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Jenny Lakes is just an ordanary girl. One day things start to go horribly wrong. Jenny must escape, men are surrounding the house. What happens when she gets captured? Will she survive and will she ever see her brother again? View table of contents...

Chapters:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18

Submitted: Aug 14, 2008    Reads: 636    Comments: 7    Likes: 1   


Chapter 1

‘BANG! BANG!’ They heard the sound again. What it was the two children could only begin to image, but one thing was sure, it was getting closer.

Jenny nudged her elder brother, ‘Go and find out’ she demanded with a quivering voice.

‘Why me?’ her elder brother retorted, trying to sound brave but failing

‘You’re the brave one!’

Jenny crept to the carpeted entrance of their house, an old white washed Victorian. Her gold ringlets had untangled themselves from her pony tail and found their way in front of her eyes. Jenny’s birthday was only five days ago, she turned 17. Their parents had died two years ago in a car accident; they were not permitted to see their parent’s bodies, as they were too badly mutilated. Jenny and Paul were left in the care of their Aunt Ethel. Their only surviving relative, that was, until she disappeared three days ago.

Jenny’s whole, slight body was shaking from fear and her large, deep blue eyes were red from crying. Her brother, Paul was a thickly set young man of nineteen, he looked a little afraid, but he was determined not to let his sister know he was afraid. She may easily have noticed the lack of colour in his face had it not been for the next

‘BANG!’

The glass in the house shook that time. ‘Was that a gun!?’ Jenny observed. She was peering out the white French doors. Shock suddenly filled her face and she let out a loud gasp.

‘What is it Jenny?!’ Paul demanded as soon as he noticed the fear fill her face.

Jenny couldn’t reply, she just pointed out the window towards the edge of the woods with a visibly quaking arm. Their parents had always prized their privacy. Aunt Ethel had chosen to move in with Jenny and Paul Lakes in order to keep them in familiar surroundings and help them cope better with their grief.

Paul glanced out the window, where his sister was pointing; black shrouded figures were appearing from the forest surrounding their property. There must have been around twenty of them, all stealthily moving together, towards the house.

‘I think we should get out of here!’ said Paul, shocked.

Jenny raced after her brother towards the back door. He flung it open only to reveal the black figures hurtling towards the house, large black guns raised at the ready. Jenny immediately slammed the door shut, pushing her back up against it.

‘What do we do now?’ Jenny whimpered

Her terror was not helped by another…

‘BANG!’

This time the gun had been aimed at the house. A large piece of wall was blown inwards, metres from where Jenny stood.

‘S**t!’ exclaimed Paul as he grabbed Jenny’s hand and dragged her towards the basement.

She lingered at the top of the stairs; she had never liked dark places and the basement was nothing but darkness.

They stumbled down the stairs, shutting the door behind them despite their haste.

‘Where do we go now? Where can we hide? There is no way out!’ Paul was too busy to hear his sisters petrified voice. He was peeling the couch back from against the wall, sliding a panel across and revealing a dark space behind.

Paul grabbed his sister and shoved her inside, ignoring her protests; he slid the panel back in place.

“Paul!”Jenny yelled to her brother, she could not leave him behind; he was her only family left, the most important person to her in the World.

There was a slight hesitation before he responded “Jenny, I need you to turn around, that is a tunnel, run until you reach the end then head up. It will take you out in the forest. Don’t stop running. We will meet up again at our old school four miles away. If I don’t arrive there within three hours of you, go on without me! Hide, I need you to be safe.”


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Comments:

:) Ok I'll start with the plus side:
I drew me in quickly, and kept me steady reading ti the whole way through.
Both characters are already believable, and the mesh well together.

On the negative side: Well I think it moves to fast, You need to run through the characters mind. Also be a little more descriptive. and Use shorter sentence to build up tension
Bang.
the door flung open.behind it stood a man.in all black.
a gun in one hand. ok well maybe not that short! but u catch my drift?

Post more soon :P

PS: you don't need to censor things her, i did that at first to but you can just give a warning, or most people expect it to not be censored.

Posted: Aug 14, 2008

Author Comment:

Hey Reaper, thanks for reviewing and the advice. I apreciate it and will try and take it on board.
I'm glad the beginning worked to an extent :)
Anna

This is very very good.

Posted: Aug 20, 2008

Author Comment:

Thanks :D, I'm glad you like it,
Anna

Cool! Fast paced and drama-filled. Looking forward to reading more.

Posted: Aug 21, 2008

Author Comment:

Thanks, I'm glad you liked it :),
Anna

pretty good. i agree with Reaper, though. maybe put in a little something else FIRST. Or, you could undetail this a little and make it a preface or something...then start out with another piece of the story and lead up to this so you don't have to cram certain details into the beginning. Like, just have the action, then BAM! cut if off and go, 'Chapter One'...eventually leading up to this part and going from there...you know what I mean?
But, other than that, it's good:)

Posted: Aug 21, 2008

Author Comment:

Thanks for the criticism. I will consider this but I'm linking following chapters back to this event to explain how it came about/ why and it'll just be getting a little complicated to re-write it all. If I have time I'll consider going back.
Thanks for commenting, glad you like it,
Anna

cool

Posted: Oct 2, 2008

Author Comment:

Lol, glad you like it
:D

can u update soon plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz :)

Posted: Oct 31, 2008

Author Comment:

I'll see what I can do
:)

Erynn Louviaite
(not registered user)

Awesome start! I don't think it moved too fast at all. It grabbed my attention and kept me reading. It had just the right amount of description. There will be more time for in-depth descriptions later. More would only have slowed this first chapter down, causing it to lose the excitement. Obviously I completely disagree with Reaper, who's mini example isn't even sentences.

Also, definitely don't add anything before this as Catherine suggested. If you don't hook the reader right away, they may not continue and prefaces are not usually very exciting.

I thought this was great! Its well-written and exciting! I saw very few errors and I don't suggest you change a thing :)

Posted: Jul 17, 2009

Author Comment:

Thank-you, that's precisely the reason I wrote it that way in the first place, I'm considering however altering the story so the second chapter goes back in time a bit to give the reader a bit more perspective.
Glad you like it :)



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