My mind spins and my heart tells me to go on. How am I meant to go one? How was I ever meant to even breathe after this?! What am I speaking about anymore? I've gotten lost in my own thoughts that I can't even recall on what I was even trying to explain. Or what I was originally angry at.
I let The Shirelles play endlessly on my laptop, letting their hopeful and cheerful voices fill my soul. I need to stay in a happy mood if I'm meant to repeat this story. And not just repeat, word after word but state it correctly with my feelings to match.
"Everybody wants to rule the world," I echoed after Tears for Fears on my laptop, when I'm sad I tend to listen to catchy 80's songs so I don't dwell on my sadness to long. And it's probably the only song that I love for only its catchy hook and beat, but not it's lyrics. I, like the rest of the world I'm guessing, am lost at what the true meaning to this song is. Maybe it's that life is a onetime thing and you shouldn't dream about small things, but big things. Like ruling the world? Maybe....hey it's only a guess.
But back to why I'm so freakin' mad, well not mad, just confused really. So let's start with the back story alright and then work backwards....
. It's October and Halloween is three weeks away. I'm a Junior now and all I can think about is the summer that's still blissfully glued in the back of my mind. It was a short and sweet summer that got rained on with a awkward relationship that wasn't meant to blossom, but it did. And hey, when he asked me to be his girlfriend he didn't do it that well, so I had to say no. Wouldn't have you to a guy who says:
"I wish I was a girl." He had sighed.
"Why?" I was kind of shocked.
"So I could go to your house without your mom freaking out. Your female friends can go to your house without a problem AND we'd be lesbians together."
"I'd never be a lesbian. I don't like girls."
"But it would just be me in girl form, wouldn't that be fun?"
And by that time I had to tell him he was a good friend and nothing more. He freaked out and stopped talking to me in all and started to avoid me when school started up again. But hey, at least I didn't lie to him and lead him into a relationship that I never wanted. That would have been just wrong.
I sighed in deeply and tried to think of a reason to why I should have the conversation with my mom again and no it's not the 'dating life talk', I already knew the answer to that-it was NO or NEVER! It's just about my cell phone. I'm the small percentage of the world that doesn't have a cellular device. Sickening I know, I'm a teenager in America, why shouldn't I have one? I go to a big high school and I still DON'T have a cell phone. Sure I had one in seventh grade and all through freshman year, and for some random-stupid-reason my mother-the woman who is the cause for me to be phoneless and the woman who brought me into this world-thought it would be better for me to not have one. In other words we're too poor. Yes, stupid Bush messed things so much that I, a middle class sixteen year old, can't get a phone. He really did mess thing up for everyone, and I mean even me.
And do you know how embarrassing it is when someone-and I mean males-ask for your number and when you tell them you don't have one they simply say.
"What? What do you mean you don't have a PHONE?! How do you live?"
I would just shrug like it's not a big deal and nod my head, "I get around." And try to make it sound like life's still the same without it, that I actually see the world clearer, that I see all the colours around me brighter and notice things better, listen more to my mother, and care about the world around me. Ha! Load of crap I tell you. It's only been about a couple a months without it and I can't seem to see how life would be for people who were before us...how did they live? Just kidding. I get it, I wasn't even obsessed with me cell when I had it, but after freshman year I actually stopped dressing like mommy's girl and like the "I-have-no-f*cking-clue-what-I-am-wearing-and-why-I-am-wearing-it," but it all ran in the lines of what I always wore. Blazers, dark cloths, black vans, crazy curls, and cardigans.
Alright so now that you're caught up on who I am-or what I look like and act like-let's get you sped up on what I was freaking out about in PAGE ONE.
So there's a guy, isn't there always? The guy's name is Ren, but don't get your hopes up, I've known him for about month. I know it's not that long...but keep listening things get weird. Alrighty then, so he's a cool guy, nice, and my sister-who's a 12th grader-likes him, not like that guys, but in the "You should date him, because I don't find him annoying or rude!" but this guy has one flaw. Well I actually have a flaw. I'm six one which is very tall in my case, and the guy well he's five four-very short in his case. He doesn't seem to mind it, but I kind of do.
And I know height should be out of my thought and I should only see this guy for who he is because he must be doing that for me since I'm so oddly tall. I didn't even know I thought of him like that till I got someone to find out what he thought at first. And like she had suggested he did like me, and I had shrugged like I didn't care...but that wasn't what was rooming in my head. I am not like anyone else, when I find someone finds me interesting in me I get all jittery and happy for no real reason. I try to seem more interested in who they are and try to make real conversation. Really get to know them, y'know.
