Just going to go over some grammar and I hope you don't anything the wrong way since I'm only interested in giving you constructive criticism.

I am Moon and I(('m)) new with(('to' instead of 'with')) this dariy((Spelled wrong)) thing.

Well, I guess the reason why I'm writing this dariy((spelled wrong)) is because my doctor said too(('to' not 'too'))(something about stress and stuff).((Period not needed unless its the end of the sentence is so, than cap 'so')) so here it goes...

My hair an(('is' instead)) slikly((Misspelled)) brown that flutters((Flutters implies a butterfly which isn't very graceful)) gracefully down my back... (('or' imput here)) so I(('ve)) been told. I have warm milk-chocolate((No - needed)) skin (Mmm)((is the skin yummy or the idea of milk chocolate?)) and well that(('s)) all about how I look.((Is that really all? Eyes? Does she think she has any imperfections? Any scars?))

I ((insert something like 'was' or make 'I' 'I'm')) just hoping my boyfriend would get off his lazy butt and ask me to marry him ((insert 'already' to add emphasis)) ~cross fingers~. ((Cap))but everytime((Seperate words)) I even((Not needed)) talk about marriage he would(('just' might be a better word here)) get((If you use just make this plural)) nervous. Still I'm crazy in love with him and he'll come around. ((Cap))anyway I have to go to an((just 'a')) beauty contest and then a photo shot. I'm an(('a')) model.

I finally told Mikami [about how]((Replace with 'that')) i((cap)) want to be more then just his girlfriend. I told ((him that)) we already had two kids together and how I want to get married, then he just laugh((plural)) and sad((said)), "Are you serious."((Question not a statement)) I don't know what that means.
I said((replied might be better)), "((cap))wait? you don't want to get marry((married))."
((Cap))he just kept laughing, and said((how did he say it?)), "Whatever makes you happy."
then ((Cap))[i stupidly]((consider reordering these words)) said, "so((if its kinda stupidly she might draw it out with a '...')) yes!"
"Urm...((space))no."
Then he quickly moved the converstation((misspelled)) to something eles((misspelled)). I(('m)) sad right now, because ((cap))i'm [deeply in love] ((rearrange or reword like "I'm so in love" or "madly in love" or "I love him deeply")) with him. And now my family ((is)) starting to talk about how weak were are and everything, since we can't make an real conmitment((misspelled)). ((cap))so now ((cap))i'm crying, but Mikami telling me to suck it up.


There, done on the grammar part. Not to analyze the story. Overall the story relates to what some people are going through but there's no way to relate to the character other than she has a few kids. Try and tell us about the good times with her BF! I want to hear happy stories to balance out the ass that the guy seems to be. Tell us about the kids, some of her hobbies, pass times, worries and what not. Make her seem a bit more real.

Sorry if I seemed to tear apart your piece but it has real potential! Just add a bit more to flesh it out and make your characters seem a bit more like people we can care about. Show the flaws and reasons why the characters do what they do.

Also, do they live alone? Whats their living situation? What does he do? Where do they live? Whats the reason behind Moon's name? Why does the boyfriend have a Japanese sounding name? Is he jap.?

Posted: May 7, 2008

This is a really great start to something. Sure, as Starlit Rogue mentioned, there's some grammatical errors, but I know if you clean it up a bit and just throw yourself into it, it can come out really great!!
Keep up the writing!
MA

Posted: May 20, 2008