Poem for Love Less: I'm tired of falling in and out of love, tired of only feeling all of the pain. It's hard to dream of dream that's gone dead. Love Less that's what I am, a love less girl who stopped believing in an emotion that evades me in my sleep and in my reality. I've given up hope of ever getting a small dose to make me believe in something that doesn't exist.
Poem for Hope: I stay hopeful, only because if I stop believing I'll disappear into a shadow. I don't want to be an empty shell who believes in only loneliness that makes existing hard. If I gave up my beliefs I wouldn't have anything here to keep me alive. I'm slowly fading away I need something real to keep me alive or else I will fade away completely.
I'm trying to differ fantasy from reality. I'm holding on to a reality that doesn't seem to want me. I'm Kalia I have multiple personalities they are Love Less and Hope. The only two I know of right now. I don't understand why my alters are have the names they do but, I don't really care. I have way more important things to worry about. Like how am I supposed to hide this from my parents? They don't really care if I suffer they pretend I don't have this terrible disorder.
When, I was first diagnosed my parents didn't believe it was true. Now, I suffer this disorder completely alone in the dark. I've told my teachers and they spoke to the doctors who made sure it was understood. At least the teachers try to help they always know when I'm changing and they do their best. I feel like porcelain ready to break if I fall to hard. I'm tired of having these alters that take over I just want a normal life. Right, now I'm locked in my room afraid that something will trigger a personality release.
I've given, up on everything like having a relationship with someone. The first time I had an alter appear I was with Devon my only boyfriend who walked away when I changed. The conversation went something like this: "I love you Kalia but, with this personality changing thig going on it's making everything much more complicated." I was starting to cry "Please tell me everything you've ever said to me was a lie. It will make everything a little easier and I won't have to hate you." I was crying hard by then. "I can't lie to you, I can't lie to the only person I've ever loved." he walked away that day and I still haven't gotten over him.
Love Less likes to write through me she's just written a poem called The Killer Inside. it goes like this it doesn't ryhme we can't make any of the poems ryhme:The killer inside me waits in the dark to take the knife and leave a scar. A scar that will never heal, one to remain visible forever. The scar is a piece of me that will never be forgotten a reminder of a darker time even though it's not so bright here. A brighter time was when I was little, when I had no worries only it started all to soon. Death. I learned the hard way what it was. It took away a piece of me, a part of my soul that will never grow back. A rose with no petals, I suffer and hide behind a mask a face that isn't really me. I haven't cried, I can't bring myself to crybut inside even those who don't cry are suffering more. Goodbye world, good night forever. The killer inside me waits in the dark to take the knife and leave a scar.
That's the kind of poem Love Less likes to write. I hear my phone ring I get up and answer it "Hello, is Kalia there?" I hear my doctor's voice. "Yes, I'm speaking."
"We found that you don't have multiple personality disorder you have Disassociative Identity Disorder. It can much more difficult to deal with than multiple personalities we have drugs that can make them go away but we'd need your parents to sign the permission form and we know they don't want to believe in this disorder is there anyone we can call who can sign for you?" A pause before I answer.
"No, I don't have anyone else." A silent tear slides down my face DID was much more difficult than MPD? I have a huge cross to bear and theres nobody to help.
"Kalia, we'll call one of your teachers and see if they can sign for you. Ok we'll call you tomorrow with the results."
"Ok, goodbye." We hang up I look back at the poem and I hide it when I hear footsteps outside of my door. The footsteps fade away and I realize that if the wrong person read my poems they would think that I was suicidal when in reality I was only trying to blow some steam from learning about my illness. "Why did this have to happen to me!?" I know now why it was complicated for Devon to love me I'm screwed up I would probably have kids just like me if I ever got married or had kids. I hate me. I hate myself the way I am. I might as well give up on life it doesn't mean much if my cross to bear just gets bigger and bigger it will kill me.
I lay down and I see the bottle of pills that were supposed to help with MPD no wonder it didn't work. I take all the pills at once close my eyes and drift off into a world where I don't have to suffer in secret. I'm finally happy and I'm finally back with Devon before my life turned upside down. I'm back in a place where I can be free before I found out that I was crazy and unlovable.