"Hey" I call out as I sit by his side on the park bench.
"Hey" he replies back as he rubs his temple.
"We got caught"
"...I...your not going to make me apologize like it was wrong are you?"
"Hm?Oh...no, I won't. I would apologize, but...eh, fuck it...sorry"
"I hate the world" I choke out as all of my held in tears come rushing out.
"Its not the world with the problem. Its the people in it." and he leaves.
I walkon the edge of the building, at a loss on what to do. I stare out at the indifferent night sky, unsure of when the sun left. The wind blows my hair onto my wet face, and I smile sadly. Wrong, right, black, white...I hate crayons. Wait, its not the crayons is it? Its the color! A burnig sensation starts in my belly and claws its way up my throat, escapeing a cold humorless laugh. The force of the laugh pushes me off the edge and onto the building's unforgiving cement floor. Plop. Pain marches up my body like single minded armies of ants. Its not fair, at all. Its not fair, its not fair, its not fair damn it! I slam my fist onto the floor, and scream.
"That mother fucker! How dare he lay his filthy hands on...Ah!"
"It wasn't..erm sex...what we were doing..."
"Oh, my poor baby, he must of corrupted you!"
"Damn it mom, listen!"
"Yeah, let the bitch talk."
"Harrold! Can't you see he's fragile right now!? I can't believe that, that...why isn't he in jail!?"
"The bitch buried his skeleton pretty well."
"FUCK YOU!!" and I run.
I curl up and start to sob, and I mean sob. The kind of crying that makes you shake uncontrolablly and whimper out pitiful sounds. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!! I hiccup, whimperand shake. It was love damn it...Why can't I have that? Thats all anybody ever wants.
"I love you."
"I'm not going to be THAT gay."
"...oh,man. Fine, erm...me too."
My heart hurts and I don't know how to fix it. It hurts so much I...almost want to die, just to make it stop. Is it me? Them? Wrong, right?
I just don't know. I want to die, to run away, escape, never to see their faces again, but...they would blame him. They would rear their ugly faces and attack us in a pack. He almost went to jail because he fell in love. They, they put him on the same level as a rapist. Why? It was plain, pure affection, it was love. Fuck, if they think that kind of love is unpure then what about the love that cheats? Cheaters don't get forced apart, threatened, almost caged. Or what about relationships that have no ounce of love within them? How come no one is rushing in with their dirty fingers and shit filled mouths? Why aren't people pointing those fingers and spewing out hurtful words, accusations, lies.
I get it pedophiles are bad. They prey on the weak and shit, but so are players. People tell you all your life that your unique, but they still throw all of us into oversimplified generalizations. Life isn't that easy, life is full of greys. It was real love, no forced actions, no fear filled eyes. They say he was a bad person, sick, disgusting, disgraceful but they don't even know him! They're judgeing something that isn't even there! Tears fall down my face in waves and I feel as if I'm dying. As if my heart took such a brutle beating and is now attempting to work with missing pieces, beat as some dirty cold hand is trying to push it under into the murky waters of misery, continue when the perpose is unknown. This is far greater pain than I have ever had the misfortune to feel, and it doesn't stop, it just keeps on hurting. My heart is heavy with pain, sorrow, and hate. I hate them for taking away my precious person, their ability to look past my broken eyes and honestly believe that they know what is right, their double edged sword which has left me with an ugly black stain while it left him with the same but with also scorn, harsh words, a horrible parasite eating away his bright future and reputation. If it hadn't meant digging the sword deeper into his very self, I would of though 'screw it' and gone on embracing that love, but no. Instead we suffer in solitude, everyday hearing out distorted story and misunderstood love. To be honest, I do not see the light at the end of this tunnel, nor the silver lining. A dark cloud has sneaked its way above me and is painfully striking me everyday, every second, every moment. I have been inflicted a wound that will never heal, an ugly scar whos story will be forever misread, a yearning for something so distantly sweet a denial of something that they shouldn't even have the authority to denie. I still wish for death, but I can't let them blame him. If anything, all I can do is give him my love and life which will be forever his, no matter what delusion of right and wrong people fall under. I'll love him because I do and I'll keep on living because I gave him this life, so what right do I have to claim it? I will not take after them and steal away something that isn't mine. I won't disturb this beauty even if it is merely tragic art. This love isn't what pains me, its the absence from it. My only solace is a light from a fading candle, the knowledge that I got to fall in love and in turn was somebody's special person. They can throw their fits and misplaced logic all they wan't, but the fact still remains....I'm in love and dying from the justice that kills.
