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About a boy's obsession with his beautiful love........
How I wish someone said these words for me!! ^_^
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Submitted: Jul 1, 2008 Reads: 494 Comments: 48 Likes: 15
Your beauty is like a sunset on an ocean shore.
You're everything i want and much more.
Your eyes twinkle like the stars in the midnight sky.
Your presence makes me feel like I'm flying high.
Your scent is like the sweetest rose.
Your beauty runs from your head to your toes.
Your bauty takes my breath away.
Your voice is so sweet no matter what you say.
Your beautiful face glistens and shines.
Your beauty makes me wish that you were mine.
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The fact that this poem had the same start to every line seems to have been detrimental to the flow and rhythm of your piece. Always remember that if you want to start each sentence with the same word than you have to add much more depth and drama,
"Your eyes stare at me with words left unsaid,
Your tears conceal oceans within their depths."
You see how much meaning needs to go into lines that start with the same words. Your poem needs to abound with double meanings to hold the readers attention.I hope you don't mind my criticism.
Posted: Jul 1, 2008
I thought this was an amazing poem, but I must agree with Azmat Shah. Usually in strong poems, there will always be a stanza where they use the same word to start each sentence. That means that in that stanza, they're making the biggest point out of the poem of all, and it has to be intense and deep, and use, like what Azmat Shah said. You had a couple of typos in there, but that was all I noticed. I thought that the rhyme scheme flowed really nicely, and I didn't believe you were forcing words. Maybe a little bit in "Your voice is so sweet no matter what you say", but I'm stuck ha ha. I did really like it though! You have a really good talent, and it's very very unique. I hope to read more of your stuff soon! Great job, don't EVER stop writing:D
Posted: Jul 1, 2008
Awwww sweet! :)
Posted: Jul 1, 2008
Really nice poem.
I liked it. The only thing I noticed was a few typos. In Your bauty takes my breath away. did you mean beauty?? But other that that I liked it :]
Posted: Jul 1, 2008
really really good. I liked it.
Posted: Jul 1, 2008
hi! kritika. a beautiful poem about love and possession. well written. and capturing. lol. ;-)
Posted: Jul 1, 2008
wow! He's really obsessed. Great lines, loved the rhymes. ^^
Posted: Jul 1, 2008
Hiya sweety, lovely poem....written from soul....it may have loopholes but the best thing is that it is UR baby and no MOM is perfect...right?
In the end what matters is 'are u happy?" if yes, that's it....
Posted: Jul 1, 2008
you are a poem generating machine..no that im complaining!
Posted: Jul 1, 2008
Gr8 job...!!Depicts true love and admiration..:-)!!
Posted: Jul 1, 2008
amazing thoughts
...
really great poem..
like it !!
.X
Posted: Jul 2, 2008
Cute is the word! though i agree wid the criticism given! keep writing *_*
Posted: Jul 2, 2008
i love this poem, very beautiful. I love the rhyming couplets, but in this type of poem u need to keep the metre structure, or I should say the rhythmic arrangement of the syllables in each line to a constant, like 8, 10, 12, or whatever. Take this poem of Lord Byron’s for example. He uses a structure of 12 syllables to each line, though you don’t have to be precise . Sometimes you count 11, sometimes 13, though 12 is the general for this poem. Notice how lovely the flow is:
The Assyrian came down like the wolf on the fold,
And his cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold;
And the sheen of their spears was like stars on the
sea,
When the blue wave rolls nightly on deep Galilee.
Like the leaves of the forest when Summer is green,
That host with their banners at sunset were seen:
Like the leaves of the forest when Autumn hath blown,
That host on the morrow lay withered and strown.
For the Angel of Death spread his wings on the blast,
And breathed in the face of the foe as he passed;
And the eyes of the sleepers waxed deadly and chill,
And their hearts but once heaved, and for ever grew still!
And there lay the steed with his nostril all wide,
But through it there rolled not the breath of his pride;
And the foam of his gasping lay white on the turf,
And cold as the spray of the rock-beating surf.
And there lay the rider distorted and pale,
With the dew on his brow, and the rust on his mail:
And the tents were all silent, the banners alone,
The lances unlifted, the trumpet unblown.
And the widows of Ashur are loud in their wail,
And the idols are broke in the temple of Baal;
And the might of the Gentile, unsmote by the sword,
Hath melted like snow in the glance of the Lord!
I hope this helps with your rhyming poems. I do love this poem of yours though!!
Posted: Jul 2, 2008
nice poem, smooth flow.
the critic is right but a thing can be said in more than one ways! All is upto a poet's perception
the learned critic drew a good example but he forgot that the two lines he wrote don't end with the same rhyme.
"Your eyes stare at me with words left unsaid,
Your tears conceal oceans within their depths." may be written as ''within their benthic bed'' to match the rhyme?
Posted: Jul 2, 2008
aw me to! i wish a boy said this to me!
Posted: Jul 2, 2008
totally Greek....great poem, great passion,keep writing, keep feeling.... ah to be lost in the sea of love drowning in the lust of your heart, where even in death we never part....:)
Posted: Jul 2, 2008
I like it dude, a lot!
It kinda goes both ways also, whether its your ex that you still want or a girl that you want or such and such...
very nice, I love these kind of poems! :D
Posted: Jul 2, 2008
Lovely. A little repetitive, but I truly enjoyed it. Nothing like a little obsessive love. lol. :) Keep it up!
Posted: Jul 2, 2008
coolio poem! i like it! but it is just a tad bit repetitive.
~Lemon
Posted: Jul 2, 2008
Reading through your poem I felt there were some subtle changes that might help you. Just to make this easier to show, I have recreated it below with my alterations. Basically I felt the flow needed a few changes so the lines worked together a touch more. This is just my interpretation though. If this helps then that is great, if not, then no problem.
