The next afternoon I walked to the post office to pick up my
mail. I only did this once a week because my mail never got to be
over five items, most of which were junk mail and got thrown away
before I left the post office.
Today however was different, today I had one letter. An actual
letter, hand written and addressed to me, I recognized Mason's
I walked to my car and sat behind the wheel opening it slowly.
Writing was Mason's best way to express himself and I was scared
at the raw emotion that seemed to be flowing out of the letter,
just by the handwriting, I couldn't imagine what the words said.
I did know that if you ever wanted Mason to be entirely honest;
ask him to write it for you.
I ran my hand over his writing before I began.
"Dear Bella," those two words made me cry and now, after an hour,
I am finally able to pick up the pen again. You see, this is the
last time I will call you "Dear Bella," in fact, it is probably
the last time you will want to hear from me ever again. The thing
is, this isn't fair to you. I'm never there with you, I don't
know what's going on in your life, I'm sick, I have too much on
my mind, it's not fair…it's not.
So now, I beg you to understand. I will always love you; I won't
ever love another girl, ever. But I want you to love someone
else, someone more deserving. You can do so much better; I just
wished you would have listened to that advice when your father
gave it to you all those years ago. I'm not right for you, I'm
too…oh, I'm to me.
You may not believe me Bella but I believe me and I want you to
too. It seems as though I fail at everything I have a strong
desire to succeed in. I failed at music, I failed at doing good
in school, my grades are awful, I failed at being Lauren's hero,
the one who checked for monsters under Emi's bed, I failed at
being the farmer dad wanted me to be, I failed at being a
brother, a son, but I won't fail at this.
You. You mean so much to me, so, so much. I can't fail at us too,
I just can't. So I am quitting. I know, I used not to be a
quitter but it's got to be better than failing.
I love you, I really do Bella. I, I always will.
Please understand me.
If you don't, that's understandable.
I screamed at the steering wheel as I cried for hours.