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Nick and Jen have pretty good lives, but when something goes horribly wrong, what will they do? View table of contents...
Submitted: Apr 1, 2008 Reads: 152 Comments: 5 Likes: 0
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it seems like a good plot, but you could had a little more description! It all goes a little too fast, like someone comes and says "Hello" and the other says "i am okay. thank you."
You know what i mean?
It is just a little too fast and all. -^^-
Posted: Apr 1, 2008
Hi. I just noticed your stuff, and this is all I have time to read just now.
I will read more as soon a possible.
Discriptions, how much and when? That's not easy, I find that some pices are all description, or flavor as somebody calls it, and some have less or little of it.
I'm a man of action myself, and so far your description was enough for me. I don't need to know how many birthmarks Jen has to enjoy the story.
Posted: Apr 20, 2008
It was good, but it went a little too fast for me. I agree with the fact that you need more details in it, ya know, beef it up a bit. Keep working, it's a really good start!
Your Book Loving Friend,
bibliophile
Posted: Apr 24, 2008
Since diz iz ur first story, i wont say anything.
Posted: May 30, 2008
Think of your story as a series of beads on a string. Each moment is one bead. The title of the chapter is "Ask Me". Anything that isn't about him asking Jen out you can cut. I would cut everthing after “What if he likes the way I am?” Why? The going to the mall and dinner clutters the flow of your story. That's why other comments suggestion that your story is a "little fast". If you wanted to add description I would focus on fleshing out Jen's girlfriends and their relationships. Just a thought. :)
Posted: Jun 1, 2008
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