x//x-x//x-x//x-x//x-x//x-(Two years later)-x//x-x//x-x//x-x//x-x//x
" You'll fall in love again" That scares me. " You'll forget him and it will no longer hurt. Time heals all wounds." These conforting words hurt. They frieghten me, this unforseen tomarrow. I thought I could go on and smile but this pain, its eating me from the inside. I flick my sister off and slam the door shut. I clench my hand around my heart and allow my tears to fall down freely. Does she not understand those words are a sharpened knife that I'm afraid to sink in? I lean my forehead against the door and attempt to cry silently. Though the sound of sorrow escapes as those never ending familiar whimpers and pitiful sounds. If what she said is possible...that means that he will fall in love again and he will forget. I don't wan't that...I...I...I honesly don't. I'm a horrible, horrendous, fucked up selfish person with a monstrousus heart. I'm pathetic and not strong at all. My love is rotting away into something dark. Fuck. I still want to die. I want to die now, yesterday, tomarrow...I want to die but...If I do does that mean my love will die aswell? Would I bare the blood of this love? To avoid watching it die slowly would i truly wish to murder it? I...I want to, need to...Where does the reason end and the escuse begin? Ah, I'm sad again. I push myself off the wall and angrily rub my eyes. I hate thinking like that, or rather I hate it when my true fears and thoughts come out like that. Its been two years since my heart was broken. Two fucking years since I've been sinking and floating in this sea of misery. Over time I lost a shitload of people who labled themselves as my friends and my relationship with people has been broken down to a pathetic mess of far away distance. I land on my bed and shut my eyes, wishing only to shut out the world, even if for only a mere moment. I really wanted to go on with a smile and hold onto this love but...its too painful. Like there are some instances where the pain closes in on me and chokes me, suffocating me with the air I breath and drowning me with my very own tears. I should be taking depression pills suscribed to me by my paid judger commonly referred to as therapist, but I refuse to take them. If I stoop that low I'll drown. I'm graduating tomarrow and I loath it. After I graduate...there will be no one to tell me no, but no means to find a way. I have no idea on where to begin to look. How...painful. I hold onto this thorn filled love, constanly bleeding, yet I don't bring myself to throw that rose away. To be more exact, I can't. Heh, I've been hated by many, that including my not-so-loving family, but none of that hate compares to my self loathing. Its hate I can't escape. Perhaps I lve him and hate me, perhaps I hate myself for loving him, perhaps I love him so much that I hate myself. Regaurdless...I love and hate.I sigh. Is this love even comforting anymore? Ah, who cares love is love no matterhow problamatic it is its here. "Hey, you calm yet? Can we be pratical now?" No. "I'm coming in." Please don't. "Look because I'm your sister I've tried playing nice but now its time to be frank.". I don't believe in love." Just because you don't believe doesn't make it unreal. " Love is wishful thinking and..." her voice trails off and I reailze I'm crying again. I'm so weak. "Do you believe in pain? Happiness? Relief, fear, anger, jelousy because sis, thats love. Love is emotion a-and to be frank...I don't give a fuck what you feel. T-theres a fuc-cking d-differ-erence between em-empathy and sym-pa-pathy. To accomodate your views you come he-ere w-with your opinion t-to re-ah-ah-sure your wishful thinking. So-so basically wha-a-at I-I'm trying t-to sa-ahy i-is f-fuck y-you." I storm out of my roomnot caring that I sounded like a blobbering mess or the fact that my cracking voice made my point deminish. Im hurting too much to give a damn. I'm selfish, foolish, idiotic, pitiful, I know all that but a living in a fantasy? No my dear sister, this is a nightmare. My reality is a living nightmare. Not the scary kind but the tragic one. The one that makes you almost want to greet death. I've spent two years in agonizing anguish, only wanting to stay true to my love. Its a dream gone rotten. By the time I'm crossing the road to go anywhere but here my sister bursts out of the front door a rage filled mess and under blinded rage yells with all her might. "Yeah, well fuck you too!!! And guess what!?! He died a year ago. That bastard got mugged by a group of angry...SHIT!! Im sorry, I'm sorry!! I'm so--" Time froze. My heart stopped beating. Everything froze...except that car speeding down the street.