I always liked to compare anger to a bull. If you grab the bull by its horns, you may be able to stop it for a while, but it’s not going to kill it. It’s the same thing with anger. You can stop it and calm yourself down for a while, but it always finds its way back to you, weaving itself deeper into your brain until it finds a place to settle. From there, it tries to take over your mind, commanding your thoughts, telling you right from wrong. It makes you a completely different person.

            I found myself in a situation in which this had happened to me. Not my fault at all. The rage just consumed me, making me think all sorts of thoughts that I didn’t like.

            Why was I mad? I’ll give you four perfectly good reasons why. My parents were getting divorced, my brother landed himself in jail for drug trafficking, my sister ran away from home with some guy that my parents hate, and my girlfriend was cheating on me with my best friend. I mean, seriously, the only thing that hasn’t happened yet is someone dying. But I can feel it coming. I just wonder who.

            And, thus, I had a perfectly good reason for being pissed off. Usually, lying down on my bed with music blasting in my ears cured any hard feelings. But this time that didn’t work. So I found myself at a night club one Saturday night. I wasn’t old enough to get in, but that was nothing a fake ID couldn’t fix. 

            I wandered through the maze of bodies, listening to the music. I didn’t dance; I wasn’t one for dancing, but the music soothed my mind and distracted me for a while. It was mostly hip hop and rap, which was fine by me. The vibrations coming from the speakers could be felt from where I was all the way in the back. The beat was fast, and the singer had a kind of pleasant-sounding voice. 

            It wasn’t just the loud music I had come for; it was the drinks. I found my way to the bar and sat at one of the stools. 

            “What do you want?” the bartender asked. She was young, barely older than me, with blonde hair tied up in a messy bun. She smiled at me as I decided.

            “Surprise me,” I said, returning her smile.

            This seemed to make her smile even more. She turned away and started to make my drink.

            I thought about Jen, my girlfriend. In the two years that we had been together, I never would’ve guessed that she would’ve switched over to Greg. I mean, our relationship had some rough patches where we almost broke up, but then we’d just sew things back together and pretend like nothing happened. It wasn’t really the fact that she was cheating on me that bothered me. The part that really stung was that it was Greg that she was cheating with. He had been my best friend since sixth grade. We were like brothers. He helped me through the rough times that I went through with my family. Now, I felt betrayed. It felt like there was a piece of me missing.

            “One chocolate mudslide,” the bartender said, bringing my thoughts back to where I was. She smiled and slid the drink over to me. 

            “I should’ve guessed,” I said. I picked up the cup and took a huge gulp. It was pretty good. 

            “You seem kinda young,” she shouted over the music. 

            I finished swallowing a mouthful of my drink. “So do you.”

            “Maybe I am too young for this.”

            “Maybe I am too.”

            She turned away and spoke to another bartender. The other person nodded and the girl pulled off the apron that she had been wearing around her waist. She walked around the bar and came to sit next to me.

            “My name’s Pam.”

            “James.” I said. I took a final gulp of my drink and placed it on the counter. I was glad that the fee for entering the club included drinks. I didn’t have any more money in my pocket.

            “So how old are you really?”

            “Seventeen.”

            “Really? Me too.” I looked at her more closely. If she was seventeen, wouldn’t she go to my school? She didn’t look the least bit familiar. “I’m new here. Just moved to this town the beginning of spring break.”

            Oh, that would be why I didn’t recognize her. Spring break wasn’t even over yet. “So I guess that means you’ll be starting school on Monday then?” She nodded. “Well then maybe we’ll see each other then.” I stood up. “I have to go before my parents find out I’m here.” I started to walk away.

            “Wait,” she said. She pulled a slip of paper and a pen out of her pocket and scribbled something onto the paper. She handed it to me. “Call me before you come here again. I can get you in for free.”

            “Thanks,” I said, and walked away.

 

            Before I knew it, Sunday was almost over. I sat on my couch, watching CSI and devouring a bag of popcorn. The phone rang, making me jump.  I heard my mom pick it up from her bedroom. 

            “James, it’s for you,” she yelled. I forced myself to get up and pick up the phone.

