a/n: haven't been writing for awhile! need to brush up on my writing skills alot! :)
I have a confession to make.
I like him. I like him a lot more than I should be. It just grows every day. Every night before I go to bed, I will try hard to control how I feel. But when I wake up the next morning, I realized that I couldn’t control that feeling I have for him. I’d blast music on my earphone when I go to school, hoping to forget that feeling before I reach my class, but honestly, when I have managed to control it, the class door opened, and there he walks towards his table, smiling. And I have to try hard again to suppress that stubbornly uncontrollable feelings again.
The thing was, I don’t know when it started. At first we weren’t close at all, but after the occasion whereby I was sick and my classmates had come over to my house to surprise me on my birthday, I began to know him. At first I see him as a brother, although we weren’t close. Almost the boys in my class were like brothers to me, but there came the time where he fell ill so often that I didn’t see him in school for weeks. I took train alone almost everyday and when he was better, I lamented to him about being so lonely in the train. Then there was a bbq party organized by my classmate. He had always missed outings my class organized, so I thought he wouldn’t be coming. Personally I thought it would have been better if he couldn’t come at all. That way, I could work out my feelings for him but out of the sudden, there he was, walking to where I was sitting. I wasn’t sure if I should smile. The way he smiled, it made me speechless. We talked a little, and then he went off to swim with the rest of my classmates. I spend the whole night trying to control the feeling, and even left early so that I won’t have to take train with him, but it just continues growing.
Then, we came to the last two months in school. He and his group members decided to do their project elsewhere, so I didn’t see him again in class. After months, wondering if I should tell him how I feel, I thought it was the best if I didn’t say anything to him and just keep on suppressing the feeling. It was terrible, but as a few weeks goes by, I managed to control that feeling. That few weeks, I didn’t have to have to try to control my feelings before I went to bed, and still able to control it next morning. But then, during one of the lunch breaks I had, I saw him again, with his best friend. I wanted to pretend to ignore him, but when I bought my lunch, I realized that my friends were sitting with him. I didn’t have a choice, and joined my friends at his table. I didn’t speak to him; I just didn’t know what to say. Half the time I was eating, I looked at him, but when he looked at me, I smiled, and continue eating, without saying anything to him. It felt awkward. I was sitting across him, but we didn’t speak a word to each other. When I returned back to class, only did I realized, that it didn’t matter how long I didn’t see him, that feeling was still there. That feeling just won’t disappear.
But just a month before school really ends, he and his group mates decided to move back to class to do their project. At first he sat two tables away from me, I thought I am still able to cope with it, but then he moved to the empty table behind me, my heart exploded. How could I concentrate when he was just right behind me? How can I still try to control the feelings I had when he’s just right behind me? I felt I was going crazy because each time I turned, I see him, and turning my back on him was just as equally as hard as trying to face him like a brother.
Time is so precious when it comes to school work, but it just gets as precious when it comes to hanging around with him. After months of being separated in class, I finally took train with him. Since he said he wanted to wait for his best friend and his friend’s girlfriend for their bus, so I waited along with them. But as we waited for the bus, his friend commented that it was nice to see him having a companion when he gets home. I was embarrassed to say anything. I couldn’t remember what he had replied to his friend, but he didn’t say that there was nothing between us. But judging from the way his friend had said it, my feelings must have been very obvious when I’m with him. When their bus came, I was left alone with him. As we walked to the station, he suddenly popped up a question that took me by surprise.
“How are you feeling?”
“Quite fine. Why?”
“You looked sad. Come and share me the story.”
The funny thing was, this was the second time that he had actually caught me looking sad even though I tried hard to look okay when I was in class. The first was I had a small quarrel with my group mate and I had almost cried on that day. My eyes were watering, but I tried so hard not to cry. He noticed it when I was leaving the class. He commented, “Wow, you looked you’re about to cry!” but I smiled and told him I was okay. But he took me by surprise by asking me to share why I had wanted to cry when we reach the train station.
Twice, each time, I wanted to keep what happen as a secret, he’d be there to rob it.
Now we left only two weeks before we really complete the last year. I have been staying in school till 8 pm. I still remember, on Tuesday night, although I had promised myself not to get myself too involved with him again, I went to have dinner with him and two other boys. We bought takeaways, and went up to the second floor of the shopping mall where we talked and laughed. At that time, I told myself, to remember what it felt like being his friend because I know I wouldn’t attend the same school as him after graduation. This was the last time I’m going to hang out with him this late, eating takeaway, laughing at each other’s jokes, reminiscing the good old times. I told myself this was the last I might be close with him.
But telling myself that it will be the last time, my heart wouldn’t want to hear it. Even my fate doesn’t want to let me have my way. On Thursday night, my friend and I were going to print out our works at a shop far from my school. My friend invited a few other friends from my class to print their work together with us so we could get a discount. He decided to come along since he had not printed his. Do you know how my heart had exploded when I hear that he was coming along? I wanted to hang around him like a friend, but at the same time, I wanted to tell him I like him and I don’t want to hang around like a friend. It was hard for me to pretend as friend, but it was just as hard pretending not to like him.
Sometimes, I really don’t know how he feels inside. I tried hard to understand, but I just couldn’t. He is quick to spot that I’m crying inside, and he will hear my rant without asking too much and tries to comfort me after that. He fussed about getting me a cup, refusing to let me to act like a guy and share the same bottle with them. At times, I catch him looking at me when we’re joking around with our friends, but I’d looked away. The way he looked at me, I wondered if he was just simply seeing me smile and laugh or he really had feelings for me. The way he looks at me, I fear I might be getting the wrong idea. But I like him, and I just couldn’t control it any longer.