just come out of nowhere.
I read the poem again, and again, and again. The hurt of this poem seemed to feel good like I knew how it was to experience this before, but I have never been in love with anyone before so it was impossible to know how she felt when she was writing this.
“Okay, I want you to put your comment on a sticky note about how you felt when you read each other’s poems.” The teacher said to us all. Sticky notes? I don’t even have one. So I had no choice but to raise my hand….and speak.
“Yes, Christopher?” the teacher called on me
“Uh I don’t have any sticky notes.” I said slowly
“Ask your partner to give you one then” she said to me
“Can I have one?” I asked Cassandra
“Sure” she said shyly and gave me one of hers
our hands touched for just a second, and I felt a blast of happiness flow right into me. She quickly looked away from me, and I felt myself smile for the first time in years.
I was falling for her way too quickly….It just wasn’t right. But the more I told my mind that liking her wasn’t right the more I grew attached to her. I doubt there is a way to stop this feeling now since I tried to end this and it just didn’t work.