And THIS is when things start to get messy. So this guy, Ren hangs with this one girl, Marie. Sure I should get mad at that, but I'm not, she's a sweet girl, and if I knew her before him I would have seen her as friend.
So my sister name is, Sunny, the one who asked Ren if he liked me and who dated the guy, Finn, the guy I'm about to talk about is probably the most irritating, stupidest, craziest, cockiest bastered I've ever met, but I still consider him a somewhat friend-SOMEWHAT. I still hate him though. So Finn's always had this thought that Marie and Ren REALLY liked each other, and sure they kind of did I guess-they might have since they hung out so much-but Ren never did anything about it, and Finn found it weird that they never did anything about it. I knew why, and so did Sunny. When they were together she would shut him up about it, but now that they weren't he actually tried to get them together. I wasn't there of course, but it didn't work out and I saw Ren walk into the building telling Finn to shut up and not to do anything.
"I was trying to hook you up! She likes you."
"I don't need your help."
I was lost and I even stated it, but I didn't know WHAT was going on until I asked Sunny who explained it to me. I was secretly happy that it failed, but hey I should be mad at Finn now right? He's the reason for me even writing this.
So after school Sunny, Finn, George (Finns best friend who has a crush on Ren, yes that Ren-he even wrote him a love letter) and I talk after school. We actually had a good time; it was the first time in a long time since they broke up that we all just talked.
"So I asked Marie what was going on with her and Ren-"
"Really?" I asked. I was already mad that he was snooping around in other people's relationships.
"Well, she told me that Ren told her that he wanted to test it out unofficial for a week or two, and if it's okay then they'd really date. Stupid huh?"
"Stupid? We should have done that..." Sunny said.
"I really do think you guys still have something," George added.
"But don't you think it's stupid? Fake dating?"
"It's called trial and error. Testing out what you have before making a relationship out of thin air. Making sure if they're ready for it. I think it's a smart idea."
"It still sounds pointless."
When I got home it was ten at night, we had a school show and I had sung in it. I was tired and I really thought I would fall asleep after I got under my sheet. But I didn't, I cried. For the first time in almost a year I cried. For the first time in two years I cried about someone that wasn't related to me, I actually CRIED for at least a good twenty minutes just thinking about the month that I wasted. I wasn't even sure why I was crying, but then I finally got it.
I knew that Ren and Marie would really like each other. That they would probably be together for a LONG time because they had so much in common and they already hung out on a regular basic, so why wouldn't it work out? I knew that if they did break-up, which seems unlikely, that Ren would get out of that relationship sad, heartbroken, and that I would just be "The Girl After" and not the one you'd remember. Sure he thought I was "Pretty" and I can list tons of guys I find attractive! Sure we got along and I found him funny. I can list tons of guys who can do the same....guys who are my height. But I want to stop listing...I want to stop thinking about guys who would be BETTER than him, because of course there's always someone or thing better than what you have...we're human, we do that, we compare and we contract, we do it until we get bored, and still after that as well.
I am somewhat angry at myself too, I think if I would have-what DONE something? NO that would have been too much...but it must be my fault somehow right?
*Sigh* I just don't know why it hurts this much, was it that I thought it would have worked? Or what? Was it that I actually liked this guy? Possibly. But we'll probably never know now all because of stupid old Finn....Thanks pal.
I log on to my email and notice I have a notification from Facebook telling me that Ren is now in a relationship....well isn't that swell. I sigh deeply and try not to let the disappointed sweep over me.
A little quick I know, but still, I thought I might have gotten a heads up, a sign before that got thrown in my face. I log onto my Facebook and check it for myself, but it says Single, still in bolded blue letters. I go back to the tab that had my email account, I look at the date of the email, it was eight hours old. Had he read my status and change his relationship status? The post that was obviously about him and what I expect to happen if I show to school on Monday pissed as hell or if I accidently catch them do something couple like…it had read:
"When life becomes this thing of disappointment and pain, all you
can do is lose and not gain. You're smiling one second loving
life, then boom it's out of sight. All the good times have become
sour and they've lost their POWER.And when people start to ask,
it makes things even worst to even repeat what's truly on your
What the REAL REASON is to why you even cried or to why it hurts to breath when you reminisce. Then you noticed it's the people who ask, who make it a task to know. Well not all of them, everyone around you-the ones you trust-are the chain reaction to what's really going wrong. But they think they haven't done anything BAD, they know they haven't-and that's what hurts the most."
I had made it in a rush thinking it would be a good way to just through on my status, I hadn't really written anything in a while, and everything I did, Ren had commented on, so I assumed that he might have read it. Maybe he did, maybe he got the message…I hope so and if he asked me anything on Monday, then at least-I don't know. We'll have to wait and see, huh?