Looking back on it I never meant to do it. I never wanted it to happen but it did. I know I should never have done it but somehow it happened anyway.
They tell me my guilty conscience will be my punishment. I really am sorry for what I did, like I said I never meant to do it. They still tell me they locked me away for my own good and for everyone else’s safety. I hear whispered conversations outside my door when they think I am asleep. They say I am crazy but I am not. I know I am not I can still think logically and can still count to ten. How can I be crazy if I can do these things? Crazy people think strange and cannot form a coherent thought. I cannot be crazy if I am talking to you now. I am talking to you like a regular human being so I cannot be crazy. It is only logical. Is it not?
Maybe I should return to the beginning and explain the full reason I find myself here. Actually here is a good question. Where is here? I want to ask the men in white coats where here is but I am too scared. The only person who I would ask is the pretty blonde haired lady that comes to visit me three times a day, she brings me food and if I am very good she sometimes brings ice cream. Vanilla is my favourite, it reminds me of the snow I see float by my window when it becomes really cold.
I wish I could go outside and play in the snow. I remember playing in the snow with my brother. He pushed me and I disappeared into a world of white. It was so cold but so comfortable, the white flurries cocooning me in its pale arms. I asked the pretty lady if I can go outside once but she said no because I am not allowed. I used to be allowed to go to outside as often as I wanted. Why has that changed?
Most afternoons the pretty blonde lady comes and takes me to another room with others like me. They are not much fun. Usually they sit and stare blankly at the white wall or rock back and forth muttering under their breaths, words I will never know. I try and persuade some of them to play but they ignore me. I do not know what I did wrong. Maybe I should give up and leave them alone. Once there was a boy who did play with me but he did not stay long, I only saw him once. We played with the Lego all afternoon. It was nice to have another friend other than you, at least for a little while. Now I have no friends here to play with but at least you talk to me.
Every evening a man with black hair in a white coat takes me into a different room. The man always wears the white coat. You would think he would take it off inside but he does not and they call me the crazy one. He asks me why I did it. He scares me so I clamp my lips shut and shake my head. You would think that after so long I would have talked to him but I am too afraid. He leans in to try and look kindly but I know the truth. If I talk to him I will end up like those other children. I know I will. He acts concerned so that I will talk but I will never talk. If I do he will steal my smiles. The other children never smile but the men in white coats always smile big wide ones that look like they will devour me at first opportunity. This usually lasts about half an hour before they send me back to my room with the comforting white walls.
I refuse to talk to anyone but you. You will not steal my smiles will you? You are my friend so I do not think you will. You want to know what I did and I think I can trust you. You will not tell anyone my secret. You are my friend.
I think I took sibling rivalry a bit too far. Most brothers and sisters fight over toys or try and outdo each other at school but not us. We competed in a different way. We competed for our parents’ affections. Desperately we would try and get them to notice us. They are always working, after a while we gave up. It was all his fault our parents paid no attention to us. I blame him but I never meant to hurt him. He was my brother he was the only family I had. He provoked me and pushed me too far. I snapped and threw the vase at him. There was so much blood, it pooled and sat around his head like a lopsided halo. I shook him and tried to wake him up. I thought he was sleeping or playing a joke. When the nice lady from next door came down from upstairs, she started screaming. I was confused about what was happening. I walked up to her and tried to grab her hand but she backed away. She dialled the phone and soon men in blue came to take me away. They handed me over to the black haired man in the white coat.
Those events are what led me here or more accurately to wherever here is. Promise me you will not tell the men in the white coats. You are my friend I know you will not tell them.
They say that when I am better I can go home to my parents. However I do not want to see my parents. It is my brother I want to see. I wonder if he has grown up like have. I have grown three centimetres since I arrived here. I am a big girl now. The pretty blond lady says it will be my birthday tomorrow. I told her that I will be six. I hope I am given a really good present.
They say ‘better’ like I am ill but I do not feel ill. The men in white coats are strange they say and do things that make no sense maybe they are the crazy ones not me.
The pretty blonde lady is here.
“Who are you talking to? There’s nobody else here.” she says as she takes my hand.