I lay in bed, staring at the bare, white wall. Trying to focus your breathing is hard, especially when the breath can't seem to find it's way into your lungs. My body is numb and cold, even though I'm probably buried under about five blankets. I'm shivering, longing for his touch. The touch that could give me pleasurable shivers, the touch that could fill my body with warmth no matter where his hands were.
Just thinking about him sent me into another wave of dreadful sobs. Images of him flashed through my mind, his dyed red hair that always hung in his face whenever he was serious, his gorgeous green eyes that glimmered whenever he gave his crooked smile. Two certain memories kept on torturing me though. One was pleasant, but kept a longing whole in my chest.
He's leaning over, naked, sweating, panting. After he finishes, he's leaning on my body for a couple of minutes, just laying there, catching his breath. His eyes travel to mine and he casts me his beautiful crooked smile, showing his chipped tooth. He removes himself from me and lays down next to me, eyes traveling all over my body. Fingers trail up and down my stomach as I breath in and out, filling me with such warmth.
"I love you, Lulu." He whispered, a small smile on his face as his eyes trail all over my body, not meeting my eyes.
"I love you too, Alex. Forever and ever." I look at his face until he looks over, and when he does, he flashes me the biggest grin I've ever seen.
"Forever and ever."
The next one is tortuous, dreadful. It makes the gaping hole that the other one created feel as if someone is rubbing the raw edges with a cheese grater.
It's a chilly day with a faint breeze, so I went to the park to read a book. Upon walking into the entrance, I see him holding a girl in his arms, spinning her around. He puts her down and kisses her forehead, and action so tender that it made my heart throb. After staring at her for a couple of seconds, I recognize who the girl is. She's the girl who is always calling Alex while he's with me. A while ago, when the first time she called, he said it was his sister, and I still would've believe it, if I hadn't seen her grab the front of his jeans, practically having her hand down them, and leading him to the bushes in the far corner of the park.
I stood there for a couple of minutes, just in shock at the thought of him cheating on me. My boyfriend of four years, best friend of 12, cheating on me.I grab my phone out of my pocket and with shaky fingers, I dial his number. First try went to voicemail, but the second time, he answered.
"Hm?" I heard slight panting and the rustling of leaves on his side of the call. I felt my heart crack, but I was able to keep my voice steady and calm.
"Hey babe! What are you doing? Wanna come over and have some fun?"
"I'm sorry, Luna. I'm kind of busy at the moment. Can I call you back in like, ten minutes?" His voice cracks at the end and I hear a soft moan and faster panting.
"Oh, Yeah." I say it softly, feeling sad, but then I quickly grow angry and start walking towards the bushes. "I'm so sorry that I forgot you were fucking your little girlfriends' brains out." I stop a couple of feet from where he entered the bushes. I hear a swallow, followed by a small sigh.
"I'll be over in a bit, Babe." And he hung up. I still kept the phone against my ear, even when he walked out, even when he was pulling up his zipper, adjusting his jeans. Even when she walked out putting on her shirt. Even when he saw me standing right there in front of them.
"Oh shit. Lulu, Babe, It's not what it looks like! Ohfuckohfuck. Lulu!" He walked over, trying to pull me into his arms. I backed away, shaking my head with a sad smile, even with tears streaming down my face.
"Fuck you, Alex." I croak out, and I run away from them. I run away from the park, dropping my cell phone and book. I run away, into the street.
That's all I can seem to remember. This little memory happened about three weeks ago. 21 days. 21 days since I've lost my boyfriend. 21 days since I've lost my lost my light. 21 days since I've smiled. 21 days since I've been happy. 21 days since I've been in my room, all alone.
Dramatic, yes. But it should be dramatic, because it is. He was my best friend for 12 years. He was my first-and only- boyfriend. He was my first kiss. He was the one to take my virginity. He was the one to break me.
I hear footsteps outside in the hallway, and I bury deeper into my blankets. The door creaks open, and in the doorway stands Alex himself. He looks like a mess. His usually bright green eyes are now dull. His lips are scarred with teeth marks, -he always chewed on his lips whenever he thought too much- his hair is a mess, as if he's been running his fingers through it nonstop. His long sleeved shirt was wrinkled, and the sleeves were rolled up, showing off his fresh new scars on his wrist.