            “Hello?” I said unexcitedly.

            “Hi James!” It was Jen. “I missed you so much. We had the best time in Florida. We went to Disney world. Me and my little cousin went on almost every ride.”

            “That’s cool.” She was way too cheerful for the last night of spring break. And she hadn’t been this cheery until she had started cheating on me. It was almost like she was faking being happy about talking to me, just so that she wouldn’t have to hurt my feelings. She and Greg had no clue that I knew what was going on between them. They just thought I was in an extra bad mood because of the complications with my family.

            “Did you guys get any word from your sister?”

            “No, Rachel hasn’t called or anything since the day she left.”

            “Oh,” she said, losing her jolliness. “What about your brother?”

            “Nothing.”

            “And has your dad moved out yet?”

            “No, but he started packing yesterday.”

            “Wow. I feel really bad for you and your mom. It must be so hard.”

            “I guess.” Neither of us said anything for a minute. I imagined her sitting at her desk, doodling on a piece of paper, writing Greg’s name and drawing a heart around it.

            “Well, anyway. I have to go. It’s getting kind of late and my mom wants us to go out for dinner with my cousins.”

            “Ok.”

            “Love ya, bye.”

            “Bye.” She hung up. I put the phone back where it belonged and turned off the TV. I walked upstairs to my room and lay down on my bed, putting my extra big, outside sound-blocking headphones on. I turned on my mp3 player and closed my eyes.

 

            I woke up with a soar throat the next morning. That still didn’t stop my mom from forcing me to go to school.

            “Please mom, I’m serious this time,” I begged.

            “That’s what you said last time, but you lied. You were out drinking with your friends.”

            “This time it’s for real, I swear.”

            “You are going to school even if I have to drive you there myself.”

            I sighed and resigned myself to the idea that I was going to school.

            I finished up my Wheaties and grabbed my backpack. “Bye.”

            “Have a nice day,” My mom said.

            School wasn’t much better. I walked through the hallway to my locker. I almost forgot my combination. It took a couple of tries for me to open my locker. When it was open, I threw my backpack in and slammed it shut.

            “Still in a bad mood?” I turned to find Greg standing behind me. I didn’t answer. “I’ll take that as a yes.” 

            I was really mad at Greg, but I tried my best not to show it. “How was your vacation?” I asked.

            “It was pretty boring. How was yours?” We start walking. We have the same first period class, so that meant we had the same homeroom. 

            “Same.” I didn’t mention the drinking, feeling sorry for myself, and the arguments between my parents.

            Jen walked up behind us. “Hey guys,” she said. The statement seemed to be directed more towards Greg. She had eyes only for him. I could walk away and she would never notice. 

            “How was Florida?” Greg asked her.

            “It was really hot, but we had a lot of fun.”

            “That’s good.” They smiled at each other as they walked. It made me want to punch them.

            “So I hear there’s a new girl,” I said, trying to interrupt their little moment.

            “Really?” Jen looked at me for the first time today. 

            “Yeah,” I said.

            “Wow, James. Are you actually paying attention to gossip these days?”

            “No.” I hated gossip. It was stupid. I tended to ignore it.

            We made it to our homeroom and walked in. The desks were already filling up. We took our assigned seats in the back. By some weird turn of events, we had all wound up next to each other. Jen was in the middle, of course. 

            We made small talk for a while until the bell rang. Mr. Walker breezed into the room. He placed his bag on the desk and turned to face us. He counted heads and marked down that everyone was present. He looked especially flustered today, but maybe it was just me. He always looked like that.

            There was a knock on the door. He rushed over and opened it. The vice principal, Mrs. Rodriguez, spoke to him quietly. I listened to Jen and Greg talk about their report that they had had to do over the break. When the teachers were done talking, Mr. Walker stepped aside, allowing a person to enter the room. I recognized her right away, though today her hair was straightened and she was wearing jeans and an American Eagle sweatshirt instead of her bartending uniform. Pam stopped in front of the class and waited to be told where to go.

            “You can go in the back, next to James.” He pointed to the empty desk in the corner of the room right beside me. Pam smiled at me and walked to her seat. 

