Needing to escape this pain that I live in every day I walk down the street to our local shopping mall. It’s not large but holds enough stores for my purposes a chemist and a few supermarkets. Making my way into Safeway and then Coles I buy three packs of nurofen from each store then I go into the chemist and put in my latest prescription for antibiotics and get a pack of antihistamines. I smile to the nice looking lady behind the counter but don’t say a word and walk home.
Once I get back I pull out a shoebox hidden inside my wardrobe and empty the contents onto the floor. Not that there is any need for me to hide this stuff my parents wouldn’t even care if they saw a blood covered knife in my room and marks up my arm.
Ever since my twin sister Anne died in the accident they haven’t even looked at me. Not that their ever home to see me they threw themselves into their work to escape the pain. The pain of losing their golden girl. Everything that she ever did was perfect top student at our school, a talented piano player and the sweetest person who ever walked this earth; I never measured up to her. Yet I never resented her for it instead I looked up to her, she was my best friend and everything I aspired to be. And I killed her.
Shying away from the pain that fills me every day now I set to the task at hand. Looking down at the pile on the floor I start counting, there is five packets of nurofen, three packets of antihistamines, four packets of antibiotics and twenty sleeping tablets. Everything I have saved since Anne was buried and I knew what I would have to do.
Looking down at the pile I decide that it’s enough, the time has come to be with Anne again, so I start popping out every pill in the pile and putting them into a small container. When it’s done I walk over to my wardrobe and pull out my pink halter dress, it’s a patterned baby doll that drapes down to the floor. It’s also the dress that me and Anne both wore for our eighteenth birthday just in different colors, hers was blue, a week before the accident.
Has it really only been three months since that night? Thinking about the night tears start falling down my face in silent streams as I remember the headlights coming towards us from the side of the car, I try to put the accelerator down to make it across the intersection in time but the other cars is out of control and way too fast. Hearing Anne scream and looking into her eyes as the window behind her shatters inwards cutting across my face then thankfully darkness.
I put the dress on and wander into the kitchen taking the container full of escape with me in a daze not even noticing my movements to full of pain to let anything else in. Inside the kitchen I take out the container of milk and place it in my handbag with the tablets. I know where I have to go it can’t be here this house is too tainted by my parents and their hatred of me I need somewhere peaceful that was special to me and Anne.
That place is a five minute walk into the woods near our home, a beautiful little clearing full of wildflowers with the sun shining in the blue sky above. It’s where we used to go whenever we were stressed from school or had secret things to talk about. It was in this clearing that she told me of her first time with her steady boyfriend Mick and I told her how I overheard mum telling dad that she wished I was never born. With Anne why would me need another child, seriously Jessie is just a waste of space, even though I was only ten at the time I can still hear them clearly ringing in my head to this day. She held me in her arms till I stopped crying and told me that she was wrong I’m not a waste of space that I’m just as special as she is.
The clearing was us. But now it’s just me as I sit down in the centre and look around, closing my eyes and pretending that she is sitting next to me.
“I’m so sorry Anne I never meant to kill you. If I could go back and make it me I would believe me I would.” The tears start falling again harder than ever.
“I can’t stay here they hate me more than ever now because I was driving, I killed you, and you’re not here to make me feel better anymore, you will never be here again. Mum was right I never should have been born, then maybe you’d still be here.”
Looking at towards the clouds I pull the milk and pills out of my bag and twist the lid off of the milk. Taking a handful of pills I place them in my mouth and wash them down with milk repeating until every last one is gone.
Slowly I lay my head down on the soft grass and look up to the clouds everything is starting to take on a surreal fuzzy quality and I swear that I can see her above me sitting on a cloud with tears falling down her face matching the tears that won’t stop falling down my cheeks. I raise my arms to try to hug her, Anne my beautiful sister but they won’t move more than an inch off the ground, my whole body feels leaden like it won’t move. I can’t raise my arms to hug her but I know that it reaches her where she’s sitting up in the clouds.
Before too long, that could have been hours for all I know, my vision starts to fade to black everything disappears except for Anne’s face seeming to get brighter and brighter. I’ll be with her soon I think to myself and the last thing I say before everything disappears and I become nothing is “I love you Anne.”