He looks around the room, and comes sit at the edge of my bed. He just stares at the wall I was previously staring at. His fingers are picking at the cuts that are trying to heal. I want to go take his hands away from there so he can't hurt himself no more, but I don't. I can't.
"Get out.." My voice crack as I squeeze my eyes shut. He just shakes his head, still looking at the wall. He's chewing on his lip now, breathing slowly.
"I know I've fucked up badly. Really, really badly, on so many things. But I want you to know something. The only reason I did... the only reason I had sex with that girl was because, well, when we did it, you cried. Yeah, I saw you cry. And I thought it was either because I hurt you, or because you just really didn't want to make love to me. I didn't want to make you cry again-"
"So that gave you the permission to go fuck someone else, right? I've heard enough. Get out. Now." My head hurts now, overwhelming with the thought of him just sitting a couple of inches away. I just want to go to sleep. I just want him to leave... I just want him to come over here and let me hold him close.
"No! Fuck no. I don't know exactly why I did it. I was, am fucking stupid. I was leading by the god damn brain in my pants. And I regret everything. So much. I just want you back. I miss you. I miss being able to see your face every day. I miss being able to hold you in my arms. Being without you is like hell. My thoughts are giving me hell. The voices have been so loud lately, calling me so many God damn names. And you're the only one who's ever been able to make them disappear. They're been so damn loud... Walking over here was torture. They wanted me to jump in front of a car, and I almost did, but then I remembered... I don't like cars very much anymore. I've been avoiding them. God, Lulu. I miss you. I love you.."
"I don't love you." I whisper, looking at my bed sheet. He turns around, eyes wide, breathing panicked. His fingers are now scratching at his wrist now, and blood is starting to trickle down his arm, onto his pants.
"I said, I don't love you, anymore." It hurt like hell to get this out of my mouth.
"But, no. No. You can't leave me. You said you've loved me, too- you even said you loved me forever! Doesn't forever mean something to you?" He's crawled over to me now, tears gushing down his face, blood dripping onto my bed.
"You said you loved me! Loving someone means they're your one and only! You don't love someone if you go and cheat on them! Didn't I mean anything to you?" Drip. Drip. Drip. His face looks so painful. His eyes are twitching like crazy. I know the voices are getting louder because he curled up in a ball next to me and covered his face. His arms are now bleeding worse from his movement.
"Of course you mean something to me... You mean everything to me. I didn't mean to do what I did, I'm sorry. Fuck. ShutupShutup." He puts his hands to his head and starts pouding. Blood is now gushing out, thick and red, streaming down his arms. I whisper cuss words and get up, shivering at the coldness of my room, and get an old shirt out of my drawer, ripping it in half. I hurry back to the bed, climbing in, and pull him close to my chest. Taking his arms in my hands, I wrap my shirt around his bloody wrists. I look at him when I'm done.
"I'm so sorry, Lulu. forgive me... Never again. I promise.." Alex whispers, and I wrap my arms around him, cradling him against my chest. Slowly, I rock back and forth. His arms are wrapped around my torso, his head laying on the top of my chest. Just the touch of his skin makes my heart beat faster than it has in the last 21 days.
After sitting this way for quite a while, he falls asleep. I look down at his face. He's always looked so precious while sleeping. His lower lip juts out a bit when his mouth is slightly open. His face is flushed and he slightly mumbles in his sleep. I used to always watch him sleep, but this time it hurt to watch him. While looking at him, I just kept on seeing what I'll never be able to have.
"Oh Alex. Why'd you have to cheat on me? I ws willing to give everything up for you.." And I sigh, knowing that everything is too late. I can't change the fact that he cheated on me. I can't change the fact that I ran into the street afterwards. I can't change the fact that I got hit by a car. I can't change the fact tha I died that day, and am now a ghost. I can't change the fact that Alex's the only one who can see me.
Maybe the reason he can see me is because he tried saving me? He held my broken, bleeding body in the middle of traffic, crying his eyes out and screaming that he was sorry. He carried me out of the road and called 911. He tried to save me.. Or can he see me because of the fact that he feels guilty? Maybe... Maybe I'm just a pigment of his imagination right now?
I lean down and place my lips on his forehead, just like he did to that girl. Such a tender action.
"Even though you cheated on me, I love you. And I will always love you forever and ever." He moves around in his sleep, his head falling into the crook of my neck.
"Forever and ever..." He mumbles.
"Until the day you die....."