I sit there staring at the wall tears falling down my face, I can’t even get the energy to raise my hands to brush them away. My whole body feels numb like it will never move again and why bother anyway. The one word keeps going through my head again and again “why.” Why even bother? Why did all this happen? Am I really that bad a person, what did I do that was so bad to deserve this?
I look down at the blood pooling around my legs, to the bruises covering my stomach and the tears start to fall anew harder. Eventually the numbness spreads until I can no longer feel the sharp stabbing pains in my stomach or hold myself upright. My body slowly starts to slide sideways until I’m slumped on the floor rolled into a loose ball holding my stomach, trying to keep the baby inside even though I know it’s futile.
The world around me starts to go grey and fuzzy until it feels like I’m floating looking into a dream. I see him walking into the house early, finding me in the bathroom with the positive test in my hands. The feeling that I was pregnant had been there for over a month but I had only just worked up the courage to do the test that day thinking that he wouldn't get home till late. The shock as I hear him enter the room spinning around to face him, trying to hide the test, to explain what had happened. No matter what I said he wouldn't listen his face just got redder and redder staring at the test he had ripped out of my hands.
The picture gets fuzzier as my mind tries to protect me from the next few minutes that happened but I can still see his face screaming at me, his fists raining down on my stomach again and again. More tears start to fall down my face but I don't even register them I’m too busy remembering, and trying not to at the same time. He pushes me against the wall hard and I fall to the floor, cringing away from him I try to crawl away but he keeps on hitting and kicking me in the stomach until sharp stabbing pain starts to spread up my stomach. When he sees the blood start to drip down my legs he seems satisfied and walks off leaving me there crying on the floor alone. Slowly I start to drag myself to the lounge room calling out for help but no one hears my voice is too hoarse from screaming and crying.
I come back to where I am now with a start. My body still feels numb but I can feel a distant echo of the pain in my stomach. How long was I out for? I look up to the clock and see that it has been an hour since I made my way to the lounge room leaving a trail of blood and the remains of my baby on the floor behind me. How long till he comes back? And what am I going to do?
Already I can feel the absence of life inside my stomach and the knowledge sends stabs of pain and grief into my heart. I can’t take this any longer I was barely coping with everything that has happened in my life so far, having to live with him because I have nowhere else to go. The unwanted intentions he forced on me every night. If only mum was still alive and hadn’t left me with him. The last two years have been hell but I was getting through it just waiting till I finally turn eighteen next month and I can leave here and never see my father again.
What’s the point now, where can I go or do that people won’t look at me and know? The tears start to fall harder falling down my face to pool on the floor mixing in with the spreading blood? As I contemplate my future all of the colours in the world start to bleed to shades of grey, there’s no colour. I’m not going to live like this anymore I decide there’s no point in living.
My body is still heavy and numb so I have to drag myself along the floor to the bathroom. When I get to the spot where he first hit me I cringe away sticking close to the wall and avert my eyes from the stains on the floor. I reach up to the cabinet above the sink and pull out the packet of sleeping tablets I’ve been taking to suppress the nightmares iv been having and pour a glass of water. It doesn’t take long for the bath tub to fill and I take the whole packet of sleeping pills plus all the pain killers we have.
The world is starting to go blurry as I climb into the bath tub and I take one last look at the room where my whole world came crashing down before I lay under the water and close my eyes for the last time. Before long my lungs start to burn but my limbs are too heavy for me to lift let alone rise out of the water. Soon everything stops hurting, I start floating on a cloud of contentment and no pain. I start to feel light and I open up my eyes fotr the last time looking up through the red tinged water and the last thing I see is his face above me staring down at me with a look of sorrow on it. Hen everything goes dark and I see no more.