            Mr. Walker started his lesson right, not that anyone was paying attention. He was reviewing parabolas or something. Whatever. Jen and Greg were passing notes, trying not to make it known by me. Like I could be fooled that easily. I kept glancing over at Pam. Whenever I looked at her, she would turn her head to face me and smile. I’d smile like an idiot and turn back to the chalkboard. 

            About halfway into class, a not was passed onto my desk. It came from Pam direction. I turned to look at her and saw that she had been looking at me. She smiled and nodded. I read the note.

 

Is it just me, or is this class REALLY boring?

 

I picked up my pen and wrote a reply back.

 

It’s not just you.

 

I passed the note back to her when Mr. Walker’s back was turned. I looked at her and found her scribbling something onto her paper.

 

Write down your schedule.

 

I obediently did what she said. She passed the note back to me.

 

WOW! We have almost the same schedule. The only thing that’s different is third period.

 

            I scribbled down a reply.

 

Do you want me to show you around?

 

Sure, was the answer.

 

            The bell rang a few minutes later. “Government?” she asked.

            “Yeah.” I glanced over at Jen and Greg. Greg left us here for gym, but I had Jen in my next class.

            “So James, care to introduce me to your new friend?” Jen said as she came over to us.

            “Oh yeah, Pam, this is my girlfriend, Jen.”

            Jen extended her hand for Pam to shake. Pam grabbed it and gave her a firm handshake. “It’s great to meet you, Jen,” she said.

            “Nice to meet you too,” Jen said. I could read Jen’s thoughts so easily. She was hoping that I would fall for Pam so that she and Greg could openly show their love for each other. But at the same time, she was acting protective, so that I wouldn’t become suspicious. It was so easy to figure Jen out.

            I spent the day with Pam, Jen, and Greg.  Jen and Greg seemed to like Pam. By the end of the day, Jen and Pam were like best friends. 

            On Friday afternoon, we all met after eighth period and decided to walk home. Turns out that Pam lived pretty close to me, just like Jen lived close to Greg.

            “Ohmygod, I forgot to tell you guys.  There’s a party at David Johnson’s house tonight. You guys wanna come?”

            “I’m game,” Greg said.

            “Sure, I’ll go,” Pam said.

            “I guess I’ll go,” I said, acting bored.

            “I’ll call all of you tonight. We can go together.” We arrived at the street where Greg and Jen had to leave us. “Bye James.” She gave me a hug and followed Greg.

            “You do realize that she loves Greg more than you?” Pam asked me when we were far away from them.

            I nodded. “She’s been like this for months. They’ve been trying to hide it, but it’s obvious.”

            “Shouldn’t you tell her that you know and break up with her?”

            “I wanna see how long it takes her to tell me.”

            “Do whatever you want, just make sure that neither of you get hurt when whatever happens, happens.”

            “Sure, whatever.”

            We made it to my house and I climbed the driveway. My dad’s car was there. He was never home from work this early. I took a deep breath and braced myself for trouble.

            As soon as I walked into the house, I could feel the tension in the air. I walked past my parents’ bedroom and heard the sound of a bag being zipped. A minute later, my dad walked out.

            “Take my advice,” he said. “Never get married.” He was holding two suitcases. He stormed down the hall and out the door.

            I pushed open the door and glanced in the room. My mother sat on the bed, her face in her hands.

            “Mom?” I whispered.

            She looked up. “He’s gone,” she said. She burst into tears. I went into the bathroom and got her a box of tissues. When she was upset like this, it was best to just make her a mug of hot chocolate and then run away before she stopped crying. She could be extremely irritable after a crying spell.

            I walked into my room and attempted to do my homework, without success. I decided to take nap. I rested my head on the pillow and closed my eyes.

 

            I woke up to the sound of screaming.

            “How dare you have the nerve to come back here!” It was Mom. My first thought was that Dad had come back, but then I heard the voice of the person she was yelling at and recognized them as my older sister, Rachel.

