It has been three months since I saw her face. I thought about her eyes almost every day. Today, I woke up with a smile. Today I might see her, and then I can breathe. I just know it. I put on my best clothes, the clothes I wore when I almost got a smile out of her beautiful lips, and I did my hair the best way I could. I have never cared about my looks this way before. Today, I felt the need to be perfect; I felt the need for a perfect day.
One hour has passed; maybe she doesn't have early classes today. I will wait a little more.
Two hours has gone by so slow that it felt like an eternity. "She will show up" was all I could think of.
Three hours have passed, still no sign of her. My heart ached; maybe I hoped too much. I have this habit of disappointing myself, and why should this day be any different.
Another hour slipped right from my broken heart. I recalled every minute we spent staring at each othe. Maybe she wasn't even looking at me. Maybe I just wanted it so bad that I made it up in my head, and maybe she's moved on.
I looked up, and was ready to leave. That was when I saw her face. For a long second, everything seemed to have slowed down; I seemed to lose myself in her eyes. I realized I forgot to breathe and came back to reality. Maybe I imagined it, but I could swear she smiled at me. When I got back to earth, I looked at her again, but this time she wasn't looking back, and she wasn't smiling. She wore the same black t-shirt she was wearing when she almost smiled at me. Throughout the years, I've noticed her love for black; she had all kinds of black clothes, black shoes, and black accessories. She just looked perfect; I never thought she'd look more beautiful than I remembered.
I wanted her to look at me, any way possible; I just wanted her eyes to talk to me, like they always did. I ached for her attention. I thought maybe if I move closer to her and talk loudly, then she'd notice me, and right then, a familiar face approached her. He was a tall guy, handsome, you could say, wearing the perfect outfit, having the perfect amount of jell on his hair, and with the perfect look in his eyes. He talked to her, and she just stared at him for a while, not answering him, and for some reason I envied him.
He finally got her to walk a few feet with him, and they stood in a very quiet and a secluded area, but I could still see them. I walked closer, wanting to break his jaw, but I had no right, and it was my fault.
After a few minutes of them arguing and another few long seconds when they just stared at each other, and looked deep in each other's eyes as if they didn't need words anymore, I heard him say or actually yell "I just need another chance." He took a long breath and begged " Please" .
I felt a fire burning through my chest to my heart. I kicked a chair, and it made the loudest noise I ever heard. I didn't care. what drove me mad was his eyes; it was me who spoke eye language with her, not another handsome guy, not another person on earth, just me, and I wanted to tell them that.
When I looked back at her, she was finally looking at me, but I couldn't feel any relief. I just wanted to yell "Be mine, only mine!" but I couldn't. I just stared deep in her eyes hoping she'd understand. Her eyes were worried, and her lips didn't move,. She stared at me for a very long, but not long enough, second. He suddenly took her hand, and she looked at him as if she forgot he was standing there. She looked at their tangled hands and pulled away. She looked at him but I don't think she really saw him. She looked like she wanted to say something, but her lips weren't moving. After a long wait, for both him and I, she finally said "I'm sorry" and walked away. She stared at me the whole way until she got back with her friends, as if to tell me "I did this for you, don't let me down".
I wanted to follow her and just hold her in my arms, but my feet weren't moving. What if I misunderstood, and what if she looked at me but never saw me. What if she never noticed me, and what if my head was playing games with me.
I looked back to the day she gave me a smile, maybe it wasn't what I thought, and maybe she was just freaking out but was too nice so she simply smiled. I suddenly felt the heat of the sun, even though I was indoors, and then I smelled the familiar perfume. I looked up and I saw that day, exactly as it was; I approached her with a few skipping beats, and I was trying to hide my shaking hands. I said hi and asked her a random stupid question. I saw the look on her face; she just looked like she wanted to yell "who the hell are you? And what the hell are you doing?" she simply answered me and almost for a split second she just … smiled.
I guess maybe every time she looked at me, she just was wondering why I was looking at her, and maybe, just maybe, she wanted to tell me something, something I will never know, because I am just a coward, who couldn't take a step forward.