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To Love and Lose

Novel By: Rat
Young Adult


Nick and Jen have pretty good lives, but when something goes horribly wrong, what will they do? View table of contents...

Chapters:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Submitted: Apr 1, 2008    Reads: 158    Comments: 5    Likes: 0   


 
 “You’ve got to ask him, Jen.” My friend Miranda tugged at my sleeve.
“I’ll think about it.” I rolled my eyes and laughed. We were hanging out in the hall beside my locker before class started. 
“Here he comes.” Sarah pointed. Nick was strolling down the hall as if he was the most important person in the school.
“Hey Jen,” he smiled as he passed, and my face got hot. I knew it was bright red.
“Um…Hi, Nick.” I gave him an awkward wave. “Did you want to go to the party with me?” I blurted before I changed my mind.
“Okay.” He smiled again and walked away. I watched him leave, and then Liz giggled. 
“What are you going to do?” 
“I don’t know… I think I’ll go.” I said.
All of their eyes flashed in happiness.
“We have to get you a new wardrobe and give you a make over.” Miranda squealed and grabbed my arm.
“What if he likes the way I am?” I smoothed my pink t-shirt self-consciously. 
They gave me a very weird look like I was crazy. But I took the offer and I ended up looking fabulous. 
When we went shopping they took me to the most expensive salon in town and I ended up getting an up-do. We also went to Macy’s and I got a baby blue dress with sequins. I told my friends I would wear the blue high heels that I have at my house.   Then we went to the mall’s T.G.I Fridays for dinner.
“So when is Nick going to call you?” Liz asked excitedly.
“I don’t know. I hope he calls soon!” I said mesmerized.            


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Comments:

yonaika
(not registered user)

it seems like a good plot, but you could had a little more description! It all goes a little too fast, like someone comes and says "Hello" and the other says "i am okay. thank you."
You know what i mean?
It is just a little too fast and all. -^^-

Posted: Apr 1, 2008

Author Comment:

i'm sorry i'm new at this type of thing. thanks for reading:)

Tor Steinsland
(not registered user)

Hi. I just noticed your stuff, and this is all I have time to read just now.

I will read more as soon a possible.

Discriptions, how much and when? That's not easy, I find that some pices are all description, or flavor as somebody calls it, and some have less or little of it.

I'm a man of action myself, and so far your description was enough for me. I don't need to know how many birthmarks Jen has to enjoy the story.

Posted: Apr 20, 2008

Author Comment:

hah hah!!! i'm glad you like it. thanks for reading. i hope you like the rest:}

It was good, but it went a little too fast for me. I agree with the fact that you need more details in it, ya know, beef it up a bit. Keep working, it's a really good start!
Your Book Loving Friend,
bibliophile

Posted: Apr 24, 2008

Author Comment:

i know it is too fast but that was my very first story i typed so it isnt very good. thanks for reading and i'm glad you like it:}

Since diz iz ur first story, i wont say anything.

Posted: May 30, 2008

Author Comment:

okay thanks i guess

Think of your story as a series of beads on a string. Each moment is one bead. The title of the chapter is "Ask Me". Anything that isn't about him asking Jen out you can cut. I would cut everthing after “What if he likes the way I am?” Why? The going to the mall and dinner clutters the flow of your story. That's why other comments suggestion that your story is a "little fast". If you wanted to add description I would focus on fleshing out Jen's girlfriends and their relationships. Just a thought. :)

Posted: Jun 1, 2008

Author Comment:

i know this story is a little fast but it is because it was my first story and i really didnt get on how to right a story, but thanks for reading



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