            “Why can’t you just let me get my stuff and leave! I hate you. I’m glad Dad left you! He was smart to get himself out of this house!” There were footsteps as Rachel tried to escape to her room, but they stopped abruptly.

            “Stop right there young lady! You are not going back to that man! I’m going to make sure that you never leave this house again.”

            I slipped out of bed and tiptoed to the door. I pulled it open and walked into the hall. I got there just in time to witness my mother slapping Rachel. Rachel looked stunned for a minute, but her look quickly changed to hatred.

            “I’m nineteen now! I can do whatever I want!” Rachel lifted her hand and slapped Mom. Even I was stunned by this move. No one slapped Mom. It was a rule of the house. 

            Mom fumed. She slapped Rachel again and Rachel punched her nose. Mom let go of Rachel and fell to the ground. Rachel stomped towards me. “Hi, James,” she said, as if nothing had just happened. “How’s life?”

            I always liked my sister. She was strong and confident and able to stand up against anyone. “Well, besides the divorce, you running away, Brad going to jail, and Jen cheating on me with Greg, I’m great. How about you?”

            She made a sour face. “I knew Jen wasn’t going to turn out good for you. But anyway, guess what? I’m going to California with Henry. We’re going to get married.”

            I didn’t know what to say, so I said, “Congratulations.”

            “Yeah, well, I guess I should go before Mom comes to kill me. Good luck. I’ll give you my number if you promise not to give it to Mom. You can call me if you need advice.” She scribbled a phone number on a post-it and gave it to me. She threw a few things in a backpack and opened her window. “Bye James.” She hugged me and gave me a peck on the cheek. “I hope I’ll talk to you again.” She slid out the window, leaving me alone to face Mom.

 

            “Mom, can I go to a party tonight?” It was the first thing either of us had said during dinner. She was still furious, cutting her steak with unusual gusto.

            “Depends, does this party have alcohol?”

            “No,” I lied.

            “Only if you’re back by ten.”

            “But it starts at nine.”

            “Well then I guess you’ll only be there for an hour.”     

            “But then I’ll miss everything.”

            “Then you miss everything. Tough luck.” She continued to cut her steak, but the back and forth motion of the knife started to go into slow motion. 

            “What happens if I stay later than ten?”

            She was cutting the plate now instead of the meat. She had sliced through the whole piece and hadn't realized it. She finally put the knife down and looked at me. “Then I’d just have to ground you and take away your privileges. I’m tired of having everyone in this house disrespect me like this.”

            I didn’t answer. I finished my steak and went to my room, closing the door behind me.

            Jen called at eight, saying that we were supposed to meet at the park in a half an hour. I jumped in the shower and changed into fresh clothes before heading out.

            “Don’t forget to be home by ten,” my mother reminded me as I walked out the door.

 

            We had chosen the swings as our meeting spot. I got there early, so I sat on a swing and played with the rocks under my feet. Greg was the first one to come. He sat on the swing next to me. Pam came next, taking the swing on my other side. Jen arrived five minutes late.

            “Well, let’s go. It’s not far from here, so we’ll walk.” None of us could drive yet, so walking was how we usually got around. As we walked, Jen and Greg kept glancing at each other. Pam and I did the same thing. It seemed as if Jen and Greg were waiting for something.

 

            We got to the party ten minutes before it started. David welcomed us in anyway and offered us each a bottle of beer. We accepted our beer and found some chairs in the backyard to sit in. 

            A few minutes later, the music started. People also stared to arrive. Most of the party was in the house. Only a few people chose to come outside. We didn’t mind. We liked the emptiness. We danced to the music and drank beer, having a great time.

            After a while, the stock of beer we had outside started to disappear. “James, come inside with me,” Jen said. “We’ll get some more beer.” She grabbed my list and led me into the house.

            It was a lot louder in here. The place was packed. People were right up against each other, like sardines. Jen didn’t lead me to the kitchen, where the drinks were. Instead, she brought me upstairs to a bedroom. It was bright pink and filled with stuffed animals and dolls.

            “I hope this isn’t David’s room,” I joked. I was finding it kinda hard to walk. The alcohol had definitely started to affect me. I leaned against the wall for support as I followed Jen into the room and sat on the bed next to her.

