Exploring my mind is something I rarely do. My mind is a strange place, filled with…oddities.

On the front step of my mind there is a welcome mat.

“Welcome to my mind. Step carefully.”

On the front door of my mind is a sign.

“Enter at own risk.”

When you enter my mind you find yourself in along hallway, the right side of the hall lined with doors, the left side lined with artwork by many different artists. The doors are numerous, the hall is narrow, and the end is nowhere near. A sign on the first door reads:

“Miscellaneous educational crap.”

The sign on the second door reads in pretty violet letters:

“Cheese muffins and pumpkin pie, poetry and candy wrappers.”

Skip those two doors. If you opened them then textbooks, pies, muffins and papers with messy handwriting on them would smother you. The third door has no sign, and is painted blue with pink polka dots. That’s the color room. Only color blind people will come out alive.
The fourth door is very tall and narrow, and painted black. Again there is no sign, instead large red words painted directly on the wood.

“The heavy metal room.”

This room is home to Mettalica and more. The walls of this room are lined with electric guitars, and there’s a stage in the middle. Giant speakers pump out amazingly loud metal music. If you value your hearing then stay out.
Next is a room with a sign that reads:

“A thirteen year old girls emotions. Unstable chemicals.”

Be careful in there. It’s not my heart, it’s just home to a few confused hormones and the like. I don’t even like to go in there. The next door is a room of mirrors. Go in there. Look in that mirror. Hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! You’re fat! Look in the next one. Now you’re skinny and tall!! I love it!!! What? Doesn’t everybody have funhouse mirrors in their mind?
Okay, now cross the room. Yes, yes, pretty tile floor. Now look in that mirror. See that girl with a red pill in one hand a blue pill in the other? Take the red pill Neo, exit the matrix!! Couldn’t resist, sorry. Put your hand on the mirror. Wahoo! You’ve been pulled through into the Eastern section of my mind. It’s rather gloomy here.
There’s a giant mirror in a city square, you just came through that. There are a few tall dark buildings towering over the square and some ominous rock music playing. It’s rainy and muddy in the unpaved square, and it‘s nearly deserted. There’s a giant stone archway across the square, walk under that.
Good, now see that canal with the muddy water? There’s a boat that comes every day at ten thirty in the morning to collect lost souls, or ideas that didn’t quite make it. See that little woman huddled over there? I decided that I didn’t want to be an astronaut and she refused to get on the boat. Listen lady, I am NOT going to go up in some experimental shuttle, wave at the stars and pray to God that a comet wont smash into the shuttle and spread my atoms across space. Oooh, she just won’t listen! Stubborn as a mule.
Oh, here’s the boat. Several ideas are leaving today. Like that one, that girl with the computer chair super glued to her butt. That was an idea that I decided against. And the story idea that’s all too much like another one is leaving too. They’re getting sent to the Big Bin, a tall tower where I cram all the ideas I don’t need anymore. Some get private rooms, like Santa Claus. And you see that kid singing AC DC really loud? She’s staying. Hay you! Go back, I need you.
Occasionally I pull something out of the Big Bin, but usually ideas sent there don’t come back. Now follow me, I want to show you the control center of my brain. Come on! Stop gawking at the damn stork. I sent him to the Big Bin eons ago, but the damn thing can fly out. I have to employ stork catchers to keep him from getting into the control center. Shoo! Go bug some other person, maybe a little girl who doesn’t know yet, because I know EXACTLY where babies come from you kidnapper!!
But anyways, come along. Now we’re waling into the sunny part of the city. There’s flowers and babies, puppies and sunshine, God it makes me gag sometimes. There’s the wishing well, and the golden toilet. I fell in that toilet once. I nearly drowned.
See that statue? The one with all the stone fish and the big letters on the bottom reading:

“In memory of my dear fishies, Rickie, Lucy, Lucky, Shadow, Serious, Sucker and Scum. They were all good fish. Except maybe Lucy, who tried to eat Shadow, Serious, Sucker and Scum."

I miss them a lot.
But let’s keep on walking. Through the grassy parks, past the zoos and the balloon shops, and here we are! That big swirling portal leads to the main control center of my mind. And you better not touch anything. I swear to God if you pull a switch and I can’t speak anything except Spanish then I’m gonna kill you. I like Spanish, but no one I know knows how to speak it. Oh, and if you push that big red button then I’ll kill you as soon as I regain control of my vocal cords and stop singing music from various movies.
Okay, so step through the portal. Mind your hands and feet, and POP. We’re here. All around you are desks and counters, buttons and switches, flashing lights and computer screens. On that screen:

Mrs. Packman eats all ghosts

On that screen over there:

My favorite color is blue.

Underneath each screen is a keyboard. Don’t mess with those, and DO NOT type anything in. NO! What are you doing? Stop it!! You’re writing something on my CURRENT ACTIONS screen!!

Acts like a chimp.

I’M GOING TO KILL YOU.

No, stop messing with my personality!

Personality: Paranoid, idiotic, patriotic, acts like a chimp, eats everything in sight, hates to do as told.

Hahahaa. You hardly changed anything moron. And you’re repetitive! You already did the chimp thing, and it stops being so funny the more you do it buster. And guess what? I’m paranoid, idiotic, and patriotic in the sense that I like our countries food. I eat a lot and I hate to do as I’m told. You didn’t even change that much! The joke is on you!! Wait, what are doing NOW?

Current emotion: Hysterical.

I’ll show you hysterical buddy!! Come over here, my hatchet wants to speak to you!! No, stop, don’t you dare touch that screen!!

Current skills: None. She can’t even handle a hatchet.

Smooth. Very smooth. Now I’ll just have to change a few things myself. Er...how do I type?



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