The poem is a great idea so well done.
Your beauty is like a sunset on an ocean shore.
You're everything i want and much much more.
Your eyes twinkle like stars in the midnight sky.
Your presence makes me feel that I'm flying high.
Your scent is like the sweetest rose.
Your beauty runs from your head to toe.
Your beauty takes my breath away.
Your voice is so sweet whatever you say.
Your beautiful face glistens and shines.
Your beauty makes me wish that you were mine.
Posted: Jul 3, 2008
i like your way of writing. it reminds me of my boyfriend lol but its really nice.
Posted: Jul 3, 2008
I think all said and done now. you should try to be more obscure next time.
Posted: Jul 3, 2008
This is a nice poem.. Good work.. Don't we all wish that someone said that to us especially since i'm head over heels in love with a guy at this point in time :P
Posted: Jul 5, 2008
P.S.: Could you check out my poems too.. Especially the one i wrote today called "She's scared"
Thanks.. Keep writing :)
Posted: Jul 5, 2008
truly obsessive... lol!! i like it a lot:)
Posted: Jul 5, 2008
Truly Superb,,,,and i hope one day someone does say this to you............happy days juliet
Posted: Jul 5, 2008
It was really sweet, but also a little tiny bit cliche, you know? Kind of what every guy in the history of chivalry and romance has ever said. Which is of course why the character is thinking that! I've found that guys are not good at coming up with original things to say to girls. so they just repeat the classics of beauty from head to toe and taking his breath away, etc etc.
It was still a really nice poem, though! I think all us girls wish it was written for us! :D
Posted: Jul 13, 2008
i enjoyed the poem but from the comment above , i am a little concerned . some of us guy's do believe in romance in a big way , some of the classic's introduced us to romance in a big way .
though i still reckon the real power of any romance , lies in the first kiss .
terry
Posted: Jul 28, 2008
ok i loved every part of it awesome:)
tillz
Posted: Jul 28, 2008
aww that's so cute!
Posted: Oct 11, 2008
This was a good poem! it really inspired me; you seem to have good potential! :D
Posted: Oct 11, 2008
Great poem ,beautiful,just one thing......i hink you missed an "e" "Your bauty takes my breath away"
Posted: Oct 11, 2008
I agree with azmat
Posted: Oct 12, 2008
A heartfelt poem. You have lots of encouraging critiques above. I wonder if you feel any of these might enhance your poem? Would you be prepared to correct typos and have a go at your own editing to make a good poem even better? Then publish again and let us know? A writer who is willing to perfect is a mighty writer.
But well done on this one. beautiful words.
Posted: Oct 12, 2008
You have a good poem here...I like it. Talking about beauty that way, has emotion too.
Posted: Oct 12, 2008
I wish someone would say that to me. well written.
~ drizz
Posted: Oct 12, 2008
i loved this poem it was sweet and to the point. the reader can tellhow you feel because you come out and tell them. you dont hide behind a lot of words you just say it. i really liked it.
Posted: Oct 12, 2008
Hey. Very good. Loved it! Maybe you could stop by and check out some of my work and tell me what you think. Again great work!
Posted: Oct 12, 2008
This is so awesome, beautifuly written too ;)
Nice work ^.^
Posted: Oct 12, 2008
Its sweet and touching
Posted: Oct 12, 2008
I enjoyed your poem. Passion in writing is always good, no matter the level. Guys and girls, I'm kinda new here so could you read some of my work? Kritika, all in all, well done.
Posted: Oct 13, 2008
I loved this poem. It was so cute!!
Posted: Oct 13, 2008
Ok Peach. All in all it's a good poem, probably better than most of mine. But if you want my honest opinion the strict rhyme and use of repetition is definitely not your strong suite. Your other poetry is free and fluid, and seems to wash over you in a way that makes drowning in an ocean of your sensual, vivid language seem preferable to breathing air. In short your other poetry is brilliant, there's something unique about it that sets it apart from the rest. This poem is different and I think you should take it as an example of how restrictive and confining formal conventions can be.
Posted: Oct 13, 2008
But if you'd like a critique of this poem as a stand alone piece and not a comparison to your other work: The rhythm and meter are near perfect apart from a slight jarring effect when it seems your trying to force rhyme(which is something I do frequently myself by the way). The repetition of "Your" adds a nice symmetry to it, although it gets a little dull towards the end so maybe you could break this pattern in the last couplet or something. Might add a little spice to the piece. Nice use of rhyme, except for like I said, at points it feels a little forced. Overall a decent piece of poetry. :)
Posted: Oct 13, 2008
Ok ignore that first comment i posted. I thought this poem was by someone else, Classy Peach to be precise, the later one's still relevant though. All the best. Keep up the writing.
Posted: Oct 13, 2008
Personally, I don't really get the picture that went with this story. I mean...well, it looks like blood and pain. So I kind of thought this would be a poem about a guy who gets refused by this girl, and then he killed her because he's so obsessed - - but that's just me and my crazy imagination.
haha.
Oooh!!! Watch Lost Boys - it's amazing. ♥
Dani.
Posted: Oct 14, 2008
that was really good! the only thing id hav to say is that mabey u used beauty to much like the guy was focasing on how pretty you are only wich is kinda shallow for a guy to do but other than that i really liked it!
Posted: Oct 14, 2008
well i thought it was just lovely
Posted: Oct 14, 2008
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Other writing by Kritika What women want?!? You broke my heart What shall happen next? I'm going to be the best friend you ever had What can I do??? More..
Love, Poetry, Death, Life, Poem, Romance, Pain, Fantasy, Hope, Sad, Sex, Hate, God, Horror, War, Humor, Hurt, Sadness, Loss, Dark, Fiction, Depression, Heart, Family, Friendship.