            “James, I have something to tell you,” Jen said. She stared into my eyes. This was it. She was going to break up with me. She was going to fess up and admit that she loved Greg more than me.

            “So this is it?” I said. The bull that represented my anger was starting to charge at me. I could’ve tried to grab it by the horns and stop it, but my being drunk would’ve prevented it. And even if I weren’t drunk, what was I supposed to do after that? Even if I grabbed the bull’s horns, it could easily shake me off and knock me down. “You like Greg better right?”

            “Well, it’s not that, it’s just that…” she paused for a minute and took a deep breath, her eyes turning down to look at the sheets on the bed. “Yeah. How did you know?”

            “It’s only been going on for three months. You can’t hide love for long.” Her gaze traveled back up to my face. “I would’ve been okay with it if you’d told me right away.”

            “I’m sorry,” she said quietly. A tear rolled down her cheek.

            “Sorry isn’t good enough!” I was yelling now. I had no control over the words coming out of my mouth. My brain was too clouded to think rationally. “You should’ve told me a long time ago!”

            Tears were streaming down her face now. “I would’ve if I had known that you wouldn’t hate me!”

            “Well, you know what? I do hate you! You are the worst woman to ever live!”

            There was a knock on the door. “Are you guys okay?” It was Greg. 

            “No!” I shouted at Greg. “We’re not okay! We never will be!”

            The door opened and Greg entered the room. He walked over to me and put his hand on my shoulder. “James, you have to clam down.”

            “Calm down? You really want me to calm down?” I was standing now, my face right in Greg’s. “Well let me tell you something. I hate both of you! You’re liars and I hope you both rot in hell!” And on that note, I stamped out of the room.

            I slammed the door behind me and locked it so that they were stuck in there. 

            Pam was sitting against the wall in the hallway. “I hate to say it, but I told you so.”

            “Shut up!” I screamed. I ran down the stairs and ran into a crowd of panicking people. Apparently, someone had started a fire, and everyone was running around like crazy trying to get out. The smell of smoke was heavy in the air. The fire was in the back of the house; just below the room Jen and Greg were in.

            I stood in the middle of the crowd for a minute, watching everyone running around and screaming. I wouldn’t move, couldn’t move. The room started to empty and soon enough flames sprouted up around the corners of the room. 

            Pam walked up to me. “The fire’s spreading really fast. We need to get them out of that room.” We ran up the stairs and to the door. Jen and Greg were slamming their fists against it, trying to get someone to hear them.

            I unlocked the door and opened it. They practically fell out of the room. We rushed to the stairs and found that flames had started to reach the bottom of them.

            “What are we going to do?” Jen asked, panicking. 

            “Just run!” Pam yelled, already going down the stairs. Greg followed.

            “I’m scared!” Jen said to me. I looked at her. She looked truly frightened. I grabbed her shoulders and walked her to the stairs. We leaped down them two at a time until we made it to the bottom. Once there, the four of us wandered through the fire until we found the front door. We pushed it open and stumbled into the night air. There were fire trucks already parked out front and firemen were running around, some getting the hose ready, some running towards the house. A couple of them ran to us and put blankets over our backs, leading us a safe distance from the house.

            I sat in the back of an ambulance for what seemed like forever, watching them try to extinguish the fire. Everything blurred together. Between the effects of the alcohol, the shock, and everything else that had happened in my life recently, I felt pretty numb. People talked to me, but I don’t remember anything they said. My mother came and hugged me and scolded me for not coming home at ten. I just nodded through whatever people said. 

            Eventually, when I was declared healthy, I went home. I went straight to my bed, not even caring to change into pajamas or brush my teeth.

 

            Mom let me skip school the next morning… thank God. Pam came and visited. We sat in my room without talking for a while. Jen called. We talked for a while, both of us apologizing to each other. I felt really bad for yelling at her. I felt like I had become the bull, destroying my friends’ lives. She and Greg were officially going out. It was nice to see them showing their love for each other without having to hide it. Maybe Pam and I would try going out for a while. I think I’d like that.