I woke up to a sterile white room. I knew immediately where I was, just not why I was there. I heard a heart monitor next to me, beeping in time with my heart, and found an IV stuck in my arm.
I sat up, or attempted to, and was overwhelmed by my headache. Dizziness overtook me and I laid back down fast.
“Honey, are you awake?” I saw mom’s worried face look down at me. I knew I should answer her, give her some relief, but I couldn’t. I simply drifted back to unconsciousness. I still wasn’t sure why I was in the hospital, but I didn’t want to think about it, soon, sleep came my way.
Then I saw it, in a flash it was over, headlights, horns blaring, bloodied, severed bodies. All these things came to me in my dream and when I woke up; I no longer felt my cursed headache.
I didn’t feel anything. I was screaming. Screaming. Screaming. Screaming. I wouldn’t stop for anything. The nurse came in, then another. A doctor in a white lab coat came in, still I kept screaming. Wordless screams that meant nothing to anyone but me. And I didn’t even know what they meant to me, except that if I didn’t scream I thought I would die.
My heart ached, a real, physical ache, and I wanted to rip it out. Nothing had ever been more painful than this; I could feel it throbbing wildly under my skin and clawed helplessly at it. I saw my mom and dad standing in the background as nurses and doctors surrounded my trying to ease me out of my tantrum. Mom’s face was tear streaked and dad had an arm around her. Emi was in a recliner chair in the corner looking terrified and Bella and Mason stood in the doorway, panic evident on their faces. I saw all these people, people that loved me and that I loved, and I knew, somewhere deep inside, I knew, that I should be calm for them. They needed reassurance, who knows how long I had been in the hospital.
Finally I managed to scream a word instead of just a scream. When the word came out, it didn’t stop, it seemed as if my whole being depended on this, like I thought if I said it long enough I could fix the past, but I couldn’t. Still that didn’t stop me.
“Jayson!” my voice rang out, helpless and full of fear.
At this, Bella began sobbing loudly; I looked at the doctor who stared at me with wild eyes, like I was insane. I screamed at him again, “Jayson! Jayson! Jayson!” but each scream seemed more unsure until I was sinking to my arms, cradling myself, and whispering it, “Jayson? Oh, Jayson?”
The doctor and nurses left me; I figured they knew nothing could be done. They might have medicine for about anything else, but nothing would heal my broken heart. My mom came over and sat tentatively on the corner of the crisp hospital bed.
“Lauren, please honey, are you alright?”
My mom whipped a tear from her cheek and then used her shirt sleeve to take away my falling tears, “Lauren, say something?”
I sniffed, “How long have I been here?”
She sighed, “Four days,”
I nodded, “Where’s Jayson?”
My dad cleared his throat, “Lauren, they buried Jayson two days ago.”
The room went dead silent. Nobody said anything.
My eyes began to water again, “He died, didn’t he?”
Mom nodded wordlessly.
I sobbed loudly and heavily.
“He didn’t deserve it, he was…… why him? Anyone but him, me, take me, please, please…”
I was crying into the pillow, rocking back and forth.
Why did Jayson have to die? Why him?
Emi walked forward, “Lauren, he loved you.” She said simply.
I looked up at her, my hair was stuck to my face and my eyes were puffy and red.
“I know.” I said.
One by one my family trickled out of the room, I needed to be alone and they sensed it.
I was surprised at my ability to stop my tear flow. I stood up and walked to the front desk
“I’d like to go home now.” I told the receptionist.
She glanced up at me, “I don’t know if that-“
I cut her off, “I’m leaving. Thank you; goodbye.”
I walked out the door of the hospital and no one came after me. I didn’t have to ask where Jayson was buried; there was only one cemetery in our town. I walked slowly to it. The sun was setting and it was chilly. Goosebumps covered my arms as I walked towards the green grass.
I scanned my eyes over the field and saw a fresh patch of dirt. I walked to it and read the engraving silently.
Here lies Jayson Parker Matthews
May his heart find rest
And his soul find peace
As he travels to the place
Where he deserves to be
Loved by all
As he loved all
Rest in Peace Jayson
I rested my head on the cold stone and cried softly. Jayson was here, I hadn’t gotten to say goodbye. I missed him. Oh God, I missed him. I didn’t know what to do, but I remembered when Jayson was upset, he’d get silent. He said he was praying.
So I gave it a try, “Dear God, tell Jayson I love him. I don’t know why you had to take such a young innocent person. It ruined my life. Don’t you see this? Why? What was the point? I love Jayson. You took him from me! How could you?”
I stood up, I didn’t know if God heard me, or was happy with the way I was handling the situation, but I personally didn’t care at the moment. I was angry at the world. No one deserved this.