Okay, when a guy breaks up with you by saying that you and him are now simply "platonic" friends and nothing more, it secretly means sooo much more, he just does not understand the feelings that he has been experiencing about you at the time. I mean he does know this because I mean it is not coincidental that we ended up in the exact same classes this year, he is just scared to admit that he wants me back. I know he was going to come crawling back to me sooner or later because that girl he is going out with now is just such a gutter slug. I mean who does she think she is coming in and stealing my swoon worthy boyfriend. I, Ashley Biggot, the most popular girl in school; will not stand by and let some schizophrenic mixture between a phony, glamourpuss wannabe and an absolute slob named Samantha Rugard, who reeks of big red and bologna sandwiches, come waltzing into my school to take what is rightfully mine. I mean it is chic code 101 to never steal your best friend's boyfriend, humiliate you in front of everyone, and still act like a mercenary, so what type of blasphemy does she think she is doing? This is my time for retribution.
Oh, by the way I guess I should probably get back to the beginning of where this catastrophe first took place. It all started on a Wednesday, you know Hump Day, whoop whoop. My boyfriend and I were sitting together, watching a movie when my ex-best friend, Samantha, aka the slimy boyfriend leech, comes gliding into the family living room like she owns the place. Alright, come on, who does that anymore? I have a sneaking suspicion that she did that just to irk me.
Let me take a moment here to tell you about her physical attributes. She thinks she is hot, but here are the facts, so you decide. Her hair is very coarse and naturally fiery red, but she has bleached it into oblivion and now it resembles something from a palominos rear end. Her ears are very large, something a chimpanzee would be proud of, and she has to supersize her earrings to balance out her abnormally large eavesdroppers. People think she has the prettiest blue eyes, but I know for a fact that they are colored contacts. I can't say much about her nose, I have to admit that it is quite perfect except for those two or three really long, red nostril hairs which gives away her true hair color. For those of you who have a chin fetish, you will love her because she has two of them, actually three when she is looking down reading.
Ugh..oh I am getting side tracked again. Anyways his arm was around me, the fire was lit, my beach blond hair was cascading down the snow white, genuine saskatchewan seal skin couch, it was the most the romantic setting that even the most chickiest chic flick couldn't reproduce. Everything was absolutely perfect except for that big monstrosity that came in and decided to park itself right in front of my boyfriend and my 60 inch, flat screen TV.
"Watcha guys doing?" Samantha asked, smothering us in her bologna breath.
"Watching a movie." I said, jabbing my elbow into her side for emphasis.
"Well since you guys are not doing anything important, can you help me set up the decorations at the school? I wanted to prove them all wrong and say that I can do it all by myself, but it's just so much work for one girl to do." she said, puckering her collagen filled bottom lip.
"Why sure Sammy! We would both love to help." my ever gallant boyfriend announced, acting like the ever present knight in shining armour he is.
I looked at him dubiously. I mean seriously. I had been planning this night for weeks and this is how he repays me.
"I don't think that is such a good idea right now-.."
"Great! Come on! The faster we get done the quicker we can get out of there." she said looping her arm around my boyfriend and dragging him out to her car.
"Hey! Wait up!" I called after them, running to catch up.
"Remind me again of why I am here." I said to myself while sifting through another set of old snowflake decorations.
"Thank you so much! I bet it is so cool having a boyfriend like yours Ashley!" she said completely ignoring me.
Blah. Blah. Blah. Man, this is going to take longer than I thought and I am sure I look like a sweaty gym sock.
"Hey guys! I think I am going to take a breather." I say already going out the gym doors. I stick my face up, admiring the wind blowing off the redness of my cheeks, feeling it rejuvenate me once again. I hear the doors behind me open and hear someone come towards me.
"I knew you would come-" I said not bothering to turn around.
"Yeah! Here I am!" Sam says and splashes me with the coldest thing I have ever felt.
"Aaaaaah! What have you done!" I scream, looking down and seeing that it's some ugly red paint splattered all over my new, white Bloomingdale designer dress. I drop to my knees and sob in horror.
"Exactly what you deserve." Samantha says handing me her hand. I grab it without thinking and let her pull me up. She hands me the paint can and I confusedly look at it . She may be more of a whack job than I originally thought. Does she really think that I am going to spill the rest of it on me? I look back at her to see her snap a quick picture and fall to the ground sobbing. She then picks up a knife from her pocket and cuts herself along her arm before stuffing it back in her pocket.
"What the-" I start to say, but I am interrupted in a clatter of the gym doors opening. Mr. Stewart, the principal and my boyfriend come rushing out.
"What in the world is going on out here?" Mr. Stewart asks. I am about to answer when Samantha screams.
"Oh, Daddy, it was horrible." Daddy? What? "I came out-t-t to check on Ashley when she att-t-tacked me and t-t-tried to hurt-t me. I did not know what t-t-to d-d-do so I threw the paint on her. Oh, I am so-o-o sorry, please do not-t-t hurt me anym-m-more Ash. I th-th-thought we were fr-fr-friends." she said fake hiccuping to exaggerate her crying.
"Oh no I did not do any-" I tried to say.
"Ashley Biggot I am so disappointed to you! How could you do this to a new student, my DAUGHTER! You will report to my office immediately." I was about to respond, but the look of utter hatred on his face stopped me dead cold. I obediently started walking to his office and glanced at my boyfriend once I passed him.
"Come on! You at least have to belie-", but he cuts me off. My boyfriend cuts me off.
"How dare you Ashley! She was your best friend. We are officially over. No do not even try to speak." He raises his hand and cuts me off. Man, am I tired of people doing that. "The evidence is right there." he said pointing at that nasty filth again. "I do not even think we can be friends after this, but if it is even the slightest chance, we will be nothing but platonic." he says before turning his back on me and running to Samantha's side.
By then I am full out sobbing as I reach the principal's office, where when he returns an hour later, I receive a 3 week OSS immediately.
So here I finally am 3 days later, peering around the corner of the school lockers into homeroom in an oversized hoodie. Samantha, the foul beast, is bragging to another class full of students of her life or death experience once again and showing them that wretched picture of me, with my boyfriend's arm around her shoulders. The only thing she doesn't know is that today will be the last day for her glory, because today will be my day of triumph. I wait there smiling to myself and then hit the lights. People look around alarmed, looking for the person who dare did this. I point the remote at the projector I rigged earlier and wait for the scene that ruined my life. The truth will be revealed for all to see. That's right my friends, unbeknownst to the other students, my older brother works as security for the school, and I have access to the security videos.
"Oh, by the way Samantha, you can just keep what's his face."