You, what can I say about you? I thought a lot about you. Many of my nights were spent with you in my mind. Your face, your jokes, your personality, your beauty, all of you. My world consisted of many, and then there was you. I didn't need much in my life, in fact, I lived so little in the years that I had been alive for. Everyday was the same, eat, music, school. I felt nothing. Now when you ask me to describe this nothing, this emptiness, I would give you the same vague word to name it, but in truth the feelings are completely different. The nights may have been cold, but they weren't lonesome until I met you. Everything started to make sense, I felt more because of you, I began to dream, I began to feel, I began to fall in love with you. All of these things, though in the end caused my downfall, were the highlights of my existence.
The day we met, it was nothing out of the ordinary. I was with some friends, but they weren't friends really, I had a lot of people like this. I would spend time with them, but at the same moment I could throw them out of my life and neither of us would mind or miss the other. When I met you, this is what you were to me, and I to you. I wish I knew what I know now about how important, how amazing you would be to me. I would've spent more time with you, I would've shown you my world, or what it was before it became you. On the day we met, you grabbed my hand. You didn't hold it, you just felt it. I thought it was weird of you, but I was weird too and liked the weirdness you gave off. You started giving me hugs, stopping me in the school halls, blocking the hallway traffic just so you could hug me. I thought nothing of it. I loved your hugs, but this was before I had loved you.
Eventually you told me how you felt about me, you liked me, and I kind of liked you too. We were supposed to hang out that weekend that would have been our first date, but instead you went out and lost your virginity. I didn't mind. I should have though, it would've saved me a lot more than my life. Sex meant nothing to me, but to you it was more. You would later go out and do what you did to others behind my back, but I knew, I just said nothing because I didn't want you to know how I felt. About a week after you lost that which was meaningless to you to a man smoked up on crack, we were together. We spent an entire day at the park, in the cold autumn rain, next to each other on the baseball bench, making out and cuddling. This was the day I fell in love with you. I know the exact moment. I can still remember it exactly. We were kissing, and it just sort of happened in a second. My thoughts when it happened were very close to "Oh shit" and there was nothing else to it, I didn't want to, but I did. You were just a friend to me one moment, the next, you were the world. I felt pathetic about it, I still do, mostly because you don't love me back, you never did, did you? It doesn't matter to me, not anymore.
I was self-destructive. I had been for so long. Death was a dream, even with you, but no one ever had tried to help me before you. I miss that day. It was the first time I had ever let someone in my house. You spilled your candy all over my floor but I didn't get mad. When you found the drawer with my harm tools in it, you cried, you cared. Against my will you took my tools and threw them out. It took so long for someone to show care that I cried after you left that day.
About a month later, you left me through a note. I was hurt. You still loved her, your ex. I didn't blame you. I wanted you still, unable to get rid of the love. But she didn't want you, she had moved on already. Knowing this, I asked for you back, knowing you would never love me the same way as you loved her. I was willing to forgive you, I was willing to forget, but you found someone else in a day and no less. How? I was a wreck. I kind of hurt you, didn't I? I was mad, not at you, mad at myself, mad that I let you into my life, into my house, mad that you cared enough to throw away the things that gave me solitude from my dark mind so I yelled at you. I wanted them back and eventually you told me where you threw them. I regret it everyday. You told me you cried that night. It weighs heavy on my conscious. I wanted to stay close to you, so I offered you and your best friend rides home. We all grew closer after a while. He started to like me and I gave him a try, but it wouldn't work. I only did it for you though. I wanted another reason to be near you, and that was because he and you were always near each other. I'm still sorry about it.
Months passed, I still loved you, and you became lonely. We spent every weekend together, alone, playing games and watching tv until one night you were too lonely. You put your arm around me, I put mine around you, and for a day we were together again. We could've made it work, but you thought you only did it out of loneliness, but I did it out of love. I started to hate that word. It caused me so much pain.
And once more you found another after me. It hurt a lot to watch, to know that you were with him. I didn't end it over you and him, I ended it over that dark feeling in my chest, that bottomless pit of emptiness. It drove me insane. I did this to get rid of it.
I left you a note, because if I wanted anyone to know, it would be you. I gave it to you before I left for home, explaining it all. You knew about the pills before, about my attempts before I met you, you knew me better than everyone else, but even you couldn't tell when I was close. When I got home, I started filling my mouth with pills of all kind, trying to go to sleep one last time. I hoped you would come and save me, that I could see you one last time alone, but I didn't. I left this world without seeing the most important part of it, I left without saying goodbye to you.